How to be the groupie you’ve always wanted to be

Even if your aspirations go way beyond having sex on a shitty tour bus with someone with 1 million Instagram followers who will forget your name by tomorrow, almost every girl has at least one musician they’d groupie the fuck out for.

Maybe it’s that you love the music, maybe they just are really fucking hot writhing around the stage in their skinny jeans, or maybe you just need it for resume sex purposes.

Even if you’re in a loving relationship and aren’t about to ruin it by banging some faux-deep bro with an acoustic guitar, you probably wonder just how the hell that girl from your sorority managed to sleep with a grammy-winning rapper, right?

Well, here’s how to do it. And it’s actually way easier than you thought.

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1. Wear something thotty

You have to accept the fact that no matter how great your personality is, any guy choosing who to invite backstage is basing his opinion on looks. This has nothing to do with bone structure or body types. Instead, you need a mix of 1. confidence and 2. style. Flaunt what you’ve got and don’t ever worry about looking “too slutty.”

That being said, you also don’t want to look like a noob or a dumbass. You want to look like a casual thot, not someone who confused the concert venue for an upscale night club. Don’t wear heels and don’t wear a cocktail dress. Go for some short-shorts and a crop top and boots, or even sneakers, and maybe a casual (but very slutty) dress.

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2. If you don’t have a killer wing woman, roll solo

If you don’t have a friend who’s hot, of legal drinking age, and down with sketchy ass situations in search of dick – roll solo. Musicians can be as picky as they want when deciding who to invite back, and if your friend gets too drunk or is being a killjoy, they’re going to tell her to GTFO. If you go alone, you probably won’t be the only one who’s alone, and it’ll actually force you to make friends with people – people who probably have way better connections than you do.

3. Do not try to get to the front

Every amateur groupie’s dream is to get noticed by the lead singer while she’s standing in the crowd, then suddenly be invited on tour and become his live-in girlfriend. Unfortunately, that’s probably not going to happen unless you have no obligations/life and don’t mind sharing him with all the other groupies – not to mention that no normal celeb is picking out his future bae from a crowd of screaming fans.

If you make your way to the front, it means you’re a fan girl. It also means that it’s going to be difficult for him to get his minions to go out and talk to you about coming back after the show. When rappers put their hands out into the crowd, they can barely even see who’s grabbing their fingers. Save your breath and the possibility of getting sweaty by sticking to the outskirts of the crowd.

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4. Befriend the merch guy

Even if you’re lusting after an artist/band that’s not that famous and still does meet and greets, the merch guy is still going to be your #1 contact most likely. Trust me, once a rapper asked for my number and had me give it to his merch guy, then I waited up until 1 a.m. that night for him to never hit me up. The better bet is to go directly to the source instead of waiting around.

Forget the meet and greet and forget being “noticed” from the crowd. During the show (when there aren’t a lot of people by the merch tables) go over and talk to the merch dude. If you look hot (which you will if you followed the above tips), he’ll be interested – not to mention the fact that he’s probably bored af sitting there. Ask him what he’s getting up to after the show and I can almost guarantee you that you’ll get an invite to wherever the “after party” is – even if it’s just on the tour bus.

5. Play hard to get

Yes, you have to be a little bit assertive to get in with the merch guy, but when it comes to the actual famous dudes you should take a chill pill. Shockingly, most artists probs don’t want to hook up with their #1 fangirl – it’s creepy. Instead, act like you don’t know who the hell he is, seriously. It might be dated and “playing the game” – but it 100% works. There are going to be a million girls running up to the lead singer and begging him for attention – don’t be like them. Nothing is more tragic than watching a guy brush off a girl who’s clearly trying to get in his pants. Guys want what they can’t have!

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6. Be down for whatever

Be a down ass bitch, okay? Don’t be asking a million questions about who’s going to be where you’re going, if they’re going to have your fave brand of vodka, etc. A lot of times the “after party” is not lit at all. Sometimes it’s hanging on a crowded af bus without your cell phone (someone will confiscate it) and then going back to a shitty hotel room at 3 a.m. Sometimes it’ s chilling with a case of Four Lokos while the artist literally lays on the floor and texts his girlfriend. Nobody really knows what’s going on and it’s a lot less glam than you’d expect. Just think of the good stories you’ll have either way and chill out.

7. Stay out late

The problem with guys in the music biz is that they don’t have a normal person’s schedule. They can sleep until noon tomorrow on the bus – unlike you, who probably has shit to do tomorrow. Chances are you’ll get back to the bus (or the hotel, or wherever) and there will be a shitload of people – or like, a shitload of people compared to the size of the bus.

If you want to hook up with the musician, you’re going to have to wait it out to get him alone and get him wanting to leave the party. Seriously, I’ve had artists come up to me and say “stick around, I want to talk to you later” and in my head I’m just like, “um, can we ‘talk’ now? I’ve got class tomorrow.” And then I leave at 2 am and the girls who stayed around until 5 am definitely had better stories to tell their friends the next day.

8. Keep in touch 

Even if you don’t get the hook-up story you hoped for, there’s always next time. If you were a good time, the merch dude (or whoever you gave your number to) will want to invite you to hang with them next time they’re in your city. Make sure he puts your name as “Sara Philly” in your phone and texts you next time they’re rolling through. Shoot him a text the next day and say something like “so nice to meet you last night, text me next time you’re in town!” Sure, he might not be the one you want to get with, but there’s no harm in making him think he is!

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