8 Christmas Songs Nobody Asked For
While nothing gets you in the yule tide mood quite like a playlist of Christmas classics, nothing makes you want to rip off your jingle bells and pledge allegiance to Satan quite like a painfully bad Christmas song.
While not all of these eight Christmas songs are as bad as all that, they’re all songs we certainly didn’t ask for and could have gone a lifetime without hearing.
Merry Christmas, bitches.
1. “Santa Baby” by Taylor Swift
“Santa Baby” is arguably one of the most genius Christmas songs of all time.
Whoever first thought up the idea of pumping a wholesome Christmas song full of sexuality and turning Santa into a sugar daddy is my personal hero.
And that’s exactly what’s missing from T Swift’s version.
It’s bland, it’s sexless and it’s annoying as all hell.
There’s a reason why Taylor doesn’t plug her Christmas album every year.
2. “All I Want for Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber
Leave it to Bieber to ruin what might just be the most classic Christmas song of the modern era.
Listening to it just feels wrong, although hats off to whoever directed the video for largely avoiding what would have been a very illegal flirtation at the time between Mariah and baby Justin, who was only 17 at the time.
3. Crabs for Christmas
If you didn’t grow up in Baltimore, you’ve probably never heard this song, but since 2001, this song has been ruining my life whenever I go home for the holidays.
All you need to know is that it’s a novelty Christmas song about the stereotypical side of Baltimore you won’t find on an episode of “The Wire” and that local radio stations play it a disproportionately high amount of times.
There’s exaggerated accents, a singsong chorus that haunts you in your dreams, and the fact that no matter where you are, as soon as your parents hear it, they’ll start singing along while you slowly die of embarrassment.
4. “Spin Me a Christmas” by Aqua
This is a special Christmas song with some of simultaneously the most honest and the most WTF lyircs I’ve ever heard in a Christmas song.
Here’s an example of a WTF lyric:
“Look out for red white Santa on your soda machine / if not for Coca-Cola he would still be green / to make it special, special for you”
The green thing is an actual urban legend about Santa but still. WTF.
And here’s an example of an honest lyric: “This is the season where that Wham! song / damages your head”
Swirl it all together and it makes for a Christmas classic that even the most ironic of us will dream of forgetting.
5. “It’s Cold Outside” Lady Gaga ft. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Never forget that the weirdest moment of Lady Gaga’s career wasn’t showing up to the VMAs in an egg or wearing a meat dress in public, but coming out with a holiday special with The Muppets.
How Joseph Gordon-Levitt got invited to the party is a mystery for the ages, but the majesty of their absolutely zero chemistry duet of the classic Christmas song about how to effectively pressure a girl into sex will live on forever in Youtube videos.
6. “I Think You Might Like It” by John Travolta and Olivia Newton John
If Danny and Sandy from “Grease” grew up, stopped having sex and decided to put out an album of Christmas songs, this is what it would look like.
If you needed an excuse not to marry your high school sweetheart, this is it.
7. “The Christmas Song” by David Hasselhoff
Watching this infomercial of a music video, it’s hard to remember that once upon a time, David Hasselhoff was a sex symbol.
Whoever told him that releasing a Christmas album would be a good idea deserves to be fired.
8. “Drummer Boy” by Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes
While I absolutely love to hear celebrities sing nonsense syllables like “pa rum pa pum pum,” nothing can quite capture the joy that kicks in 52 seconds into the track when you realize Justin isn’t just going to sing “pa rum pa pum pum,” he’s going to start rapping “pa rum pa pum pum.”
And then he’s going to rap about charity.
“It’s crazy how some people say they, say they don’t care / when there’s people on the street with no food, it’s not fair / it’s about time for you to act merrily / it’s about time for you to give to charity.”
They don’t make songs like this anymore, man.
There are many more Christmas songs that could have made this list, but my ears have started bleeding so if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in the other room reassessing my life choices.