8 life lessons I’ve learned from reality TV

I’ve always viewed and treated reality television like fables.

You remember, those fictional stories from childhood where there’s always some kind of moral lesson at the end? Think “The Tortoise and the Hare” but instead of the tortoise beating the hare in the race, she outsells the hare’s rival booty workout tape on Amazon and just got a milli in her divorce settlement, fab.

Beyond being pure entertainment, what was once a guilty pleasure has now turned into an education. A wise man learns from the mistakes of others, and reality tv is a treasure trove of lessons and mistakes, all for our viewing delight.

If you think about it, there is plenty to learn from reality shows and their stars.  I’m telling you we do not take advantage of this free education, so here are some lessons from reality tv that I keep in my thoughts and prayers as I try and navigate life with the ease, class, and sophistication of a reality star.

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1. Beware Lunches

If someone invites you to lunch, brace yourself. You never know who or what kind of shit is going to pop-up at the lunch table, so always be prepared for a ponderosa and bring receipts. Dinner parties are a whole different topic, don’t even get me started on brunch…

2. If You Have Drama That Needs To Be Resolved Privately, Do It Publicly

Throw a party and drunkenly call people out on the mic. “But I don’t have a mic…” shhh, that doesn’t matter, enunciate.

The larger the audience, the bigger the impact, and the more likely things will be resolved peacefully.

3. Always Have A Speech Ready

The “haters” in your life that may doubt how good and humble a person you are, so it’s best to remind them through an all-encompassing speech.

Shade required, or else what was even the point? Best to sneak it in during a toast, an apology, or if no one’s paying attention to you just change the subject completely and redirect the energy towards you.

4. Showing Up Places You’re Not Invited To Is Like Totally Ok

Fashionably late is classic, not showing up at all is dramatic, so can you imagine the excitement of making an uninvited entrance. Exactly.

Note: this would be an excellent time to have that speech ready and prepared.

5. Gyms Are An Illusion

Gyms are just a place to get overpriced juice, gossip while while lying on a yoga ball, and take Boomerangs that make it appear you put in that work.

Thanks to waist trainers and that fit tea Instamodels are selling, the gym is merely a location tag. Use it as an errand stop on the way to lunch, happy hour, etc.

Tip: if someone asks about your routine just stick to the phrase, “Well I like, alternate leg and arm days, but right now I’m just so into yogalates,” then flip your hair. If you don’t have enough hair to flip just pretend, have you learned nothing.

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6. Situational Dressing

Beyond packing pre-coordinated outfits, the situation in “situational dressing” roughly translates to “dress for the mess I am to create while considering all the elements.”

Will there be a dancefloor? Will I want to take my shoes off? Will I have to confront this bitch that I heard secondhand from a third party she was talking about my friend?

If all these things are possibilities for the evening, you may want to avoid an outfit that is prone to freeing the nipple and pair it with earrings that are easy to slip off.

7. Always Have Something To Drink Handy.

How else are you supposed to “sip tea”?

Beverages are perfect for avoiding questions, topics, and creating an overall shady sense of vagueness about your character. To be used in moments to emphasize points that were made, or points that we’re not even made at all.

Make the sip long for extra suspense and mess. Note: doesn’t have to actually be “tea” you sip on, any liquid that is safe for human consumption will do.

8. Fake It Till You Make It

It’s all about perception. There’s nothing more ego boosting and humbling in the same moment as seeing someone on TV wearing the same pair of 50% off H&M earrings as you.

You gotta stay ready, I’m talking outfit, hair, make-up all on point even if it’s just for a brisk walk to your local coffee shop. If you really wanna level up, “hire” your BFF to do your make-up and film it for your IG story, they get a MUA promo and you get to look important enough to even have a MUA.

Could also be applied to stylists and personal trainers (but what’s the point because see #5).

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