8 Times Someone’s Un-Sexy Tattoo Killed the Mood
News broke last night that Jennifer Lopez is not down with Ben Affleck’s horrendous back tattoo, and it made us wonder: how often does a bad tattoo totally destroy the chances of a perfectly good pork sesh?
An informal poll of our own horny peers shows that rarely happens. If you’re hot or at least hung, most people will still bang you, no matter how bad your tattoo is.
But they’ll also silently judge you and anonymously share the story with a website later on. So without further adieu, here are eight tales of ugly ink that almost resulted in sexual rejection.
Plus, scroll all the way down for a bonus tale from someone with a YOLO tattoo…
“I was hooking up with a Jersey Italian and when I took off his pants he had a MASSIVE purple octopus on his whole thigh. Major turn off. So bad I actually asked — what was the point of you getting this? He explained an octopus is the ultimate fighter and can rip off its own limb and still fight for its life or something. Something really overly profound. I was not moved. It was horrible. At least a foot long. He had a big D, though, so I had to let it go. You gotta pick your battles.
“I stopped texting a guy when I found out he had his last name tattooed down the back of his arm. Anyone whose desire for a tattoo outweighs their creativity that much couldn’t possibly be good in bed or in life.”
“I just ended it with this girl. Totally nice, really smart, great body, but had a green horseshoe downstairs. It was just really out of left field. No tattoos anywhere else. The tattoo itself didn’t bother me… I definitely was able to get over looking at it. What bothered me was the idea of being with a person who thought getting that done was a good idea. It wasn’t a deal breaker or anything, but definitely made me question what was going on upstairs.”
“One of my friends in college hooked up with a football player who had a giant Tasmanian devil on his thigh. He said it was because he was a running back and fast…”
“This guy had his astrology sign on his shoulder, which was Cancer, so it’s a really old fucked up 69 and it made me cringe every time. What straight man puts his astrology sign on his arm? He was also all of the worst things about Cancer — like really whiny and nothing was ever his fault.”
“I hooked up with a girl who had the chemical bond of meth tattooed on her. I mean it didn’t kill the mood per se because we were already hooking up in a deli by Union Square Park.”
“I met a bartender at boozy brunch who I knew was a fuckboy and probably fucked a new chick every day, but I didn’t care because he was so hot. He had full sleeves, so I wasn’t surprised to see more tattoos when he took his shirt off. What I didn’t expect was a tattoo that said ‘lucky you’ right above his crotch area. He claimed he got it when he was drunk, and I still hooked up with him, but it just reminded me of how many girls had been there before and didn’t turn me on at all.”
“I was hooking up with this guy who told me he was 25. He took off his shirt and had a 1995 tattoo, meaning he was 20. I was like, ‘AHH.’ Then I never talked to him again.”
Bonus YOLO Tat Tale:
Jamie Parks is the girl with the YOLO tattoo. She got the reviled acronym permanently etched onto her foot back in the day, before it turned into a Drake song and one of the most loved and hated slang phrases of a generation. Here’s what she has to say about dating with what some might consider to be questionable ink:
“This YOLO tattoo has gotten me laid just as much as it’s gotten me not laid. It either works like a charm or the guys go running for the hills. But to be honest, the guys who don’t think it’s glorious or hilarious are not guys I want to make love to anyway. So it’s perfect. It’s a great way to weed out the uptight losers.”
There you have it.