Muscle Milk’s Not Just For Meathead Bros Anymore

Whenever I think of Muscle Milk, I think of one of the first viral YouTube videos I can remember: My New Haircut.

First uploaded in 2007, My New Haircut showed a Long Island meathead hanging out at the gym, the bar, and his mom’s house.

When I was in college, everyone quoted My New Haircut incessantly:

“Not now chief, I’m in the fuckin’ zone.”

“Jagerbombs? I fuckin’ shower in that shit.”

“Muscle Milk! HGH! Protein! Powerbars!”

In fact, my male acquaintances would scream “MUSCLE MILK!!!!” in each other’s faces so often while we pregamed, that the brand name was forever imprinted on my memory as something exclusively for meatheads and bros. Oh, and smelly, beer-soaked Rutgers basements.

Fast forward to 2016, a much chiller era in my life when I’m trying to “get into exercise” without losing all my free time and going broke in the process. I’ve traded my going-out tops for spandex workout tanks, and the grotesque basements of my college years have been replaced by the more polished but also more cramped basement workout studios of the Lower East Side.

It sounds nice but let me tell you, the time commitment and price of being in shape are enough to make me miss my more ratchet post-freshman-15 years.

From the workout clothes to the increased laundry bills to the post-workout protein smoothies, which somehow are impossible to find for under $8 in New York City, the cost alone is enough to make you give up and long for the days when free keg beer flowed and everyone turned a blind eye to matters of health.

Last week, though, I was alerted to the fact that Muscle Milk has undergone a total makeover. If you’re into healthy eating like I am, chances are you’ve been skipping out on Muscle Milk because of its reputation as a bro-ey, bulk-building supplement. I’d always associated Muscle Milk with overly ripped body builders, plus I assumed it contained dairy — something I stay away from — because of the name.

But guess what? Muscle Milk not only comes in dairy-free, gluten-free, organic varieties now, and also versions that are low in calories. The brand just added a slew of products in late April and early May that cater to the health-conscious among us who might have steered away from Muscle Milk products before. Not only are the new offerings organic, but some even include fancy ingredients like sunflower oil, which is good for your heart and contains skin-friendly antioxidants like vitamin E.

They also have a new “cafe latte” version that’s under 130 calories, has only six grams of carbs, packs in 20 grams of protein, and has as much caffeine as a cup of coffee. So you’re effectively killing two birds — iced coffee and protein shake — with one stone for about $5 or less or $6.99 for a four-pack.

For me, this is a godsend because I hate spending money but love eating healthy. It’s good to know I can just dip into the bodega and grab a $5 post-workout shake instead of having to drop $8 to $10 at health-oriented places like Juice Press when I don’t have time to mix up a smoothie at home.

Plus, the Muscle Milk label totally makes me nostalgic for basement frat parties… and I have to admit that’s not such a bad thing.

Gimme More Health

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