Read This Hysterical Imagining of Beyoncé & Jay Z’s House Post-‘Lemonade’
And then instead of keeping his musings to himself, he turned them into a totally LOL fanfic called “The Lemons.”
And yes, we know what you’re thinking but trust us, even if you think fanfic is just for nerdy teenagers with the sexual frustration levels of a 40-year-old virgin, you need to give it a read because spoiler alert: shit is cray.
Here’s what you need to know. When the story begins, Lemonade has just dropped.
Bey: Do you like it
Jay: Its magnificent. You’ve really out done yourself. Wh-
Bey: Fuck you
Bey: My fans are going to tear you apart lol
Bey: Don’t fucking laugh
Beyonce is still v. mad at Jay Z and not-so-secretly wants to kill him:
Bey: You’re my favorite man in the world and I want to be the one to kill you.
In fact, so do Solange and Beyonce’s Mom.
Beyoncé opens the door and Solange Knowles and Tina Lawson walk in. Solange throws a reverse roundhouse kick that Jay Z lazily dodges.
Solo: I’m sorry. I’m just very inspired right now.
Bey: Mommy! Solo! What a pleasant surprise! Neither of you could have had better timing
Jay: Sister-in-law. Mama Tina.
Mama T: Stereotypical Black Man…You are pathetic. The universe wasted good water creating you.
And of course things only get more ridiculous when Ava DuVernay, Taraji P. Henson, J. Cole, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian wind up coming over for a dinner that never happens:
Bey: …Jay… did you hide my swords again
Jay: I was cleaning up th-
Bey: You don’t clean shit, I should slap the shit out you
Jay: I might have put them upstairs. Did you wanna check?
Kim: Ooh, you should hold the swords while we take a selfie lol
Bey: I will hold your daughter while you take a dirt nap
Kim and Kanye: huh lol
Oh, and did we mention that Prince isn’t really dead, he’s just camping out at the Knowles-Carter residence?
Bey: He lives in the underground complex, so good luck finding him
Solo: What’s going on? What if TMZ or somebody gets a picture of this?
Jay: They stopped trying to get past the komodo dragons years ago
Bey: They were a lot less persistent than Drake.
If your interest piqued yet?
Read the whole thing here and don’t say we never do anything nice for you.