What Your Guy’s Tattoo Placement Says About Him
Sometimes it’s not about what a guy’s tattoo is, but where he chose to get the tattoo. Seriously, is a guy’s fraternity tat less douchey if it’s on his leg vs. on his chest? And what can you decipher about your Tinder date that has a very questionable lower back tattoo?
If your latest bae has got a tat or two or has inked his whole body, it can say a lot about him. Let Ryan Reynold’s questionable leg tats or Zac Efron’s shameful YOLO tat guide you through deciding if your new tatted bae is worth your time.
1. On His Legs (And Only On His Legs)
Sorry, but guys who only get tatted on their legs (a la Ryan Reynolds) are fucking weird and the epitome of white privilege. This look essentially says “I want to look like a badass when I’m in summer clothes, but also still be able to pass as a typical white man in the corporate world,” explains Galore senior editor Molly Mulshine.
Sorry dude, but no matter how many skulls or quotes in Old English font that you get on your thighs, you still look like a loser in flip flops.
2. On His Back
A common tattoo that you’ll see on male backs all summer is a last name inked across a dudes upper back, perhaps inspired by every girl’s first crush, Ryan Sheckler.
In Ryan’s defense, he was actually an athlete (skaters are athletes, right?), so it made a little more sense to get the sports jersey inspired tat on his back. As for the average Jersey Shore bro who got “DiNicola” written across his muscle-bursting back?
He’s either really dedicated to his fam, or really dedicated to himself (have fun figuring out which one). He probably posts shirtless selfies on Instagram and hasn’t realized that it’s no longer cool for guys to get their ears pierced. On the plus side, if he is dedicated to his fam, he could be just as dedicated to you; just make sure you never hate on his mom’s cooking or his 40 year old brother that still lives at home.
3. All Over
While society is becoming more and more accepting of tats, there are still jobs that a fully-tatted person probably won’t be hired for.
If, like Wiz Khalifa, a dude sings about how he wants to “ink his whole body” like he don’t “give a motherfuck,” it’s only chill if he actually has a successful rap career, not if he’s slinging burgers at Five Guys.
If the tatted dude you happen to be banging actually has his own business, is a successful artist, or is killing it at whatever career path he’s chosen, that’s cool. But watch out. A guy who’s always looking for a new tattoo for a thrill might also always be looking for a new chick.
4. On His Face
The dude who gets tatted on his face is either really ballsy, or really stupid; and 90% of the time it’s the latter.
Justin Bieber may have felt really cool when he got a cross tatted on his face a couple months ago, but if he wasn’t a billionaire pop star everyone would look at him like a total idiot (many of us still do regardless).
I’d challenge you to find a guy who planned out his face tattoo for more than a week, because chances are nearly every guy with a face tat got drunk one day and thought it’d be a good idea to get a flame under his left eyeball. This guy can’t make plans or rational decisions, and half the time his charming spontaneity is actually pretty idiotic. There’s a reason that the place you see most face tattoos are in mugshots.
5. On His Bicep
Marky Mark took his DILF role seriously and got his ugly-ass bicep tattoos removed while making his kids watch the whole thing in 2012, but we thankfully still have the photos to relive the memories.
Both of Mark’s previous tattoos, a Bob Marley portrait on one bicep and his own initials on the other bicep, look like they’re really bad henna tattoos, like the kind you get on the boardwalk on your family vaca to the Jersey Shore. Maybe this is because tattoos have evolved since Mark was young, or maybe because the bicep is the most cliché place to get a tat when you’re a little kid.
A guy with bicep tattoos likely lacks originality and will win you over with his big biceps rather than his wit. He’s sure to be a fun fuck and look great in your Instagram beach pics together, but you’ll probably have to eventually teach him to stop wearing boxers under his board-shorts and explain that working at Gold’s Gym isn’t a career path if you want things to last.
6. On His Crotch
Instead of getting a tat on their crotch, guys should just get the words “fuckboy” emblazoned on their head.
Once I had the “pleasure” of hooking up with a dude that had the words “lucky you” tatted right above his crotch area. He claimed that the tat was a mistake that he had gotten done when he was an alcoholic, but even though he was now sober it was clear that the reason he got a tat there was because a new chick sees it every night.
Alex Pettyfer, who has “thank you” tatted above his pubes, is a perfect example of a dude with a crotch tattoo because I have no clue who he is other than the fact that he has a crotch tattoo that says “thank you.” According to Google, he’s an actor and model, which means that he’s famous enough to convince girls to go home with him even though they shouldn’t.
Guys don’t get tatted on their crotch area so that they can keep it discreet, they get tatted on their crotch because they want their frequent one night stands to remember them, but Lord knows that they won’t remember you.
7. On His Ass
While a dude who gets tatted on his ass can also be a player, he’s way less douchey and way more hilarious. A guy with a tat on his ass doesn’t take life too seriously and likes to grab the bull by the horns (or the ass? IDK).
Like, sure, this Geordie Shore reality star posed for a fake ass tat solely to make fun of Cheryl Cole’s equally insane tat, which is not that chill. But a non-celeb dude with an ass tattoo def knows how to YOLO and is a great fuck buddy… just don’t try to get him to tat your name on his ass.
A guy who only tats up his feet or hand is kind of like the male equivalent of girls who have one tattoo (likely a quote or infinity sign) on their ribs. He’s the bro version of a basic bitch. Chances are he’ll try to explain a serious and profound meaning for the star on his foot, but in reality he just got it because all his friends were getting tatted and he was too much of a pussy to get a more visible one.
If he’s got a banging body and fruitful career like Zac Efron, you may be able to forgive him for his pathetic “YOLO” tattoo and just have him wear socks/gloves more than usual… but never forget that your boo is basic.