Meet the Guys Who Will Lose to the Unicorn Dude on ‘The Bachelorette’
Even before last night’s 90-minute premiere of season 12 of The Bachelorette, we already had zero doubts about who was going to win thanks to the show’s first 30-second promo.
Out of all the cuties, obviously the frontrunner had to be Luke, the 31-year-old war veteran from Texas who showed up to the Bachelorette mansion riding in on a unicorn named Coconut.
Now we know what you’re going to say, “But Galore, unicorns aren’t real.”
Correct. Unicorns aren’t real, but honestly, neither is JoJo Fletcher’s chance of finding real, lasting love on The Bachelorette.
Out of 30 seasons of The Bachelor(ette), only seven couples have stood the test of time. And to be fair, five out of those seven came from couplings that happened on The Bachelorette rather than The Bachelor, so maybe JoJo and Unicorn Boy have a real shot at love here.
Either way, at least Unicorn Boy is showing JoJo that he cares and that he gets JoJo right off the bat.
See, when we first met JoJo on the last season of The Bachelor she was also paying tribute to the unicorn. Only instead of riding in on one, she was wearing a unicorn mask, which is way creepier and not at all romantic.
She wore the mask as a kind of statement about how she’s the rare kind of package a guy’s looking for that he thinks only exists in his dreams, and honestly, the gamble worked out reasonably well for JoJo, who made it to the final episode before being told, “I found love with you but I found it with someone else more.”
Although JoJo’s first impression rose ended up going to this ex-NFL quarterback named Jordan whose swag game is so strong he ended up making out with JoJo within 10 minutes of knowing her, as one of the other contestants pointed out, that doesn’t mean shit.
Still, Jordan is one of only four impediments we can see getting in Luke’s way of getting the all systems go to get down on one knee and propose to JoJo at the end of the season. The other three are:
#1: Luke’s own demons
In Luke’s pre-limo profile, we learned that he’s from a small Texan town, he learned to feed cattle before he could walk, and somewhere near the end of his nine years serving in the military, he served in Afghanistan where apparently a lot of his friends died.
And by friends, we don’t mean casual acquaintances who he low key hated, but people who are buried within driving distance from his town, whose graves he brings flowers to.
Is it wrong to assume The Bachelorette might exploit Luke’s possible demons for storylines? Yes. We hope we’re wrong. But this is a primetime reality TV show, so nothing is off the table.
#2: This asshole named Chad
Chad is an incredibly handsome 28-year-old luxury real estate agent, who seemed smarmy from the first second he stepped out of the limo, grabbed both of JoJo’s hands and told her that she smelled good, but during his one-on-one time with her, he struck JoJo as being surprisingly vulnerable.
After bringing up the fact that he’s financially stable, Chad told JoJo that, “I can already tell that you’re so great. Normally girls are so worried about themselves, and it’s obvious to me and everybody else that you don’t worry about yourself. You’re good.”
JoJo later remarked to the cameras that “there’s something about Chad that’s sexy to me,” and we couldn’t help but fill in the blank for her: it’s because he’s an asshole.
Later on he told the cameras that he was “pretty confident that if I want her I can have her,” so yeah, we’re 100% sticking by our asshole judgement… and you know how much a good girl loves dating assholes.
#3: The guy who can play Beethoven
Ali isn’t the obvious choice for who’s gonna walk away with Lauren’s heart, but pretty much the full package. He’s 27, kind of looks like Joe Jonas, can play Beethoven on the piano, reads, surfs, skateboards, and has a really cute dog.
Plus, he doesn’t look like all the standard muscley bros in the house, which could prove to his advantage later on.
But do you know who doesn’t pose any threat to Luke?
The former priest turned erectile dysfunction specialist
The guy who got so drunk he started poking guys in the bellybutton and ended up stripping down to his teeny, tiny briefs and jumping into the pool
The guy who wore a kilt
The guy whose only job description is “hipster”
The guy who showed up in a Santa suit and insisted on being called Saint Nick
The guy who got out of the limo and gave JoJo “his blue balls” which she could squeeze if she ever got nervous
The guy who gave JoJo a cootie catcher and a peck on the lips that JoJo herself described as awkward and something she wasn’t ready for
The guy who used his one-on-one time to show JoJo how many push-ups he could do
Surprisingly, only three of those men are no longer on The Bachelorette, but then again, the drama’s gotta come from somewhere.
We can’t wait to see which one of them gets voted off next week.