Riverdale Report Card: “The Wrestler”

Hey guys, I’m Harry. I’m a content creator in Brooklyn but I wish I was living in the fictional town of Riverdale as Archie’s secret boyfriend.

I have a lot of thoughts about the show, so I thought I’d share them with you here. Think of me as your Riverdale professor, only I’ll be grading the show, not you. Your only homework is to tune in each week!

In this week’s episode, “The Wrestler,” Archie dons a wrestling outfit (hot!) in an attempt to get on Hiram Lodge’s good side while Jughead learns a thing or two about the Serpent’s past. Veronica sings and Cheryl cries, you know, the usual!

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Hookups: B

This was not a sexy episode. Veronica and Archie kiss a couple times, once in front of Mr. Lodge, which was weird, and that’s about it. Unless we want to count Archie and Kevin wrestling? I’m sure Kevin counts that as a hookup since he described it to Betty in some deserted classroom after the fact. Plus it was kinda hot. Feast your eyes.

Drama: C

The rift between Hiram Lodge and Archie is so… boring. Honestly, every time Hiram gets Archie alone, I’m like, Oh god. Again? Plus, I don’t even know why he hates Archie so much. How could anyone hate Archie?! I’m so glad Archie agreed to intern for Mr. Lodge at the end of the episode. NOT. What does that even mean? Is Archie going to get him coffee and tell him he has a phone call at 3? I’d rather see Ms. Blossom wreck someone’s home, but I think that’s coming up…

READ ALSO: The “Riverdale” midseason premiere gave Betty a super creepy new brother

Tender moments: B+

I couldn’t tell if Betty and her new hottie brother were gonna, like, kiss or not. Like, I kept waiting for him to be all, “I’m not your brother lmao I just needed a place to stay yo haha let’s bone.”

But alas, they are actually siblings, proven by the fact that they’re both totally dark teens that scratch themselves. No, seriously, they were talking about their scars on an Alessia Cara level.

Anyway, at the end of the ep, Chic teaches Betty how to be a webcam girl! Jughead even narrates, “And with the stroke of a few keys… the dark education of Betty Cooper had begun.” Ummm, I want a dark education from Chic, too!

Additionally, I loved when Cheryl was at her great, great, etc. grandfather’s grave with her mom, learning about how terrible her family was back in the day. How they were into killing people and stuff. And she was so affected! Like, tears were streaming down her face! It’s ok Cheryl, we still love you even though your elders killed a bunch of innocent people!

READ ALSO: Vanessa Morgan bashes bisexual taboos in new season of “Riverdale”

Fashion: A

You guys already know what my favorite fashion moment from this ep was. Don’t you? Of course it’s Archie wearing the Riverdale wrestling singlet! Blue and yellow just go so well with his perfect red hair. Like Troy Bolton in red and white. Definitely one of his best looks to date. Let’s have a moment of silence for the fact that he’ll probably never wear it again. RIP Archie’s singlet.

Another look I’m kinda obsessed with is Betty’s play-doh-and-oreos ensemble. Does it not look like she’s about to get dropped off at a playdate?!

The costume department really went there. They did that. Also, I love her big silver fan. Someone’s been pouring over the pages of PB Teen between coloring book sessions.

Last but not least, Ms. Blossom at Picken’s Day wearing a fur shawl and leather gloves while eating (or just holding, rather) a candy apple is uh-mazing. It 100% screams, “off duty prostitute at a fun, fall carnival.”  I guess I shouldn’t be too quick to say “off duty” since she later plucks the maple snow cone right out of Mr. Cooper’s hand and offers her services. You go, Ms. Blossom!

Catfights: F

Cheryl is weirdly tame right now, so the catfight front is quiet. I can’t bring myself to call Josie and Veronica fighting in the music room a “catfight”. You know what I mean? Like, can we get a slap or maybe some slick disses? Something? I mean, figures, since Josie is literally a puppet programmed by her rude mom. Someone had to say it!

READ ALSO: Who we’re shipping in “Riverdale” season 2

Learning Lessons: C

Jughead pulls a Shailene Woodley in this episode and becomes an activist. Look at him with tape over his mouth, silenced:

His journalism is self-serving, though, so he gets lectured by Toni Topaz. Is that her full name?! His attempt to share the story of the Serpent’s history is cute, but misses the mark, as Vogue would say. However, they end up doing the right thing by quitely protesting Picken’s day.

Of course, this prompts Veronica to say, “What the hell is going on?” since she’s probably the only person that was too busy hatching a plan to screw Josie over to read the school newspaper. Nice save, Juggy.

I don’t think we learned anything this episode except that Veronica won’t kiss Archie when he’s sweaty.

Food: A

Ah, the Cooper household, where the food is always abundant and bright. My personal favorite from this episode was the salad and big bowl of grapes. I’ve never seen a bigger bowl of grapes. Clearly, Betty is not in a grape mood, judging by her slouched body language. It could also be that the toxic air in the Cooper household is stressing her out. Either way, I couldn’t even focus on what was being said because my attention was just completely drawn to the big bowl of grapes! Were they eating lunch? Or dinner? Mrs. Cooper was saying something about fueling up for Picken’s Day. Maybe it was a snack?

Music: B+

Jaden Smith’s “Watch Me” was the perfect soundtrack to Archie’s wrestling career finale. It was very reminiscent of when Gossip Girl had the perfect song for every occasion, even the random ones, like Blair walking down the street after confession. You remember that, right? Veronica singing a cover of “Union of the Snake” by Duran Duran at Picken’s Day while Josie gaped in the audience was also very satisfying. I love when lead actresses can also belt it out, honey! In fact, I’m going to download it on Spotify so that I can listen to it on the go. Who would guess that I’m listening to a Camila Mendes cover of Duran Duran?

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