Thanksgiving is nothing more than a Christmas cock block
Traveling the world can open your mind to things you never thought possible. I am proud to say that this happened to me a few short weeks ago, when I spent some time abroad. It was during this fateful trip that I realized: It’s time for us to do away with the concept of Thanksgiving and roll straight into Christmas after Halloween.
The first seeds of this ingenious idea were planted during a 12-hour layover in London. It was only October 27th. Yet Christmas lights, red-and-green wreaths, and mini Santa Clauses were already popping up all over the city.
I stopped in the Fortnum and Mason flagship store, and was delighted to see a few full-size, exquisitely decorated trees scattered around. F&M were already selling everything from Christmas ornaments to festive fruitcakes and seasonal teas.
Later on in the trip, we visited Johannesburg, Cape Town, and Frankfurt, Germany. In all of these cities, Christmas decorations were already up — most memorably in the Johannesburg airport, where a giant rhinoceros made of Christmas lights was chilling at baggage claim.
Not once did I hear someone grumble, “God, they’re starting Christmas earlier and earlier this year.” No, I just basked in the glow of the fairy lights and contemplated moving to the UK or South Africa, where there’s no Thanksgiving holiday to cock block Christmas.
In the U.S., the first cautious signs of Christmas begin popping up in early November — and people love to complain about it.
What is it they hate so much about Christmas? Is it the fairy lights? The scents of cinnamon and vanilla filling the air? The endless stream of parties with free food and drinks? The cozy sweaters? The presents? Oh, the horror!
I’d get it if they were part of a religion that doesn’t celebrate Christmas. But in my experience, that’s not the case. The people I’m talking about will gladly accept Christmas presents on December 25th. They’re just killjoys in the two months leading up to it.
Whoever they are, they always have the same refrain: “You could at least wait until after Thanksgiving.”
But why? What the hell is so great about Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving is nothing but an indoor family-only cookout, but with less drinking and a way shittier meat selection.
Sure, Thanksgiving Eve can be fun if you still enjoy your hometown bars. And yes, a lot of people do get two days off from work — which is more than you get for Christmas, a far superior holiday.
Thanksgiving Day Parades are lit, don’t get me wrong. But as Galore contributor Keely Quinlan points out, the parade is barely even a celebration of Thanksgiving as it is.
“Let’s be real,” she says, “the reason it ends with Santa is because we all know [Christmas is] the only holiday that matters.”
Because I’m sorry, but Thanksgiving sucks.
Thanksgiving is not some virtuous day just because we “give thanks.” If you wanna give thanks so bad, what’s stopping you the rest of the year? Ask Arianna Huffington, Oprah or Gwyneth Paltrow. Anyone who’s even slightly into new-age shit is already making gratitude lists from time to time, if not daily. Reflecting on what you’re thankful for only once a year is pitiful at this point.
READ ALSO: Kris Jenner’s Christmas decorations are completely out of control
Not to mention, Thanksgiving’s origins are problematic, to say the least. Growing up, we all learned that the first Thanksgiving was a feast between the pilgrims and Native Americans, where they traded lifehacks thanked each other for… something. Corn? No one ever made it clear when I was in public school.
But in reality, the idea that the pilgrims “thanked” the Native Americans for anything is beyond insulting. They actually slaughtered them. Here’s the real story of Thanksgiving, according to The Manataka American Indian Council:
In 1637 near present day Groton, Connecticut, over 700 men, women and children of the Pequot Tribe had gathered for their annual Green Corn Festival which is our Thanksgiving celebration. In the predawn hours the sleeping Indians were surrounded by English and Dutch mercenaries who ordered them to come outside. Those who came out were shot or clubbed to death while the terrified women and children who huddled inside the longhouse were burned alive. The next day the governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony declared “A Day Of Thanksgiving” because 700 unarmed men, women and children had been murdered.
Pretty freaking brutal. Is the name “Thanksgiving” supposed to be sarcastic? In Donald Trump’s America, it feels grosser than ever to have two days off to celebrate genocide.
And don’t even try to tell me Thanksgiving is worth celebrating because it’s secular and Christmas isn’t. Thanksgiving might technically be a public holiday in the U.S., but the pilgrims were some born-again evangelical psychos. The holiday is majorly rooted in Christianity. If you ever went to church as a kid, you might recall that it was the only place where the word “thanksgiving” was used without referencing the holiday at the end of November.
As it is now, Christmas is allegedly a celebration of Jesus Christ’s birth. But it’s really more of a pagan winter solstice celebration than anything else. I do run with a godless bunch, but in most families I know, Jesus is far from the point of the holiday. Sure, you might see an antique nativity scene on your grandma’s mantle or be forced to attend mass, but on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, no one’s sitting around thinking or talking about the birth of Jesus. The truth is that Christians tacked the whole Jesus’s-birthday angle on later, as an excuse hold onto their yearly pagan rager by naming it something new. Celebrations that looked an awful lot like Christmas have been going on since before Jesus was born.
Let’s face it: Christmas is barely religious at this point. There is scant proof that Christmas exactly as we know it today existed before Mariah Carey invented it in 1994 and Starbucks started making Christmas cups in 1997. Jesus had nothing to do with either of those miracles.
READ ALSO: Can you believe Mariah Carey invented Christmas in 1994?
There’s also this flawed idea that when Christmas stuff pops up in early November, it’s because of American consumerism run wild. Well, hate to break it to you, but starting the season in early November is status quo in the rest of the Christmas-celebrating world. We’re easily the most disgustingly capitalist of the bunch, and we start the Christmas season almost a full month later than they do.
Besides, the most disgusting display of consumerism is on Black Friday — a shopping event that wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for the day off provided by Thanksgiving. Pushing off Christmas until December will not save us from the late-capitalist hell we’ve created. Other countries start Christmas sooner simply because they don’t have Thanksgiving to ruin their flow.
Now, not to get corny on you. But for most of us, Christmas isn’t about the presents. Christmas is about making everything look prettier before all the leaves fall off the trees. It’s about eating and drinking whatever the hell you want with all the people you like the most, because it’s about to be so cold and shitty out you might not want to leave your apartment until March.
So fuck Thanksgiving, y’all. This year has been ROUGH and we deserve to start the best holiday of the year as early as we damn well please. As the great Elton John once said, step into Christmas. The admission’s free.
