Riverdale Report Card: The Tell-Tale Heart

Hey guys, I’m Harry. I’m a content creator in Brooklyn but I wish I was living in the fictional town of Riverdale as Archie’s secret boyfriend.

I have a lot of thoughts about the show, so I thought I’d share them with you here. Think of me as your Riverdale professor, only I’ll be grading the show, not you. Your only homework is to tune in each week!

In this week’s episode, “The Tell-Tale Heart,” Ms. Blossom calls Mrs. Cooper a “gorgen,” Cheryl practices archery in a waist trainer, and Chic’s eyes water a little bit. I’m starting to feel a little bit betrayed, considering I signed up for a Gossip-Girl-meets-Pretty-Little-Liars-but-in-the-woods and I’m getting parents-lie-to-each-other-in-the-suburbs. Where’s all the drama?

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Hookups: F-

The only hookup in this episode is between Mr. Cooper and Ms. Blossom, which is a heinous combo meal if you ask me. For starters, Hal is way too chipmunk-y for Ms. Blossom’s noir starlet self. If she was collecting some coin for the transaction, I’d potentially understand, but she’s not. Luckily, we have Cheryl to thank for putting a momentary end to the gross triste.

Drama: B

The Cooper girls cleaning up and then disposing of a dead man’s body was borderline hilarious. Mrs. Cooper was all like, “Let’s take it into the woods and hide it in a pipe that I used to play in when I was a little girl.” And Betty was like, “Ummm someone’s going to come looking for him!” And Mrs. Cooper is like, “But he’s a drug dealer!” And Betty utters perhaps the most amazing line from the episode, besides Cheryl’s lines: “I hate to break it to you mom, but drug dealers still have families!”

I’m with Mrs. Cooper on this one, though. The last thing I want to think about when I Venmo my guy for an edible is, like, the fact that he has a mom. You know? It IS definitely thought provoking, though. Ugh, now I’m wondering if my dealer has siblings, too!

The whole Hiram Lodge wanting to literally own Archie is bumming me out. That’s totally not going to be good for Varchie. How are they supposed to remain together if the Lodges turn him into an information mule?

Tender Moments: D 

Hmmm I’m not recalling anything genuinely tender about this episode except for when Chic pretends to cry at the breakfast table. He’s pretty damn convincing, too:

Oh, wait, maybe the most tender moment is when Betty comes home to find Mrs. Cooper and Chic playing a whimsically old looking game of Clue. I’m pretty sure at least four players are needed for that game, but it’s fine. I’ll bet you $5 Chic was playing as Colonel Mustard.

Fashion: A

I’m giving this episode an A in fashion only because of Cheryl’s archery practice outfit. Do you know of anyone else that could pull off leather leggings and a plaid blazer while shooting a bow and arrow? Didn’t think so.

Catfights: F

Just because Cheryl is back doesn’t mean she’s got her claws out. She’s actually super sweet. Like, really sweet. Telling Betty that she has puke on her collar and that her dad is sleeping with her mom? Did she fall from heaven or was she pushed?

Learning Lessons: B+

I’ve always thought Agent Adams seemed a little too into the idea of being in cahoots with Archie. Like, is that a pistol in his trench coat or is he just happy to see Archie? But alas, we now know that he was a Lodge hire, only there to test Archie’s loyalty. And patience, clearly.

Half of me loves watching Agent Adams talking to Archiekins, all stern or whatever, but the other half of me is like, “Wait, what are they even talking about?” Every time one of them said  “Papa Poutine” in a serious context (which was every time), I took a sip of bleach. I just couldn’t do it. Could you take that seriously? Why couldn’t they have named him something serious like Craig or Windsor? Hopefully this means that Archie will stop being stalked by that cling-fest of an FBI agent.

I must make note of the mall cop looking buggy that pulls up outside of Betty’s house while her and Juggy are sitting on her leaf strewn stone front steps, wondering when life will get better. Inside the buggy is a raspy-voiced woman cop, inquiring about the dead man’s car that’s been parked there for two days. Juggy says it’s his and then they push it into some nearby body of water. Does Betty live next to a bayou? Hopefully they go swimming in it later this season. But seriously, how cute is this Parking Enforcement buggy?

Food: A-

The morning after the Coopers disposed of the unidentified dead man’s body, Mrs. Cooper cooks up a nice big breakfast of chocolate chip pancakes. Of course, her breakfast-cures-all logic doesn’t fly with Betty, who takes one look at the catalog-ready spread on the table and says, “I don’t like chocolate chip pancakes.” Icy jab, Bets! So she pours herself a bowl of Fruity Munches (cute!) while having bloody flashbacks of cleaning up the corpse on the dining room floor the night before. Talk about trauma! Betty drops said bowl on the floor when there’s a knock at the door, even though it’s just Juggy, innocent as ever, wanting to walk her to school. I just really liked this chaotic fruit loop mess:

Additionally, I’m very fond of Ms. Blossom eating strawberries from a glass bowl in the dark. I’d honestly be doing the same thing if I were in her position. Come to think of it, I do do that on occasion. Minus the single black glove.

Music: F

Now, when an episode airs that doesn’t have Camila Mendes singing some very random song from the good ol’ days, I feel a little jipped. Is it my fault for expecting her to start belting at every inopportune moment? She doesn’t really serve any purpose other than to watch herself put on pearls in the mirror and call her father “daddy,” you know?

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