What to Tell a Dude Who’s Threatened by Your Vibrator
Since I was 18 I have been obsessed with vibrators and sex toys.
But unlike most people, I never incorporate them in my sex life. I prefer to keep my sex life and my masturbation completely isolated from one another because my masturbation can be therapeutic and that alone time doesn’t even have a sexual effect most of the time.
I remember a few years ago I was seeing this guy, lets call him Carl. Carl was disappointing. He could only go once and he could barely keep an erection. I guess those pills he popped killed his libido. His stroke was terrible. He would only have sex in missionary position and he had shotty nerves so he would climb on top of me and shake like a Chihuahua until he was done… less than a minute later.
So one day, after he was done flopping on top of me like the little mermaid when Ursula took her legs away on land, I pulled out my Hitachi wand and placed my leg up on his sleeping body to use him as a pillow to avoid a charlie horse.
Once I powered on the vibrator (the Cadillac of vibrators — definitely an investment) he shot out of his sleep and turned the light on. He looked at me and asked if I was serious. I didn’t understand what the problem was so of course I was honest.
I had always been vocal with him about not being satisfied but he was unmotivated to make any changes as his pride and ego were constantly in the way of my goal to push him to be the best he could be. There was nothing I could do to further soften the blow. Extreme measures had to be taken.
He asked me if I had any other toys, that’s when I opened my second drawer and showed him my vaginal arsenal for the pussy apocalypse. My wands, my rabbits, my bullets, my suction cup dildo, the lubes, the clamps, the harness (I’m not even a lesbian I’m just a compulsive shopper) etc. Over $500 worth of Adam and Eve purchases. He was furious. He unplugged it and demanded that I throw it and all of my other toys away as an added stroke to his child-like ego.
Now, I don’t believe I have ever looked at someone so perplexingly as I looked at that man that night. You want me to get rid of my happy place? To do what? Stay loyal and true to your half stroking, heavy breathing, one position, non-stamina having ass? Fo’ life? Bruh! I can and will NOT!
He called it my “Hoe Drawer,” and said, “Good girls are satisfied with one dick, why do you need all those toys? You have me.”
He internalized my need to self satisfy. He thought it was as a means to pleasure myself where he lacked. What he didn’t get: my orgasm isn’t centered around his presence. So I felt compelled to explain and emphasize that to him.
He said that the only way he would be okay with me even owning vibrators is if he was able to watch me masturbate or if I used them during sex but none of the toys are allowed to be “in” me. He was only okay with the idea of me self pleasing if it was mutually gratifying for the both of us. As though our sex life was “mutually gratifying for both of us” *side eye*.
I had to gather him together really quickly and explain to him that women’s bodies are not solely for your own amusement.
I know a lot of women who have gotten rid of toys because of men and women who won’t buy toys or hide their existing toys so as not to bruise the ego of their men. But, I would NEVER get rid of a toy to satisfy an ego regardless of how good or bad the sex in the relationship is. Never would I suppress my sexuality to appease the small mind of a basic, selfish, misogynistic, egotistical man. You either take me with all of my perversions or leave me where I lay.
Men have always been selfish regarding the enjoyment of sex. From sex being solely for the purpose of breeding to sex being solely for the enjoyment of your husband to sex being solely for the enjoyment of the man you’re doing it with and some men still struggle with caring about the mutuality of orgasms because theirs is a guarantee. How fair is that?
My masturbation isn’t your own personal peep show, I do not orgasm independently for your individual enjoyment. And no, you do not reserve the right to dictate when your girlfriend has toys, whether you are a sufficient lover or not. A woman showing you or telling you that she owns toys is not an invitation for you to ram giant rubber penises into her birthing hole like hay into the bed of a pick up truck (unless she wants you too that’s different LOL).
I personally believe that until a woman is able to achieve that euphoria without the presence of a man, it is a man who controls her ecstasy and she will always seek men in attempts to obtain that feeling. And I don’t want to be stuck in that position.
There is nothing wrong with a little something extra if its needed. For some women, the use of toys or the lack of experience with orgasms is embarrassing. I fear that if a woman expresses the idea of toys and her interest in them to the man in her life and experiences backlash or judgement while she is at her most vulnerable she may give up on the idea of the orgasm all together in a compromise to save the relationship.
We aren’t allowed to enjoy our “alone time” because the sexualizing of women erases those boundaries. We have to hide the things that please us in an effort to avoid the awkwardness of having to explain to your mate that he or she isn’t always welcome to our “alone time”. For some women, masturbation isn’t a group activity or something we want to share with our partner. The additional person in the room can serve as more of a distraction than a connection. However some women will agree to it for the sake of wanting you to be okay or comfortable with the idea of her seeking sexual pleasure outside of you.
Some women DO enjoy having masturbation be a couple’s activity to spice it up in the bedroom. You just have to have these conversations with your mate to determine comfort and reinforce those boundaries. However, taking it upon yourself and imposing on your woman while she masturbates is like her imposing on guys’ night out with your college buddies you never get to see anymore. Leave us alone.
A vibrator is not a replacement for penis permanently. Some women don’t even enjoy the penetration of a sex toy and focus primarily on the clitoral stimulation portion as the clitoral orgasm is one of the most intense forms of orgasm. It is just a means to control your pleasure, release those endorphins and experience euphoria independently taking control of what is enjoyable for you. The one time many women get to NOT fake it. Whether it be vaginally penetrating toys, clitoral stimulation or g-spot stimulation she seeks. Some (most but I’m trying not to be bias LOL) men cannot provide or do it all. And there are too many women suffering and not having orgasms who are afraid to tell men they want better sex and there are men shaming these women for thinking outside of the box and pursuing orgasms in non-traditional ways.
“My ex never complained” — we don’t care.
“I thought I was enough” — this isn’t about you.
“I’m not comfortable with other penises being inside of you” — I never asked you to be.
“What if I had a fake vagina” — I’d throw you a parade.
“How is this not cheating?” — because I cant argue with this vibrator.
“I don’t ever want to see the toys and I don’t want you using them when I’m around” — Here you go, making this about you again.
Never get rid of your toys for a man. Never settle or feel ashamed of the way you seek your orgasm, especially since his is guaranteed.
If he is not comfortable with your toys then he is ego over logic and do you really need that ignorance in your life anyway? LOL. Stop catering your satisfaction to the comfortability of others and start thinking in a means that creates that comfortability within yourself. Take control of what makes YOU happy and what you need in order to gain the most out of your sexuality and explore your body so that you can access that knowledge of self with or without him.
Free yourself. Take control of your orgasm whether it be your hand or a stimulator. Someone told me they use a pillow, some women use the shower head, some women use fruits and vegetable. Either way, get out there and have an orgasm!
