Tasha Reign’s Guide to Dating a Porn Star
Tasha Reign is a porn star — a sex worker who wears that title proudly. In her weekly column, she’s here to educate Galore readers on the topics that most people are too shy to broach. This week: how to date an adult film actress.
As of late, I have been having a more challenging time dating civilian, a.k.a. non-adult-industry, men. I really have.
In the last few months, I have been seeing some guy that hates what I do — even though I met him at a literal sex party. He doesn’t approve of my profession and makes ignorant comments I try to ignore.
I have met a guy who completely ghosted me, and I have come to the conclusion it’s because I didn’t bang him.
Bumble had me seeing a hot young college graduate who “just didn’t want a relationship,” which translates into, “You are not the person I want a relationship with.”
What about the NHL player that wanted a free subscription to my website and paid a grand to fly me to New York, which by the way I never did and just kept the ticket? The list goes on.
My girlfriend asked me the other night why I keep dating conservative, controlling assholes, and I said that those are the ones that are attracted to me. So I need a dating break, a cleanse if you will. All my girlfriends agree and are helping me spend time I would usually dedicate to boy drama on them instead.
One major thing that really bothers me about dating, though, is the repetitive questions from family, friends, strangers, and fans: “Isn’t difficult to date?” It spells out, “I know you make a great salary, look like you are having fun, and men want you… but, no one really wants you for the person you are, just the sexual object you play in movies.”
You may be thinking I am over-analyzing the little digs I get weekly about this topic, but in all fairness it’s a conversation I tend to avoid because it leads to my older sister saying something like, “I’m just afraid men like you for the wrong reasons.” Then in turn I get defensive and insecure because as you know, the child who is told she is stupid over and over again begins to believe it.
That’s why I am putting my foot down now to end this supposed “struggle” and help facilitate a discussion about why you CAN date a sex worker and still see them as a person. Humans have a tendency to see people as either intellectual or sexual beings and those traits are mutually exclusive. Guess what? They’re not. And what you usually can’t stand in a person is something you dislike in yourself.
So to skip the awkward, early-relationship weirdness, I put together a list of musts for anyone who wants to date an adult film actress. It may not be easy but here are some things you need to know before we get together 🙂
Shame is just another word for projecting your own insecurities onto someone else. You must not shame your significant other because of the work she has done, will do, or is doing. If you’re not comfortable with the fact she uses her body for work, then you have no business dating her. I understand how challenging it is, I have been in a relationship with a performer and it’s not a walk in the park when they have to go to set. But neither are a million other issues you will work through. The good news is there are plenty of fish in the sea if this a deal breaker for you. It’s a conversation that needs to be had and that experience is different for everyone.
Know that her job is just a job. I clock in and I am excited to perform and to make content I know will make the consumer happy. I often enjoy the experience as well, not in the conventional way one enjoys sex, but in an athletic way. I work with friends, performers who are married, have families, are not interested in me, or potentially not even interested in women. I don’t do a scene and think of the man or women after, and about how I want to date them. Not usually anyway 🙂 The point of this ramble is just that, yes, you need to be an open minded person when it comes to sexuality to date a porn girl, but you also in no way need to be a swinger, or a sex addict, or so liberal that there are no boundaries. You just need to wrap your head around the particular circumstance and accept it.
Sex can be a sensitive so it does take a special type of person to understand me, which I can appreciate. I don’t know if I say this so it will come true or if it is true, but I think it weeds out people I wouldn’t date if I hadn’t decided to do porn. Its like an eliminator for the Donald Trumps in disguise. Anyone who sees sex workers as less than themselves is NOT someone I would want to end up with anyway.
Brace yourself for all the mean and hurtful things your friends and family will say about your porn star girlfriend. Not letting what other people think rule your life is a battle in and of itself. It reminds me of the scene from every 80’s movie when the cool guy at school makes fun of his friend for liking the weird girl, except that the weird girl is me. It’s important to realize that people are multi-faceted. No one is just one trait and people are not the body that they are born with or the identity society has given them. The labels we slap on people need to be reconsidered in order to allow people to break out of the boxes.
Be proud of her body of work. Not focusing on her job as the center of attention during conversations but not avoiding the topic completely. When I date a guy and all he asks about is my job and experiences about it, I am immediately turned off. When he doesn’t even ask me what I do at all and completely avoids the conversation, I’m suspicious. There has to be a healthy medium and it needs special kid gloves. Ask about her career in the same way you would ask a lawyer about hers.
Do all of the normal stuff you would do with any woman: hiking, eating , movies, going to the book store. That is the way to my heart. I just want for the man I am with to be intimate with me in a way that is not only sexual, but also real and true. I need the type of attention that any woman would want and I want sex to be a factor in the intimacy but not to take up the entire focus. The last guy who took me to coffee and on a hike was a panty-dropper.
Don’t have some heightened ideal of what sex is supposed to look like with her, as if she has to perform when she is the bedroom with you. I can tell when a guy expects me to blow their mind and bust out some strange trick they saw in a movie, like a “pile driver” position (look it up). When it’s obvious that’s going on, then I will be triggered to just lay there. I literally will be the worst lay ever if I get this feeling from someone. Sex in a relationship needs to be real and natural and not contrived and cinematic.
Don’t use her work as an excuse to cheat. This happens a lot. If you want a special arrangement that has to do with you being able to have threesomes or escorts or even an open relationship, that’s up to you and your lady. As for me, I am more lenient when it comes to certain sexual behavior but at the same time I don’t want my work thrown in my face during a fight. I still want to have a monogamous relationship outside of work.
Talk about the future. Sex work does not last forever. You need a plan and if your plan includes having your girlfriend retire that’s totally okay. Often time adult film stars retire because of their significant other, love can overpower a person and make them switch their choices and mindset, but do not force anyone to do anything and pressure them to quit their career without some sort of a benefit for them as well.
Don’t put her into the category of a trollop because you struggle with a Madonna/whore complex yourself. I can’t tell you how many men are like this. Giving your love the same way you would with any woman you have dated and not fearing “catching feelings” because she does porn.
I sincerely believe when I didn’t listen to what everyone else had to say about my dating life, I was much better off. I attracted men that were on my same page and I need to get back into that mentality again. Internalizing other people’s opinions and insecurities is not healthy for anyone. I truly hope that dating in Los Angeles County gets more comfortable and fun for me because at this rate, I’m going to look like the cat lady in the Snapchat filter within five years.
XOXO, Love Tasha