A Ranking of Which “Big Little Lies” Characters Are Most Likely to Be Murderers
We’re only two episodes into “Big Little Lies,” HBO’s classy middle-aged people version of “Pretty Little Liars,” but it’s already becoming clear that some characters are looking sus and some are looking as guilt-free as a bag of celery.
Here’s the run down.
Madeline Mackenzie is a sad woman who nurtures her grudges like little plants, because they’re all she has.
She’s built her entire identity around being a mother, and now that her children are growing up, she feels like she’s losing herself.
So she erupts into petite rages whenever her authority over the small matters she still has authority over get called into question – which is why every bit of drama involving her friends at school immediately becomes her drama.
She needs a cause that can still make her feel important and needed.
CHANCES OF BEING THE KILLER: 78%
I’m genuinely torn.
My gut tells me she can’t be the murderer.
BLL keeps emphasizing that underneath her rage, she’s just insecure and desperate to be wanted and needed.
But then my head reminds me that a lot of murderers have felt the same way as Madeline.
The show is emphasizing her vulnerability a little too aggressively for me to think Madeline’s gonna walk away from the season without at least a little blood on her hands.
Madeline’s Husband, Steady Eddie
Madeline’s husband is a walking contradiction.
On the one hand, Madeline’s husband is an Internet nerd who wears cycling unitards and actually calls himself Steady Eddie.
On the other hand, other people describe him as being like Charles Mansion and this one time he tells Madeline’s ex he fantasizes about beating people up who threaten him.
CHANCES OF BEING THE KILLER: 48%
Eddie doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who’d kill anybody, but he does have to put up with his wife constantly talking about her ex, and that’s enough to drive anybody a little nutso.
Madeline’s Ex-Husband Nathan
Nathan is a classic Neanderthal of a man whose masculinity is so fragile, he feels seriously threatened by a scrawny tech guy wearing a cycling unitard.
Which is not to say Madeline Mackenzie’s current husband is any less of a man for wearing a cycling unitard, just that a cycling unitard is the least threatening outfit somebody could possibly have on when they threaten somebody.
CHANCES OF BEING THE KILLER: 37%
While the world should never underestimate what men will do to try and show the world they’re macho af, Nathan is probably harmless.
Sure he told Eddie he wanted to beat his ass, but that was only after Eddie had stormed off and wasn’t there to hear it.
Plus thanks to his new wife Bonnie’s yoga obsession, the closest he’ll get to murdering somebody is talking about murdering somebody.
Madeline’s Ex-Husband’s New Wife Bonnie
Hippies don’t tend to murder people, especially hippies whose sole purpose on earth seems to look hot in yoga clothes at yoga class.
CHANCES OF BEING THE MURDERER: 2%
Women who talk about sweating our their toxins after a night of moderate-heavy drinking don’t murder people. If anything, they make other people want to murder them.
Madeline’s Baby Daughter Chloe
Chloe is in first grade.
She may be guilty of aiding what the adults in the room called sexual assault – yikes, first graders are so adult these days – but there’s no way in h-e-double-hockey-sticks she transforms into a full-fledged murderer in the next couple of episodes.
CHANCES OF BEING THE KILLER: 0%
Unless the phone she constantly carries around with her hijacks her brain while she’s sleeping, or something, but I don’t think BLL is that kinda show.
Madeline’s Other Daughter Who Dresses Like A Hipster Taylor Swift
Sure she constantly brings up her dad’s ex-wife at the dinner table in order to piss off her mother, but what teenager doesn’t find joy in making their mothers miserable?
CHANCES OF BEING THE KILLER: 4%
Fictional teenage girls are easily swayed by handsome drifters they fall head over heels in love with after letting said strangers take their v-cards.
In episode two, we learn not only is this bb hipster a virgin, but she’s just started taking birth control in case she gets lucky and needs to take a d on short notice.
But the chances of this scenario playing out are just about as slim as Taylor Swift’s legs.
The Handsome Director Madeline Works For/With
We know literally nothing about this guy so far besides that he really wants to put on a production of Avenue Q, loves his daughter enough to go to Frozen on Ice, has a wife, and does whatever Madeline tells him to, either because it’s right, because he wants to make her happy, or a little of both.
CHANCES OF BEING THE KILLER: 84%
I love a good out of left field murder suspect, and this guy is at the top of my list.
At first, I thought the only thing he would be guilty of was tempting Madeline to cheat on her boring husband, but then I went back and noticed him spying on Madeline and her friends at the coffee shop in Episode 1.
Or at least, I noticed somebody who looks a lot like him creeping.
There’s something off about Celeste.
Like how in episode one Celeste nodded her head and said, yeah, I know what you mean, when Jane ran her mouth off about how she feels like her like her life doesn’t belong to her.
If I had to guess, I’d say this damaged vibe comes from the fact that – spoiler alert – she gave up her career for her husband who makes it up to her by slapping her around and forcefully having sex with her for six seconds at a time.
She may be hot, but baby girl has some serious problems to deal with.
CHANCES OF BEING THE KILLER: 40%
Throughout the first two episodes, Celeste is constantly shown taking pictures on her phone and uploading them to Facebook.
I’ll bet you she’s there when the murder takes place, but she doesn’t notice until she’s uploading whatever picture of her creepy identical twin boys she took online.
Or, parallel theory, maybe she is the killer.
It’s not the murder she snaps a shot of, but something equally nefarious.
Whoever was involved finds out she took it, threatens her life, and Celeste feels she has no choice but to get some advice from her new BFF Jane, who of course lets Celeste borrow the gun she keeps under her pillow.
Or even better, Jane doesn’t let Celeste borrow the gun, but Celeste steals it from her with the help of their shared BFF Madeline, leaving Jane in a potentially precarious situation when her ex confronts her in the middle of the night.
Celeste’s Husband, Scary Perry
Perry is hot but also doesn’t seem to have any control over his overwhelming urge to slap his wife around, which makes me super concerned abut him.
CHANCES OF BEING THE KILLER: 72%
Impulse control doesn’t seem to be Perry’s thing.
I can definitely see him shooting somebody because they pissed him off or because Nicole was in danger as quickly as I’d click on a story about Kylie Jenner doing a front flip on a trampoline.
Just like Lady Gaga has a million reasons why she should walk away, Jane Chapman has a million reasons why she should murder somebody.
She’s a single mother with a mysterious past that probably involves a psycho ex who may or may not currently be stalking her.
She does not make a lot of money or live in a nice house even though all of her friends do.
She wears her hair in a sad-looking ponytail.
Her precious baby boy is maybe a psycho, just like her ex.
She sleeps with a gun underneath her pillow.
She talks about how she feels like she’s on the outside looking in and her life doesn’t quite belong to her.
She keeps having flashbacks, or flash forwards, of herself running on the beach in a fancy dress, and oh yeah, sometimes there’s a gun in her hand when she’s doing this.
CHANCES OF BEING THE KILLER: 0%
I know what you’re gonna say, but it would be too obvious if Jane was the killer.
HBO is just trying to throw us off the scent of the real culprit by making Jane look as sus as humanly possible.
Now, does she help facilitate the murder?
Maybe. That wouldn’t shock me.
But is she the one who actually gets her hands bloody?
No frickin way.
Jane’s Son Ziggy
Although Ziggy is also only in first grade, he has managed to piss off nearly all of the adults around him, either because they do or don’t believe he choked and sexually assaulted one of his classmates.
CHANCES OF HIM BEING THE KILLER: 20%
If any of the first grader’s in BLL were gonna murder somebody, it would be Ziggy, if only because his mother keeps a gun under her pillow and that’s often how children end up shooting people.
Still, he’s in first grade.
Jane says she and Ziggy’s dad were never together, but baby girl sleeps with a gun underneath her pillow, sooooo I’m pretty sure whatever their past, he’s bad news bears.
CHANCES OF BEING THE KILLER: 60%
Between 2001 to 2012, 11,776 Americans were killed by their husbands or boyfriends, which averages to about 1,071 women per year and 3 women a day according to National Network to End Domestic Violence.
And according to the National Coalition against Domestic Violence, the presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500%.
So yeah, if Jane really ran away from her ex, feels so scared of him she’s sleeping with a gun under her pillow, and is currently being stalked by him, then there’s a good chance he’ll be doing some murdering before this season is over.
Renata Klein is a big-time business woman and as Type A as they come.
And so full of rage.
CHANCES OF BEING THE KILLER: 20%
The second Renata leaned towards Madeline and told her not to f*ck with her, I knew she couldn’t be the murderer.
It’d be too obvious.
But I do think there’s a good chance she’s the one who gets murdered.
Tom, The Guy Who Works At the Coffee Shop And Knows Everything
Every day after Madeline, Celeste and Jane take their kids to school, they head to the cafe to drink cappuccinos and eat chocolate delights that won’t make their ass get fat.
And this guy is always there, being understanding, making them laugh, and most importantly, capable of eavesdropping on all their drama.
CHANCES OF BEING THE KILLER: 62%
Okay, now THIS is a guy I really have my eyes on.
Think about it. He’s always around, everybody trusts him, and in episode 2 he got way more lines than in episode 1 and started trying to be super helpful by hooking Jane up with a job.
He’s the perfect out of left field suspect. Nobody would ever suspect him, but they would talk about whatever tf’s gonna go wrong over the next couple of episodes in his shop because they thought it was a safe space.
And there’s no telling what he could do with that information.
Mark my words, this isn’t the last we’ve seen of him.
So, just to sum it up, here’s who I think our key suspects are right now:
The director Madeline works for/with, Madeline, Celeste’s husband, and the guy who works at the coffee shop who knows everything.
Can’t wait to see how this all shakes out.