6 Reasons Why The Champagne Emoji Is The New Eggplant Emoji
Poor eggplant emoji. All it wanted was to be a round, purple vegetable, and it ended up being the token D-shaped fruit used for naughty texting, D pics, and as the emoji of choice for bae’s contact info.
But there’s actually another d-shaped food item that works way better for dirty messaging, and it’s the champagne emoji. Mic pointed this little emoji hack out to us, and we couldn’t agree with them more.
Thanks for the memories eggplant, but there’s a new wannabe peen in town. Here’s why we’ll now be having online dirty talk via champagne.
1. It’s Way Classier
Sorry, but eggplants don’t exactly exude sophistication. Sure, you can have a “healthy” dinner at Mediterranean restaurant with baba ghanoush, or you can toss some grilled eggplants into your kale salad, but it’s still not synonymous with class like champagne is.
For some reason, even though you can buy a $6 bottle of Andre or Cooks, champagne is still regarded as a “classy” beverage, much like wine hasn’t lost its high-class image despite the existence of Franzia.
I mean, why would you joke about sticking a $4 eggplant in your V when you could pop a magnum bottle of Dom P? (Don’t actually stick champs inside any body cavities though, it could create a vacuum effect and get stuck.) (No, like really.)
2. It’s Kind of Like Sending Nudes to Jay Gatsby
Sorry, but unless you’re a blonde Victoria’s Secret model that eats two croutons a day (but only if they’re gluten free), you prob aren’t ever going to text Leo.
But, if you start pretending that your boyfriend’s D is the champagne emoji, you can maybe pretend? IDK, kind of a long shot, but a little role-play never hurt nobody.
3. Eggplants Don’t Actually Come
If you’ve never actually cooked with an eggplant before, I’ll let you in on a little secret: they don’t produce any type of liquid excrement.
Champagne bottles on the other hand pop the F off. Think about what guys like the Slut Whisperer do every weekend, which is giving champagne showers to girls at the club all over their faces and/or boobs. That’s kind of like exactly what your boyfriend wants to do with his come!
Unless the dude you’re texting doesn’t come, champagne bottle is the way to go when describing his junk and what’s going to come out of it when you’re done with him.
4. It’s Kind of Safer But Also Not
An eggplant emoji may look innocent on your tiny iPhone screen. But in reality, eggplants are fat AF. You do not want that shiz in your V. You probably don’t want a champagne bottle in your V either, considering that it’s made of glass… but, at least the neck of a bottle is much more manageable size wise than a big, fat eggplant.
5. You Can Distinguish Between Ds
Maybe it’s not that the eggplant emoji is dead, but now you can use two different emojis when describing your two f-buddies! Maybe Darren, with his fat purple-y peen, can be the eggplant whereas Thomas, with his long and lean weiner, can be the champagne! Finally, your friends will be able to keep track of all the men in your life, thank the lord for technology.
6. It’ll Be Way More Useful In Your Recent Emojis
When you used the eggplant emoji, you used it for one thing: to symbolize a D. But the champagne emoji can be used as a D and as a way to show the group chat you plan to do it big tonight at the club. With weiners and alcohol, you really can’t go wrong.