High Heels Are Having the Worst Week Ever
Sorry Kylie, Tyga, Katy, Selena, Orlando, and everybody else out there who thinks that they’re having the worst week ever, because you’re not.
High heels are.
Allow us to break it down for you into three sole-crushing events.
Event #1: The Random Canadian Waitress Who Could
It all started when this random Canadian waitress posted a picture of her co-worker’s bloody feet on Facebook last week.
Both Canadian waitresses work at a “premium casual dining” chain where the “female staff wear heels unless medically restricted.”
While we’re not sure whether her friend lost a toe nail first and then started bleeding, or started bleeding from an injury she got at work after which she lost her toe nail, the only thing that matters is her manager gave her shit for changing into flats.
He also told her that the next time she showed up, the high heels would need to stay on her feet for the duration of her shift.
The Internet was outraged and all around the world, high heels began to quake next to the boots you haven’t worn since winter.
Their week was already off to a horrible start.
Event #2: Cannes
Then, Cannes started and it was as if the Shoe Gods had sent a message from the super luxe factory LA store called Heaven, where every shoe gets to spend their days chilling in an air-conditioned room while people stop and point out how beautiful they are.
Everything was going to be all right.
Only it wasn’t.
First, Susan Sarandan turned up wearing flats on the red carpet.
With beads of sweat running down their spine, high heels took a deep breath and tried not to panic, telling themselves, “This is just a minor setback and nobody really cares about Susan Sarandon anymore, right? Right? Right?!”
Then Kirsten Stewart, sworn enemy to high heels everywhere, showed up and turned the minor setback into a full out situation by talking shit about heels while she had the audacity to be wearing a pair on her feet.
“Things have to change immediately,” the traitor told Variety. “It has become really obvious that if [a man and I] were walking the red carpet together and someone stopped me and said, ‘Excuse me, young lady, you’re not wearing heels. You cannot come in.’
She was later pictured walking around sans her high heels and opted to wear a pair of checkered creepers for the opening hight dinner.
And then to top it all off, the next day Julia Roberts decided she’d rather walk the red carpet barefoot than wear her high heels any longer.
And damn did she look happy doing it.
High heels agreed that it was time to prepare for the worst, which tragically for them, came a lot sooner than expected.
Event #3: Meghan fucking Trainor
Last night Meghan Trainor performed her new single “Me Too” on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon wearing a pair of silver glittery high heels that made her look the disco diva she probably dreamed of being in middle school.
Of course it was only a matter of time before she fell.
And of course she wasn’t going to be able to catch herself before the floor did.
High heels could already see the headlines: “Evil High Heels Cause Meghan Trainor To Fall On Her Bass.”
This was the last thing they needed after the week they’d had.
Wasn’t it enough that A-listers were publicly disrespecting them in a foreign country, must they also be blamed for a one-hit wonder’s lack of coordination and balance too?
So you see, whatever’s happened to you this week, high heels have had it worse.
If you have a moment later, go into your closet and tell your high heels how beautiful they are and how you don’t think they’re evil monsters, okay?
Even high heels have souls.