A Guide To Stalking Your Ex On Venmo

Its become way easier to investigate your ex’s life post-you with all the different types of social media we have at our finger tips. However, your average dude is slowly catching on and might not be as likely to post pictures of him and his new boo gazing out into the sunset before the six-month mark.

So what do you do when you’re pretty sure your ex has a new flame but Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and Twitter are failing you?

Venmo is the answer. No one has a private Venmo unless they’re paying for some weird ass shit, so this is your chance to have a little look at what he’s doing and with whom.

Here are some guidelines to stop you from driving yourself crazy if you see aubergine emojis floating about on his page.

1. Spot the Phonies 

Sadly, we are in a day and age where everyone believes they are a comedian. Sarcasm does not suit everyone. You will most likely scroll across those basic bitches who find it funny to describe their transaction to him as “sweet love making” or “sex services”. Realistically… if she did sleep with him she’s not going to be paying for it nor advertising her sex life on the internet. No matter how basic she is. So don’t fret.

2. The Most Boring Charges Are the Most Importnat 

If he’s being serious and factual about his payments to a girl you might have to start cross referencing her. Things such as “toilet paper” and “drinks” are never a good sign… because unless he goes to her place just to take a dump then he’s probably sleeping with her, and often enough for her to cutely toss him $5 for necessities at the bodega.

Check her Venmo. Maybe she lives with some of his friends and therefore it could be totally innocent *deep breath*. If not, it might be time to find a fuck buddy for yourself.

3. Recognize Late Night Activities

UGH. If he is paying her for drinks or dinner or vice versa, it could very possibly mean date night. But, before jumping to this conclusion, she could very well be a one night stand he had to get over you! Let’s be honest, you are far too cla$$y to order a Long Island Iced Tea. Now is the time to filter through her Instagram and Facebook and see if there is any trace of them hanging out on a regular basis. If there is… condolences.

4. Emojis

This is an even harder area to understand. Describing a transaction with just an emoji is inconsiderate of him, he very well knows that emojis are not clear and will confuse you whilst stalking his Venmo. For example: water splashes could be a total joke or he could be crass enough to reference their sexual intercourse. Or what if a girl send hims a kissing face emoji… How is one supposed to differentiate between a potential new girlfriend and sisterly love!? Impossible.

5. Go Straight To The Source 

Its always a good idea to go on the girl’s page and see what money she has been sending around. This will give you some idea of what she’s about. If she paid your ex for drinks but also paid other guys on the same day you know it won’t be a one on one date. It could have been a group of them go to their local bar or co-workers after hour drinks. Again. double check. You have Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter for a reason.

6. Private

If his Venmo is private, he’s a weirdo. No one under the age of 40 needs to protect their expenses like that. Unless he’s transferring money for weird stuff like weekly bum bleaching then there is no reason to pretend he’s James Bond. If he wants to be all incognito, fine. There’s always creating a fake Bumble profile to see what he’s up to.

Gimme More POP

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