8 Tips For Slaying Life Like Angelina Jolie’s Divorce Lawyer

Ladies, allow me to introduce you to Laura Wasser, otherwise known as Angelina Jolie’s weirdly chic divorce lawyer, who’s more or less a saint in my book for being the woman to kick Kris Humphries out of the Kardashian klan for life.

As much as I theoretically want to hate her for doing God’s work AND being rich AND beautiful AND totally chill about having two different baby daddies, I can’t because that’s how awesome she is. 

Luckily, after reading about her all morning, I think I’ve figured out 8 of her secrets on how to live your best life. As much as I’m tempted to keep them to myself so I can get a head start on world domination, I woke up on the generous side of the bed this morning.    

Thank me later when you’re famous — I take Paypal, American Express, cold hard cash and designer dresses.

1. Don’t get married

Laura Wasser got married once, didn’t like it, got divorced, and hasn’t even come close to saying “I do” since. Instead, she’s content to go through life slowly collecting baby daddies.

2. Make a lot of famous friends

Laura Wasser has represented absolutely every famous person you care about who’s ever gotten a divorce.

She’s repped Britney, Khloe Kardasian, Kim Kardashian, Jessica Simpson, Ashlee Simpson, Christina Aguilera, Mariah Carey, and the list goes on and on and on.

3. Don’t try and be anybody’s life coach… or therapist

In an interview, Laura was asked whether she also gives emotional support to her clients and she replied, “Not really. I tell them that a) your therapist costs less than I do, and b) what do I know? I’ve got two kids with two different dads, I’m not the person to give you relationship advice.”

Sticking your nose in other people’s business never works out well for anyone.

4. Set yourself up with a job to make the most money

Before Laura got divorced, she worked as a disability rights lawyer, but then she split up with her husband and realized she needed to make a living so she became a divorce lawyer.

Take note, ladies.

Love may be dead, but if it’ll make you rich, who cares?

5. Just say no to your own reality show

Laura has allegedly been offered her own reality show before but turned it down because duh, nobody takes you seriously after you allow yourself to be tainted with the stigma of reality TV.

Unless nobody took you seriously before you were on reality TV in which case having your show is literally your only option.

6. Do write a book though

Books are classy.

7. Look hot at all times

Do a Google image search for Laura Wasser right now and you’ll find that there are absolutely zero bad pictures of her.

Her hair always looks shiny and neat, her makeup is always tastefully natural-looking, and she exclusively wears dresses that make her look she’s more woman than you’ll ever be in your lifetime.

It’s almost infuriating.

8. Choose a profession based on your initials

Laura Wasser’s middle name is Allison, which means her initials spell out L-A-W.

Clearly, it was meant to be.

If like me, your initials don’t spell out any profession, sorry, you’re probably doomed to a lifetime of struggle and everybody not knowing your name.

Damn you, Laura Wasser.

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