How rich you’ll be based on your zodiac sign
They say money can’t buy you happiness, but let’s be real, that’s not exactly stopping any of us from dreaming of the day when we don’t have to live in shitty apartments and buy clothes from Forever 21 anymore.
Luckily, some of us are destined for bigger and better things. Sadly, some of us are not.
Anyway, here’s how rich you’ll end up being, based on your zodiac sign.
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Cancer
You’ll probs have a decent three-figure salary
I won’t lie to you, Cancer bb. You’re a smart cookie, you work hard, and you’re an asset to any company you work for. And I mean that all from the bottom of my heart. But you’re more of a team player than a greedy, manipulative fuck who will do whatever it takes to get to the top. Which in the long run is probs good for your soul, but not necessarily as great for your bank account.
Still, as long as you don’t blow a gasket at work after somebody offends or criticizes you, your bosses will probs keep promoting you until you become a boss yourself. And then you’ll be the best boss.
Honestly, who cares if you don’t grow up to be a millionaire. You’re gonna have enough money to live your life and the people around you won’t hate you. You’ve got it made in the shade, bb.
Leo
Dirty rich
Good news, Leo. You’re a powerful biotch who knows how to take command of a room and get people to do what you want them to do. Not only are you charismatic af, but you’re also stubborn, manipulative, self-centered and arrogant – just like all the rich white billionaire men the rest of the world hates.
But don’t worry! While you may have to work overtime in your regular life to downplay these characteristics, they’ll help take your career from 0 to 70 bajillion real quick. So don’t be afraid to lay it on thick, bb.
The world is your oyster, Leo. Or rather, it’s your zebra. Because you’re a lion and you kill things professionally. And for sport. Meow!
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Virgo
You’ll probs have a decent salary but…
Has anybody ever tell you that you work too much? Yeah? All the time? That’s because you’re kind of a workaholic, and not in the slacker Comedy Central way.
While working hard will inevitably help make you partner in the law firm you work at by the time you’re 32, it might also give you a heart attack. Like seriously, if you’re too busy focused on work, you’ll never be able to enjoy all the things that money can by.
Plus you’re kind of a perfectionist who loves to take a deep look at whatever you’re working on and then whisper in your ear that it’s not good enough. That you’re not good enough.
Soooooo yeah you may make pretty good money, but if you’re unhappy and busy all the time, you might as well be poor, you feel?
Libra
You’ll probs make a small fortune, but then you’re gonna lose it all. Sorry!
Okay Libra, here’s the thing.
You’re charismatic af, great at reading people, and when you’re around, things run really smoothly. Like you literally balance out the egos of whatever room you’re in.
But when shit really hits the fan, you kinda lose it. Like your mind flies to Narnia, your body can’t get anything done, and all you wanna do is super glue yourself to your bed so you never have to go outside ever again.
So unless you can get your head back in the game, your moody ass is gonna get itself fired. Or demoted. Or sent to Siberia or something.
Or worse, because we could totally see you starting some kind of pyramid scheme/cult, and well, we all know how the worst case scenarios go for things like that.
Anyway, just keep your head up and none of that will ever happen, but… consider yourself warned.
Scorpio
Dirty, filthy, disgusting rich
Scorpio bb, do I have some good news for you!
All your life, you’ve always been very focused. You know what you want to do with your life, and you’ll stop at nothing until you get it. Some people would describe you as maybe a little too intense, but trust me, your determination is a good thing.
But what’s even better is how great at keeping secrets. Because for some reason, everybody wants to tell you their secrets which could really come in handy as you’re climbing the corporate ladder.
You’ll never breathe a word of the time the CEO got drunk and told you how she’d cooked up the books to get the company out of the red, but you’ll make damn sure she keeps promoting you to ensure your continued secrecy.
Seriously, you got it made.
Sagittarius
Um… do you want me to be honest, or do you want me to sugar coat this?
Sagittarius, what can I say?
It’s not that you’re bad at your job, because once you care about something, you are chock full of good ideas. It’s just getting yourself to care about something that’s the problem.
And you know what else is a problem? Your attitude. Has anybody ever told you that before? Oh, they have all the time? Yeah…
It’s gonna be a bumpy ride for you, Sagittarius. Buckle up. And keep biting your tongue.
Capricorn
You’re gonna be rich, baby!
You know how people talk about finding their bliss all the time?
Well yours is working.
While working all the time stresses some people out and can make them die premature deaths, you’re one of the lucky ones who genuinely gets off on working hard and reaping the benefits that come from it.
Status has always been important to you, and you may have to work for a couple of decades to get where you want to go, but you’ll get there.
You might also make your underlings go through hell to please you once you get there, but YOLO. It’s their fault for not working harder, right?
Aquarius
You’ll probs be poor forever. Sorry about it!
I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but come on, Aquarius, you knew this might happen, right?
Unlike the corporate monkeys of the world, your life has never been about selling out to put food on the table. At an early age, you decided you were gonna follow your dreams and be an artist.
Which is cool and all, I mean, mad respect. I would never have the courage to do what you guys do, but there are downsides that come with staying absolutely true to yourself.
Like money. Sure maybe you’ll get really lucky and become the next Meryl Streep or David Lynch, but realistically you’re just gonna be barely making ends meet for the rest of your life.
Hope your integrity was worth it.
Pisces
You’ll either be doing just fine or driving the struggle bus.
Here’s the great thing about you, Pisces. You’re super imaginative and great at thinking outside the box.
But here’s the not so great thing about you. You’re one of those people who claims to not be able to work a 9-5. Plus you can kind of be an asshole when you have to work with people who can’t think outside of the box like you can.
So if you can find a job that ticks off all these boxes, you’ll be fine, but if you can’t… maybe you should look into being a trophy wife/husband.
Aries
You’ll be rich, gosh darn it!
You’re a natural born leader, Aries, and since you low key hate working for other people and following their stupid rules, it won’t take you long before you either rise to the top or start your own company.
Okay, well actually it might be kind of a long time, but you’ll make it work. Just try and make sure you reign in your bossiness until you’re actually the boss.
Taurus
Your financial stability is gonna be solid as a rock!
A lot of people are dumb with money, but not you, Taurus.
You’re a hard worker with a nose for which business opportunities are gonna leave you flat on your ass. Plus, once you make money, you keep that money.
You’re not gonna spend a couple thousand dollars on a new Gucci dress just because you can. You’re gonna invest your cold hard cash until it turns into a substantial fortune your spoiled children can live off of forever.
Just remember to buy yourself something nice every now and then. Life’s too short, you feel?
Gemini
Yeah, your ass is gonna be broke.
Okay, let’s focus on the positives for a minute, okay?
You’re smart, charming, and you’re so witty television writers would give anything to eavesdrop on all your conversations.
But here’s the thing. Your attention span is… not great. You get bored easily and when you get bored, you tend to get kind of manipulative.
Unless you find the absolute right job for you, you’ll probably keep bouncing along from career to career with plenty of hustles on the side, some of which might low key be kinda shady.
So fingers crossed you got yourself some rich ass parents to support your lifestyle.
