Have you ever noticed all the dick emojis hang to the left?
While spending far too long mulling over the relative merits of using the corn emoji versus the hot dog emoji to symbolize a penis, my editor Molly Mulshine made an astute observation.
All of the dick emojis hang to the left.
Not some of them. But all of them.
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Now if this revelation seems confusing to you — what does she mean by hang to the left? — don’t worry, you’re not alone. My boyfriend was also confused when I tried to explain this concept to him last night.
So here we go: Imagine that the following dick emojis are your actual dick attached to your actual body as seen from the vantage point of you either sitting down on the couch with a computer on your lap or holding your cell phone in front of your face while trying not to walk into anybody on the street.
The end of the dick emoji closest to where your own actual crotchal area is would therefore represent the base of your dick.
If however, you insist on seeing these emojis as the kind of dicks that can only be seen when a guy stands up and takes a picture of his junk in the mirror, then I guess you could say they all hang to the right.
But that takes a whole lot of imaginative effort, which is why I think my explanation that they all hang left is superior. Also some of the emojis — like the champagne bottle and the corn —literally only make sense if you see them as hanging to the left. You’ll see what I mean.
Either way, what is clear is that all the dick emojis do in fact hang in the same direction.
Eggplant emojis hang to the left
Hot dog emojis hang to the left
Champagne bottle emojis
Drumstick emojis hang to the left
Pineapple emojis hang to the left
Yam emojis hang to the left
and banana emojis hang to the left too
But there is one notable exception.
Do you wanna know which vaguely dick-shaped emoji doesn’t hang to the left?
The baby bottle emoji.
It hangs to the right.
Because if there’s one emoji you shouldn’t use to represent your genitalia, it’s a baby bottle.
Subtle message, Bitmoji designers.
But we hear you loud and clear.