Here Are Some Beauty Tips Every Girl Should Steal From ‘American Psycho’
It’s been 25 years since Bret Easton Ellis’ famed novel American Psycho was published, but since it’s just been adapted for the stage as a Broadway musical, it’s time to reexamine one of main character Patrick Bateman’s most important obsessions: his morning beauty routine.
The Guardian has produced a list of the brands Bateman painstakingly details as part of his “wash routine,” taken directly from the novel, which you can read in full here. Easton Ellis’ description of Bateman’s routine reads practically like an IntoTheGloss profile, except that it’s really scary. Nonetheless, if you like looking wealthy and/or clean (as we all should, RIGHT?) steal some of Bateman’s tips, listed below.
1. “Vidal Sassoon shampoo is especially good at getting rid of the coating of dried perspiration, salts, oils, airborne pollutants and dirt that can weigh down hair and flatten it to the scalp which can make you look older.”
While this brand might have been fancy in the 90s, it certainly isn’t now. But that doesn’t mean it’s bad. Vidal Sassoon is one of those cheap-y brands that probably puts a ton of shitty chemicals in their product, somehow transforming the texture of your hair into something unnaturally silky-smooth. Seriously. Drugstore shampoo is popping.
2. “I also lightly blow-dry the hair to give it body and control (but without stickiness) and then add more lotion, shaping it with a Kent natural- bristle brush, and finally slick it back with a wide-tooth comb.”
The perfect brush is hard to find, and while Kent brushes seem mainly geared to sell towards men, they do have a wide range of options for women as well—wide tooth combs, paddle brushes, rubber-cushioned products, whatever you may fancy, they’ve got.
3. “Then I always slather on a moisturizer (to my taste, Clinique) and let it soak in for a minute.”
Moisturizer is obligatory, everyone knows that. But letting the product soak for a minute is lowkey genius, because I always immediately put my primer on after moisturizer, and that’s not the way things should be.
4. “Then I inspect my hands and use a nailbrush.”
This is v. important because in order for people to trust you, your nails have got to be on point.
5. “I stand in front of a chrome and acrylic Washmobile bathroom sink – with a soap dish, cup holder, and railings that serve as towel bars, which I bought at Hastings Tile to use while the marble sinks I ordered from Finland are being sanded – and stare at my reflection [with the ice pack still on].”
This tip might be most crucial. Regardless of what type of bathroom sink you own — and like, whether or not you’re waiting on a Finnish marble sink order — staring in the mirror each morning and telling yourself that you’re awesome is the best way to start believing it. If you’re not sure how to go about it, you can steal affirmations from another well-known psychopath, Silence of the Lambs’ Buffalo Bill. This one should do nicely:
For further comprehension of the Bateman regimen, watch Christian Bale expertly apply beauty products in the movie’s original “morning routine” scene below. And if you’re feeling extra psycho-loco this weekend, consider buying tickets for the American Psycho musical. It opened to pretty good reviews.