I Did Everything Wrong At Coachella, So You Don’t Have To: Advice from Week 1
I didn’t know I was going to Coachella until I was actually going. I’d been dying to go, but I didn’t have a ticket. Saturday rolled around, and I decided to say, “Fuck it, let’s just go”. I assumed that I could show up to Palm Springs, attend a few chic parties, then frolic on over to Coachella whenever I pleased. Reality didn’t work out quite like this—I spent my Saturday night in a Walmart parking lot. Nevertheless, I had an amazing weekend, and it all worked out for the good of mankind, because now you can learn from my mistakes. Here’s a (slightly illegal) guide to Coachella for everyone heading to Weekend 2.
1. Plan Where You’re Going To Stay Ahead Of Time…Or Don’t.
So I traveled to Coachella with the naive mindset that a plan would all work itself out, though I had no tickets to the festival and nowhere to stay. I ended up finding some wristbands, but found no accommodations for Saturday. We slept in my car, in a Walmart parking lot. That was a low point. On Sunday night, after watching Drake perform—so fucked up that I almost collapsed on three people—I decided that there was no fucking way I was spending the night on a car seat.
At around 1:30 AM, we called the La Quinta Hotel and Resort (10 minutes away from the festival) and found a room for $200. Apparently, last-minute cancellations come in a lot during the weekend, so you’re better off calling hotels late at night. The room wasn’t particularly cheap, but it’s Coachella—if you’re going, you know you’re going to drop tons of money.
If all else fails and you need to scrub, park your car in a hotel lot for the night. Then at least you can sneak in the next morning, use the hotel showers, toothbrushes, and eat some free shitty Continental breakfast.
2. Sneak Alcohol In.
Do not spend any time paying for the expensive beers in the Heineken beer gardens. Sneak in a flask of hard liquor, and buy chasers when necessary. The key is to exploit your gender, as the security guards don’t really search girls. I literally put a flask of tequila in my underwear, propped between my legs and waddled through the security check—highly uncomfortable but worthwhile.
3. You Should Bring Your Own Drugs. But If You Didn’t, Search Out White Guys With Backpacks—Extra Points For Sunglasses And Fucked Up Teeth.
Minorities aren’t your best bet for drugs because they’re more likely to be searched and arrested. If you do this, make sure to research the drugs you’re buying, even just with a quick Google search. I don’t want to be responsible for any irresponsible drug intake! Don’t die!
4. Take Out Money Beforehand, Because The ATMs Don’t Really Work.
Although, we did get drugs from a (white) guy in the ATM line. So there’s that.
5. Leave Early Or Suffer In The Uber Oasis For An Indefinite Period Of Time.
If you’re not camping, and you don’t have a car, you’re basically fucked because it’s practically impossible to leave Coachella at the end of the night. There are pretty much two options: wait in an enormous line for taxis, or chill in the Uber “Oasis”—a tented area with free water, a DJ, multiple charging stations and lots of friendly Uber employees—while you wait 40 minutes for your car to arrive and meet you at a designated section of the parking lot. It’s not a horrible place to hang out, but if you want to get home quickly (like I did, after vomiting in the corner of the Oasis multiple times) you’re better off leaving a bit early.