6 Tips for Banging a Republican, Based on the Facts
Had enough of your Facebook friends ranting about Bernie Sanders? Let’s focus on a more fun aspect of the election: figuring out how to wrangle your Valentine’s Day date based on their political views.
Clover, a free dating app which has been dubbed “Tinder without the weirdos“, polled 700,000 users aged 18-65 about their politics of love. They figured out a few facts about Democrats and Republicans and their tastes, resulting in some stats that might not surprise you.
Basically, it confirmed what we already know: Republicans have little to no chill. Except, weirdly enough, when it comes to outdoor sex. But hey, we don’t judge—if your latest crush is a fratty conservative who loves Dan Bilzerian’s Instagram, here are the steps you can take to land your man.
1. Check out your local shooting range.
This one’s a no-brainer. Republicans like to shoot guns twice as much as Democrats do.
2. Stop listening to cool music.
Republicans are 55% more likely to listen to country music, while Democrats are 23% more likely to listen to hip hop. Like I said earlier…no chill.
3. Carry around a Bible, or at least invest in a religious-inspired jewelry à la 80s-era Madonna.
Another non-shocker. Republicans are 200% more likely to be religious than their Democratic counterparts.
4. Head outside to cope with any repressed sexuality.
The best (and weirdest) part of it all? Republicans are 50% more likely to have sex outdoors than Democrats do. Nothing like ingrained conservative values to build a freak in the (picnic blanket) sheets.
5. Talk about how much you love Apple.
Take it from the ultimate Republican, Rush Limbaugh. “Apple is the equivalent of the Republicans on these [tech] blogs, and Google, Android, and Samsung are the equivalent of the Democrats. They’re perfect, they can’t do anything wrong, they’re ideal, and everybody hates Apple.”
Nevermind that Apple is also the most ubiquitous of tech companies in the world, of course.
6. Tell your man, “I don’t wanna know”.
Yikes. According to The Washington Post, “Republican sex scandals have also been more likely to involve adultery than Democratic ones: 86% of the GOP scandals involved an elected official cheating on his wife, compared to only 65% of Democratic scandals.”
But that doesn’t make for an angel Democrat boyfriend — “53 percent of Democratic scandals involved some sort of workplace harassment or dalliance, compared to 27 percent among Republicans.”
Unprofessional harassment or open relationship? Pick your poison, then refer to the infographic below.