The Guys On “Big Little Lies” Are All the Worst
We’re already four episodes into Big Little Lies and while I don’t feel any closer to figuring out who gets their ass murdered, or who does the murdering, there’s one thing I know with absolute certainty: the men on Big Little Lies are all awful.
Granted, none of the women on the show are pure little baby angels sent down from Connecticut to civilize the beastly testosterone-filled men of the world, but they’ve all managed to find THE WORST MEN to hitch their wagons to.
Let’s explore, shall we?
Madeline’s Ex-Husband Nathan
Nathan is a classic angry guy, which must be why his new perfect, boho wife makes him take yoga classes all the time.
Throughout the first couple of episodes we find out that while he and Madeline (aka Reese Witherspoon) were married, he was a total deadbeat. He wasn’t involved in raising his daughter, he wasn’t there for Madeline, and then they got divorced and he was just like, “peace out, boy scouts!”
And while it initially looked like he’d pulled a 180 since nabbing his new young hottie of a wife, he’s still the same old tool who gets IRATE talking about his ex-wife and complains about how it’s a husband’s job to humor their wives’ bullcrap, even though it’s bulllcrap.
Back before the sexual revolution in the 60s, maybe this kind of behavior would be acceptable, but now it just makes him look like an asshole who’s practically begging for a heart attack.
Madeline’s Current Husband, Eddie
There’s something deeply disturbed and desperate about Madeline’s current husband Eddie, to whom she seems to not have a single ounce of sexual attraction.
His wife literally can’t talk about anything but her ex and his new wife and Eddie almost never leaves their house, so he has plenty of time for all this resentment to seep into every pore of his body.
For some reason, he seems to love Madeline with all his heart and he even goes as far as to quasi-threaten her ex-husband because that’s how serious he is when he says he’ll do anything for her.
Also, in episode 4 he surprised her by dressing up like a skinny fat Elvis, which is apparently a thing he does sometimes because it gets him off, or something.
Celeste’s Husband, Scary Perry
There’s no way to mince words about this guy: he’s a controlling, manipulative and incredibly INCREDIBLY abusive husband who gets turned on by his own brutality.
In four episodes he’s slapped Nicole Kidman across the face, shoved her, choked her, pinned her arms down so she couldn’t fight back, told her she legit can’t go back to work, and pressured her into trying to have another baby with him.
And then, he’ll sit there in couples therapy and just go on and on about how much he loves her and how he’s just concerned she’ll leave him one day because she’s so hot and could have any guy she wanted.
Which is true, but that’s beside the point.
He’s tall, dark and dangerous af.
The Handsome Director Madeline Works For/With
Don’t let his puppy dog eyes fool you, this guy, whose name I couldn’t even be bothered to look up, is so so so so so so so so so sad.
Not only is he a grown ass man who gets his kick from directing community theatre MUSICALS, but he’s also so hopelessly in love with a married woman that he’s LITERALLY STALKING HER!
He seems like the kind of lonely loser who’s a few episodes away from perpetuating a murder in the name of love, and that’s just not the kind of guy you want to have on speed dial.
Madeline sure knows how to pick ‘em, doesn’t she?
The Guy Who Put a Baby Inside Jane
A central mystery for the first couple of episodes of Big Little Lies is who tf produced the semen that resulted in Shailene Woodley’s son Ziggy being born.
Jane’s official line was “Ziggy doesn’t have a father,” but obvi that’s just not how conception works.
Well, slowly but surely, we found out the truth.
Ziggy’s dad is real, and he’s a real sociopath – literally.
He met Jane one night at a bar, where he nearly charmed the panties right off her, and then when he brought her back to his apartment, he showed his true brutal rapist tendencies.
WHAT GREAT FATHER MATERIAL, RIGHT?!
Jane’s Son, Ziggy
Although Ziggy’s only in first grade, by episode four his mother is legit worried he may secretly be the worst.
Ziggy’s teacher keeps reaching out to Jane about how her son is probs-def bullying this creepy little girl at school, and Ziggy keeps absolutely denying it.
Desperate, Jane takes him to a child psychatrist for a second opinion and somehow does not seem reassured when the good doctor is like, “nah he’s a sweet bb pussycat. If anything, he’s the one being bullied.”
But Jane doesn’t seem convinced, which also makes me worry her precious baby boy inherited the socio gene from his Dad.
Also, not to point out the obvious, but this kid’s name is Ziggy.
He’s like destined to listen to dad rock and think he’s god’s gift to pussy.
On the plus side, unless he turns out to be a murderer, he’ll probably be able to get a juicy memoir out of his trials and tribulations.
We’re rooting for you, kiddo.