6 Christmas Gifts for Scaring Your Dad’s New Girlfriend Away
Let’s be honest, we all want to see our divorced parents happy and turning a new leaf. But we also remember that time Daddy told us he would never settle down with a Meredith Blake from Parent Trap. But unfortunately, he did.
Christmas is normally a time for bringing people together, but it’s also the perfect season for driving your last favorite family members away forever. So here are a few suggestions on how to show your Meredith that you don’t want her sticking around for the next year’s shindig.
1. A Strategically Planned Solo Trip
Nothing says cya never like a wellness retreat for one, especially if you book it over an important date like… your dad’s birthday? Their anniversary? Christmas itself?! It really depends how hostile you want to be. If it’s prepaid she can’t really say no. Never mind the fact it only has a two-star rating.
2. Something Age-Based
Hopefully your beloved dad hasn’t been cliche enough to date someone half his age. But if he has, there are a few things you can get her to remind him just how young she is (cradle robber). Concert tickets to Justin Bieber or Taylor Swift, a box of Franzia, Kylie Lip Kit Christmas edition. If she’s really on the young side, Neutrogena Rapid Clear will help those young adult spots clear up in no time.
3. A New Boyfriend
Nothing says fuck off like this man-shaped pillow. You can find your dad’s newest squeeze a cheap replacement. It has a shoulder to cry on, a squishy belly just like your dad’s dadbod and most importantly (in her eyes), no children attached to it. She would be silly not to make full use of this Spandex partner in crime.
4. Trash, Trash, Trash
From my experience dads hate nothing more than trashy TV. E!, Bravo, and MTV literally made my dad buy sound-proof earmuffs because he hated the sound of reality rambling. So get dad’s new GF in on the fun! Amazon has a whole list of reality box sets for you, anything from The Kardashians to The Simple Life and you won’t be seeing her on your sofa for much longer.
5. A Nasty Necklace
Chances are dad’s new gal isn’t the worldliest person alive. So if you get her a charming French nameplate necklace with the word “Salope,” she’ll think it’s the shit! We’d never normally advocate salope-shaming, but if you’re confident she’s too lazy to ask Siri what it means, this is just too fun to pass up.
6. Fad for the Pad
For the stereotypical 30-something woman who needs a gust of change in her life. Feng Shui is all about change… and dads hate change. Any type of home decor fad, not just Feng Shui, will you have your dad FREAKING OUT. If he is anything like Mr. Big he is probably still trying to adjust to the sight of her pink toothbrush. Get her a copy of Marie Kondo’s “Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and she’ll be turning the house upside down in no time. To top it off, why not buy her an ottoman so she can start rearranging then and there?
7. A Pet
Although this might seem a little over the top, there are lots of couples who consider getting an animal to test the waters before baby talk. You don’t have to get her a greyhound but something that needs attention and all of her time would be perf. Hopefully this will plant a seed in your dad’s mind that she might want children and he’ll head for the hills.