Why Dreaming About Your Ex Doesn’t Mean You Miss Them

Nobody’s happy to dream about their ex.

Maybe it reminds you of how shitty they were, or maybe it tricks you into thinking you miss them. Even worse, maybe you dream about your ex while lying next to your new bae.

Whatever it is, you don’t need to stress. In fact, having a dream about your ex doesn’t mean that you miss them.

We talked to dream expert Lauri Loewenberg about what dreaming about your ex could really mean, and what you can do about it.

It Probs Doesn’t Mean You Miss Them

In most instances, a dream about your ex can mean a lot more than you not being over them. Lauri says that unless it was a recent break up, a dream about your ex probably has nothing to do with you missing your ex

In most cases, a dream about your ex has something to do with whatever is going on in your life right now, whether it’s good or bad.

“The meaning of your ex really depends on what your relationship was like,” says Lauri.

Generally, a dream about your ex could mean that you need to learn something from that failed relationship or you’re experiencing a similar situation that reminds you of your relationship with your ex, says Lauri.

For example, if you and your ex constantly fought when you were drunk and you’re doing the same thing with your latest bae, it could be the cause for some scary dreams.

It Might Be Because They Were Your “First Love”

Lauri says that the most common ex we all dream about is our first love, but it generally means you miss the relationship, not the person.

She explains:

“These dreams aren’t so much about him, but more about what he represents: excitement, passion, feeling desired, the whole world being in vivid technicolor. The first love will show up in our dreams years, decades later, as a reminder that we need to bring this sort of excitement back in our life again.”

Lauri says that these type of dreams come up when you’re going through a dry spell (sexually or relationship-wise) or when you’re growing bored of your own relationship, which happens to the best of us.

All you have to remember is that you’re missing a feeling, not a person and that they’re your ex for a reason. Definitely don’t get caught up and start drunk texting your ex.

As for the solution?

“I would recommend finding a way to attract someone that makes you feel the same way or find a way to spice up your current relationship,” says Lauri.

Easier said than done, but aim high, right?

It Might Be Because The Relationship Was Traumatic

This may be more of a nightmare rather than a dream, or maybe your brain is turning a real-life nightmare into a dream.

Lauri says that it’s very common for women who have experienced abusive relationships to continually dream about that ex long after the relationship has ended.

“They either dream that they are still with the ex and being abused or they are with the ex and it is wonderful,” says Lauri.

If you dream about being back in the abusive relationship, Lauri says it likely means you haven’t forgiven yourself for allowing yourself to be in that relationship and that you’re still beating yourself up. She recommends seeking professional help as this may indicate that you’re bringing this past relationship into the present and future, which will prevent you from having healthy relationships.

If you dream about being with that abusive ex and things are peaceful, it might mean that you’ve come to peace with the relationship and are ready to move on. Yay!

Use Your Annoying Ex Dreams To Your Advantage

We’ve all been victim to dreaming of our exes and then waking up feeling like we miss them (even if we didn’t previously). Lauri says that instead of brushing these feelings to the side, we should go in and analyze what our brain is trying to tell us.

“Just remind yourself, it’s not really about the ex, but about what he represents,” says Lauri.

She continues:

“Ask yourself, what about that relationship or what about that time in my life do I miss most? Once you’ve identified it, figure out how you can bring that back into your life. Maybe you were more carefree back then. Maybe you were healthier and more active. Maybe you just really like being in a relationship. The dream is not so much about him, but rather your dream is using him as a symbol for something you feel you need now.”

Remember That They Were a Lesson, Not a Soulmate 

The whole “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” thing is kind of BS. But the “every mistake is a lesson” thing is real. Sure, your last break up sucked, but you can turn it into something positive by learning from it. The same goes with that ex that you dream about.

“The ex, whether horrible or wonderful, came into your life for a reason,” says Lauri. “He wasn’t meant to remain in your life, just to pass through in order to help you grow, to become wiser, stronger and more certain of what you want or don’t want when it comes to the [right] one.”

Sure, heartbreak sucks, but it just means that your next relationship is going to be even better because you’ve learned from your last one.

And If You Think You Really Aren’t Over Them…

There is a small chance that having a dream about your ex means that you’re not over them. But there are other ways to figure that out besides dreams.

If it’s been a while and your ex is still populating your dreams, take a look at other potential signs.

“[If] you haven’t been in a healthy happy relationship since you were with him, you compare your prospects to him, you sometimes find your mind wandering to fond memories of when you were with him,” you might still not be over him, explains Lauri.

This is totally okay, it just means that you need to take the appropriate steps to move on.

Gimme More Dating

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