‘Résumé Lay’ Is When You Bang Someone Just For the Story
There are a lot of reasons to have sex: for fun, for love, to pass the time, to keep yourself from drunk-eating.
But only the most daring among us will bang someone just so they can talk about it later. And now, thanks to comedian Mehran Khaghani and the Guys We F****d podcast, we’ve just learned a name for this particular type of coitus: résumé sex.
Résumé sex, Mehran explains on the July 6 episode of GWF, is when you just bang someone for the story, even if you’re not 100% sure you won’t regret it later. Here’s the rationale for some of his most notorious résumé sex:
“Like, I fucked a witch once who spat on my house,” he explained. “It hasn’t always been noble. It hasn’t been the greatest, healing, good choices. It is a funner life. It’s what you should do in your 20s.”
You need to subscribe to Guys We F****d and listen to the full episode and understand the scope of Mehran’s escapades and his hilarity, which we cannot do justice here.
But what we can do is reflect on this concept of résumé sex — who’s having it? Why are they doing it? And should we give it a shot?
We asked around the Galore offices and staffers’ various group texts, and found that résumé sex — sex just for the story — is just as common as we suspected.
One reader of ours had sex with the son of one of Donald Trump’s lawyers’ sons during the Apprentice years just to see what would happen.
“My friend was like, ‘He’s perfect for you, he’s rich, you’ll never have to do anything for the rest of your life, just suck it up,'” she recalls. “But he was like an infant in a man’s body. He was so needy in the short time I was hanging out with him. He’s now apparently married to a mail-order bride.”
Oh, and he had stuffed animals surrounding his bathtub, plus Batman and Superman figurines in his house.
He got a mail-order bride, she got a story of banging a Trump associate – clearly she wins.
Another reader wound up banging the hottest guy ever when she spotted him working at a Vegas club.
“I was newly single and having a how-is-this-real-life Vegas experience after watching some ‘new friends’ drop $60,000 on drinks in 15 hours,” she said.
After spotting him at the same club two days straight, she was determined to manifest a bone sesh. Finally, the bouncer started asking her and her friends what they were doing at night, when she blurted out, “Do you want to come? What’s your number?”
Fast forward to that night, which is when we learn why this particular encounter counts as résumé sex…
“It quickly became clear that while he was ridiculously attractive, he was also very dumb,” she said. “I decided to deal with that by avoiding conversation entirely and making out everywhere. Then, when my friends went to the next club, I brought him back to my room. And that’s how I had sex with the hottest bouncer in Vegas.”
Banging someone so you can say “I fucked a bouncer/pilot/brain surgeon” seems like a natural approach to résumé sex. Other times, résumé sex comes in the form of banging someone who you feel is way too old or young for you. That same reader also describes a recent situation when she was back at her old college to speak to the seniors and inspire them, but wound up having sex with one.
She started by talking to the college student in question at a bar. “It was a perfectly normal conversation about what he wanted to do after graduation and how that relates to his major and overall college experience,” she said.
As the conversation continued, “I was going between these feelings of ‘wow I am such a wise sage bestowing great advice’ and ‘why weren’t there guys like this here when I was a student?'” she recalls. “He was mature and worldly and interesting but I was still very aware that I’m years older than him.”
Later, she commented on how the place where she was staying was gross, and he grabbed her hands, looked in her eyes, and said, “But tonight, you’re staying with me.”
“We had sex like 10 times because 22-year-olds don’t have erectile dysfunction yet, which is fun,” she said. Because yes, age-appropriate dudes start having boner issues pretty early these days.
Another reader’s can-do attitude landed her in a surprise foursome that sounds like something out of a bad porn from the 80s.
“My friend asked another one of her friends to show her how to hook up with a guy,” our source says. “She suggested that she show her by using her current boyfriend.”
Apparently the hopeful student didn’t want to go it alone, because she asked our source to join in.
“It basically turned into a foursome/orgy,” she told Galore. “I didn’t want to but my bestie convinced me because she was sexually inexperienced and wanted to ‘learn.'”
The boyfriend took four Viagras for some reason, and then they all got drunk and took turns “learning” how to give the lucky guy a blow job. The four of them basically did every sex act under the sun besides anal, and then at some point “things got weird” so the two friends left the couple at home and finished the night at a club. Our source swears that this Cruel Intentions-esque romp is a true story.
So it seems the hallmark of résumé sex is deciding to rise above regret. Instead, look at the notches in your bedpost as accomplishments. It’s not about whether you found the sex productive or worthwhile — it’s the fact that you gave it your best shot.
A résumé sex aficionado will never think to herself, “I couldn’t possibly bang him, he hangs out with Trump.” Instead, she’ll size up the salmon-shorts-wearing specimen with gusto and think, “Hell yeah, I’m going to bang this freaky Trump associate. It might be bad, it might be good, but either way, it’ll be a story.”