The ‘Jersey Shore’ Guide to Slaying Memorial Day Weekend
Congratulations, it’s unofficially the first day of the unofficial start to the summer!
If you’re going away to the beach this weekend, you might think you can keep up your city slicker lifestyle and have a great time. Think again! You need to adapt to beach life for the next three to four days if you want to truly have the best #MDW in history.
Thankfully, “Jersey Shore,” the most important cultural occurrence of the 2000s, is here to give you some tips for living this Memorial Day Weekend to the fullest. Read on and learn how to have fun like a true beach rat. Then load the pilot episode of “Jersey Shore” to your iPhone so you can watch it on your way down the shore, because it truly is the best 22 minutes in TV history.
1. Know your worth.
It’s Memorial Day Weekend. Plenty of people are going to try to take advantage of you, whether that includes charging you $10 for funnel cake, cutting in front of you at the bar, or rudely not inviting you to hang out on their boat. But if someone’s trying to ruin your good time, you don’t have to stand for it. Be like Snooki: cry it out for five minutes, then go get drunk somewhere better.
2. Always be clear about what you want.
MDW is not about feelings. MDW is not about love. MDW is about getting drunk, having fun, and cruising for a new summer plaything. So channel your inner Snooki and be extra-clear about what you want from every dude you meet. MDW is only three days long, and summer is only three months — you don’t have time to mess around!
3. Come up with a signature dance move to attract potential mates’ attention.
No one is trying to find a respectable future spouse on MDW — they’re just trying to have fun. So it’s important to make it clear to everyone around you that you’re the life of the party.
With this being a holiday weekend, everyone is especially turnt so it’s harder than usual to stand out. In order to really separate yourself from the herd at the club or bar, go all out and create a signature dance move.
It doesn’t have to be cute, sexy, or flattering. All the bros will be so drunk they won’t notice whether it’s a good or bad move anyway — instead, they’ll be like the T. Rexes in Jurassic Park, unable to see anything unless it’s moving right in front of their face. With that in mind, you can wave your hand in your face, have an all-night dance duel with your friend, or even do the “Electric Slide” to every single song. It’s your call. Make a spectacle of yourself on the dance floor, and you might not find your future husband, but more than a few musclebound fuckboys will come running.
4. Embrace your roots.
If you’re traveling to a beach town this weekend, know that everyone there already hates you for being an out-of-towner, especially if you’re from somewhere comparatively bougie like New York City or LA. But please don’t take this as a reason to try and fit in with the locals. You simply can’t. Whether your socks and Adidas slides or your horrendous accent give it away, you’ll be sticking out like a sore thumb all weekend.
As someone who grew up in a beach town, I can tell you locals will appreciate you way more if you don’t try to hide your out-of-towner status. Instead, embrace it while also being respectful to the locals and their baffling customs, like riding bikes without hand brakes and filling Poland Springs bottles with vodka to drink on the boardwalk.
5. Stand up for what you believe in.
When you’re at the bar each night, the beach during the day, or a barbecue in between, chances are you’ll meet someone whose opinions differ from yours. This could relate to anything from which sunblock is best to the refugee ban.
You might be tempted to agree to disagree since you’re on vacation, but that’s no fun! Let “Jersey Shore” be your guide, and fight them.
6. Look out for your friends.
Even though things seem more lax in a shore town, you can get in trouble — especially if you’re clearly from out of town, which, as we’ve already established, you are.
To avoid arrests or hefty fines this MDW, always follow the local parking rules, don’t pee in the street, and keep your clothes on until you get home. Follow those three rules and loudly enforce them amongst your squad, and you’ll be golden.
7. Adopt beach-town standards of personal hygiene.
If you live in a city, you’re probably used to showering every day, arranging your hair in a socially acceptable manner, and wearing underwear.
But at the beach, having a clean-shaven and well-showered appearance is a dead giveaway that you’re no fun. Instead, wear a bikini under your clothes instead of a bra and undies. Skip the post-beach shower and pretend your hair looks tousled and Blake Lively-chic instead of dirty. Wear a neon orange crop top with green shorts and purple flip flops. Smell like beer all day.
Present yourself in a way that would inspire people to toss you some spare change in New York City, and you’ll finally be able to appreciate all the wonders a beach town has to offer.
8. Be gracious to your host.
If you’re smart, you either found somewhere to crash for free this MDW or you split a rental house among 35 of your closest friends to save cash. Good job! Hotels are for suckers.
Now make it clear to the people who put you up, or the people you shared a lumpy rental futon with, that you appreciate their sacrifice. “That was fucking awesome,” “We killed it,” and “Holy shit” are all appropriate ways to register your gratitude.