A Ranking of the Mistakes Made On Big Little Lies This Week
For a show chronicling the events leading up to a murder where absolutely every character seems like they’re capable of getting their hands bloody, somebody makes a bad decision or mistake in just about every scene.
Sometimes multiple times.
Here’s a list of every mistake every character made in this week’s episode of “Big Little Lies” ranked from YOLO to OMG, do you want your life to end rn? Also, duh, SPOILERS.
Madeline walking up the steps paying no caution to the caution signs
Maybe they were there for a reason – you never know!
Madeline trying to have spontaneous kitchen sex with her husband
Their daughter walked in on them while she had her underwear pulled down and he was about to whip his dick out. Awkward.
Madeline spying on her daughter’s Facebook page
Of course Madeline has the password to her teenage daughter’s Facebook account and of course she freaks the fuck out when she sees her daughter’s friend comment on one of her pictures by saying she doesn’t know if it’s sexy/slutty enough.
GRL, this is what teenagers do. They’re obsessed with looking sexy/slutty and most of the time they don’t end up pregnant or with an STD, so just chill.
Madeline walking along the cliffs of Monteray by herself
There she was, minding her own business, when Renata Klein and a bunch of Avenue Q puppets appear out of nowhere to push her over the cliff. Luckily it was all a dream, but still, it’s not a good idea. Especially when somebody’s about to get murdered.
Madeline’s husband Eddie telling her not to use the downstairs bathroom
She was thinking about having sex with him and he goes and tells her he took a massive shit in the bathroom. Cute. Of course, she still went ahead and tried to have sex with him, but that says more about the strength of a determined libido than it does about him.
Renata wearing this “power” sweater
It’s just not flattering. She has money. She can do better.
Jane throwing her phone off a cliff
Luckily it landed in the sand because life’s a beach, but this could have easily ended disasterously. 10/10 do not recommend.
When these unidentified kids start poking a dead animal
I literally don’t even know who these kids are or how they found this dead animal, but poking a dead animal with a stick is always a bad idea. Maybe it has a disease, maybe one of your friends get a little too interested and realizes he/she is destined to become a serial killer. Shit happens.
When the school called in all the parents to talk about Ziggy
Obviously, if one kid has a frickin’ bite mark on her shoulder, that’s a serious problem the school has to take seriously, but calling in Renata Klein and anybody else at the same time is a disaster waiting to happen. Even though the principle was trying to talk to them all one by one, Renata burst into Jane’s session and demanded they figure out wtf they’re gonna do about disciplining Ziggy like the rabid bulldog she is.
Madeline going back to the hospital to check on that director she’s having an affair with
Cuz that’s not gonna make his wife ‘spicious af at allllllllllllllll.
Perry changing his mind about playing tennis
The kids are out of the house so Perry and Celeste end up having sex on the kitchen counter. Surprisingly, the sex seemed pretty violence free, except he ripped Celeste’s blouse, and maybe she really liked that blouse.
Also, that blouse is from The Row, which means that blouse was really expensive and maybe from last season so already irreplaceable.
Jane spending her spare time shooting the shit in a shooting range
Ordinarily, this wouldn’t even rank so high, but Jane’s not just going to the shooting range, she’s going to the shooting range 24 hours before taking a road trip to confront the dude who raped her. Sus.
Celeste meeting Perry at the airport
Let’s do the math. Your abusive husband leaves town for a few hours, you have a breakthrough at therapy where you realize he’s dangerous, and then you go meet him at the airport with your kids? Girl, you know you’re just gonna have to leave him, why make it harder on yourself?
But real life, battered woman syndrome is no joke. Our thoughts go out to Celeste in her hour of need.
Madeline telling Jane where the guy who raped her works
One, that’s not her place.
Two, Jane is understandably a little unhinged when it comes to the guy who raped her.
Third, when her husband asked her why she was so weird recently, she didn’t tell him about the affair, she told him about this. So obvi that’s coming back to bite her in the ass super soon.
Perry angrily picking up Leggos
Cuz you know what happens after he picks them up? He dumps them on Celeste’s head and physically assaults her.
Jane pulling a gun on her kid
Let’s be honest, we all saw this one coming, right? Jane sleeps with a gun under her pillow every night, which is already concerning, but then one night she wakes up with a fright because she senses somebody’s in the bed with her. So she pulls the gun on the intruder and then realizes, oh shit, that’s my own son. My b. Luckily Ziggy doesn’t wake up but still, that coulda gone south rurl fast.
Jane smoking weed while driving to see the man who raped her with a loaded gun in her handbag
Nothing about this is a good idea. Especially when a song that goes, “mommy can I go out to kill tonight, ‘cuz I feel like taking a life” starts playing in the car.
The guy Madeline’s having an affair comes to meet her at the cafe
They end up taking a drive in his car because they don’t wanna make a scene in public, and then right after he’s like, “let’s try and make this work babe.” They get hit by a car, his lung collapses, but then he’s magically chilling at the hospital.
And then it gets worse when Madeline’s husband is like, “ummmm, why was you in that car, wifey?” And she was like, uh, blah blah lie blah blah. Like the smart cookie he is, after she’s finished BSing, her husband sits there in silence and then says, “k, well at least you didn’t die,” and then walks out of the room.
Remember how that one dude said he was like Charles Mansion?
Yeah….think we might be about to find out why.
D – R – A – M – A.
Only on HBO.