How To Keep Your BF From Looking Like a Dork At The Beach This Summer
While your man may look great in a suit and tie, so does every dude. The real challenge comes about when he has to strip down to his swim trunks, avoid getting sunburnt as fuck, and try to make his feet look non-appalling in flip-flops.
Luckily, he has you. If you have reservations about inviting your BF to the beach this summer for fear that he’ll turn up in a neon green speedo to meet your grandmother, you’re not alone. These tips will have your man looking like Malibu Ken (except with a penis) in no time.
1. If He’s a Pasty White Dude, Apply His Sun Block For Him
Some boys are good at fixing cars, some are good at playing football. No boy, and I mean no boy, is good at putting suntan lotion on. And for pale guys of any racial persuasion, that’s a problem. Come nightfall, there’s nothing dorkier than an otherwise hot person with bright red sunburn at the bar.
If your boyfriend is pale and smart enough to put lotion on in the first place, good for him. But chances are that he’ll still end up with a completely uneven tan/burn, and won’t remember to reapply even though he desperately needs to. That whole fantasy of asking a hot guy to put lotion on your back shouldn’t exist unless you think it’s cute to have random red splotches on your shoulders.
Find some inkling of maternal instinct deep inside of you and take care of your man’s lotion-ing, because otherwise your arm-candy is going to look like a lobster and/or a zebra.
2. Explain The Proper Use Of Flip Flops
Flip-flops are not “summer shoes,” they are “beach shoes.” As in, they should only be worn at the beach (maybe the pool too, I guess).
It doesn’t matter if he’s going to a super casual beach bar or running errands at the boardwalk, you need to drill it into that motherfucker’s head that flip flops might as well be Crocs, because that’s how gross they are on men and they’re only acceptable when water is in sight.
3. Conveniently Lose His “Cool” Glasses
It’s one thing for my dad to rock those “sport” glasses that have a gradient lens and peaked in the 90’s, it’s another for your boyfriend to wear them. Unless he’s climbing a mountain or competing in a triathlon, I think he’ll do just fine with normal people glasses.
4. Let Him Be As Naked As Possible
Honestly, the less clothing that your boo wears, the less likely he is to embarrass himself. He does not need to wear boxers under his swim trunks, just like he doesn’t need to wear a wife-beater on the way to the beach. Honestly, stick him in one good-fitting pair of swim-trunks, a non-tragic pair of flip-flops, and shoo him out the door before he throws on anything else to kill his look. If he’s like most guys, he’ll want to show off his body anyway.
5. Remind Him That He’s Not In Hawaii
Unless you guys are actually taking a trip of Oahu, there’s no need for a lei, a non-ironic Hawaiian shirt, or any hemp jewelry. You’re not going to be wearing coconut boobs or a hula skirt, are you?
6. Ditch His Fuckboy Wardrobe
He can wear his super slashed tank top to the gym all he wants, but if he really wants to show some skin at the beach, he should just go shirtless rather than looking like he got attacked by a shark.
Likewise, his bucket hat needs to GTFO. He probably looks like an idiot, and if he really wants to protect his face from the sun there are a variety of other types of hats for him to choose from.