Sex Tips by Cat Marnell

Well, to start, try having sex behind a dumpster like a meatpacking district prostitute at least once in your life. Did 9 1/2 Weeks teach you nothing?! PUBLIC SEX IS HOT.

Netflix 9 1/2 weeks, fool. And Eyes Wide Shut. Fidelio, bitches!

WHEN IN DOUBT, SMELL LIKE A TEENAGER… While I quite frankly can’t speak for the lesbians, I do know that men dislike perfume more than you think. It gives them headaches because they are boring hetero cowards, and also they don’t like the way it tastes on our necks—and you always want to be slurped on in the neck area, non? Or maybe that’s just me. Vampire steez! Nothing is hotter. Anyway, the best way for this to happen is to use high school–y drugstore shampoo: Finesse or Herbal Essences. This will remind dudes of the girls they jerked off to when they were teenagers. Everybody wins! And by “wins,” I mean “loses.” No, I don’t know what I mean.

…A NUBILE, TAN TEENAGER. Here’s a fact: smell of sunscreen makes most men want to f***. So wear drugstore sunscreen—old – fashioned banana boat or whatever—wherever you want to be…huffed. I mean, I would huff nubile tan teenagers if I could! Who wouldn’t? I’d snort them like a line!

DEEP-THROATING ISN’T EVERYTHING…But truly, blow jobs are. I don’t think I’ve ever had intercourse without genitals in my mouth first, ever, in my entire life, and the truth is, I am into it; I enjoy the whole shebang. It’s what makes men feel like men, you know? And you have to really relish being a woman. You have to be! Read the Warhol diaries: Jerry Hall gave Mick Jagger a blow job every day for years before he left the house so he wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. And I respect that! I truly do.

Men are annoyed and freaked out by the weird toys and gadgets that you think are going to make things so fun and erotic; don’t bother; they are too dumb. (The men.)

…Yeah, even vibrators get in the way, though I like using them during sex. They keep buzzing when you lose them in the bed, or they get in the way somehow of how he wants to feel, or—oh god, don’t even get me started on the trojan vibrating ring. Literally I traumatized my friend Mint for like three weeks. and we didn’t even use the condom with it!

In-shower sex is a yes! And drink and do poppers while in the shower. Seriously, this is just a fun tip, not even a sex tip. If you don’t know what poppers are, no ,they are not just for gay men and anal; they are a legal high that will make you giggle, and they are awesome.

Poppers are a great way to have fun. Just to reiterate I buy them for $10 a bottle at a dvd store on 14th street. You huff them, not unlike how I dream of huffing nubile, tan teenagers.

Anything can be lube. ‘Nuff said.

You and your female friend will never find a third for your threesome, and it is better that way. Oh word, girl, the guy you want me to meet big dick? And he’s your trainer? No. And this better way. Because otherwise you’ll both like and that’s weird.

Exception to this rule: the third party is rich and will put you and your female friend up in wildly trendy boutique hotels and fly you to phuket or wherever. Palm springs.

Or at the very least, Art Basel in friggin’ Miami, you know? No, now I’m just getting imaginative. I have never even had a threesome. It has always sounded like a horrible thing to mix in with all my drug problems. I mean, not only emotionally/psychologi-cally, but…if you’re a pillhead, you don’t have the best motor skills. I’d probably fall off a bed with two people gyrating and boning on it with me.

And finally, if you’re crazy like i am—legit crazy— make it work for you sexually. Because it isn’t helping anywhere else in your life. but in bed—oh, you can be memorable, my fellow loons. And that’s a fantastic thing, because men are way crazier sexually than we are and don’t want to admit it. trust.

Oh, and… fur coats over lacy leotards? Smoke a cig out his window dressed just in this and he’ll die, babe. It’s a classic bohemian bad girl tableau. Very Bukowski muse for him, and very Edie for you, no? Mutually arousing!

XO CAT

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