How To Train Your Man Like a Dog Without Him Realizing

Men are dogs.

Whether you’re saying it as an insult or in an endearing way, it’s true af. I mean, there’s a reason that dogs are “man’s best friend,” because they have so much in common.

After a fight with his wife where she yelled at the dog in the middle of the argument, comedy writer L.A. Knight realized that a man could definitely be trained in the same way. His latest book, “Dog Training The American Male,” follows a woman who realizes that she can train her boyfriend the way she learned to train her dog.

Knight explains that there are two types of trainers, those who employ the reward system and those who employ the punishment system. Knight says that to successfully train, you need to use both rewards and punishments.

“Guys want food, sex, and sleeping on the couch occasionally watching football,” says Knight. “Then we’ll do it.”

I mean, let’s be real here, how easy is it to convince your man to do something with the promise of a blow job? Too easy.

As for punishments, the woman in Knight’s novel uses a shock-watch modeled off of a dog’s shock collar. We think this is kind of psycho, but you could always just take away rewards, you know? That’s a punishment in itself. Or stop shaving your legs, whichever.

But then you wonder, can women be swayed with a new pair of shoes or whatever? Knight says no.

“Women are complex creatures,” he says. “They’re more like cats. Dogs are simple.”


Another reason that Knight thinks the whole “training” technique works so well is that it causes better communication. You’ll say something like “hey babe, can you fix the kitchen table? If you do it I’ll pick up your fave pizza tonight,” instead of silently getting pissed that he hasn’t fixed the kitchen table yet and passive aggressively taking it out on him.

Unfortunately, Knight cautions that this doesn’t work with an “alpha male,” similar to an “alpha dog.” Which is just another reason not to date cocky douchebags, I guess?

Dog training your man may sound psycho and controlling, but it’s honestly kind of genius. It means better communication, that you and your man will both get what you want, and fewer fights! If that’s not a win, I don’t know what is. Now go tell your man to fetch you a stick or something.

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