This Embarrassing Story Will Make You Never Want to Social Media Stalk Again
Don’t pretend you’ve never social media stalked.
Whether you’re lurking on a new Tinder match, your actual ex, your new boyfriend’s ex, your ex’s new girlfriend, your friend’s new stepmom’s hot son, or even yourself to see what you look like to any of the above, you’ve definitely spent a little too much time rabidly seeking info about someone on social media.
But some people take their lurking a step further. An acquaintance of mine recently shattered my world with the most embarrassing story of getting caught lurking ever — she made a fake Facebook to friend her boyfriend’s ex, and had a major technical malfunction that probably led the lurkee to realize that she’d been stalking her the whole time.
I just had to share it with the class, so I interviewed her about it. Read on to learn how she got busted, and then give up lurking. For a few days at least.
What are your lurking credentials?
I think I’m on a normal level for stalking. We all do it, some people just won’t admit it. If you log on to a friend’s Facebook to check someone else out, it’s basically the same thing. I just took it to the next level.
Oh, and I hacked my boyfriend’s phone once so I could have GPS on him at all times.
How did you do that?
I set up his Apple iCloud account for him so I knew his password and I just enabled Find My iPhone. So all I had to do was log into Find My iPhone on my phone and it would show me his location.
Did you use these powers for good or evil?
50/50. I caught him lying a lot but it made me insane because I became obsessed.
So you also friended your boyfriend’s ex from a fake Facebook account. Why?
I forget why I originally made [the fake account]. But I friended his ex because I heard she was trash talking me on Facebook and I wanted to check it out. She made her Facebook status “hairy face bitch you’re ugly,” which I found hilarious. She was 30 and I was 22. Real mature for a 30-year-old. She also accused me of being a cokehead. She said, “Stupid chicken wants a booger sugar daddy.” I don’t even like coke! She was just losing her shit, and I wanted to see it for myself.
Wait, do you mean stupid chick?
No, stupid chicken. A chicken is a younger girl, it was in a TLC song or something.
You learn something new every day. Okay, so tell me how you realized you got found out.
So for about the past two months I’ve been uploading photos from Instagram to Facebook and Twitter but they would never load to my Facebook and I’d be like, what the hell? This is so annoying. So today I said to myself, “I can get to the bottom of this.” I went to the section where you link your account. And then it hit me for some fucked up reason because the universe hates me, all of my photos have been going to my fake Facebook account.
That’s what I get for making a fake Facebook to begin with.
What kind of photos from your Instagram were going up on this fake Facebook?
Pictures of myself with my family, then one with my boyfriend — her ex — and me.
What was your name on the fake Facebook?
I wasn’t even creative enough to change my first name — it was my real name with a fake last name.
Do you think she ever figured out it was you?
I like panicked. I didn’t even look at the pictures or at her profile, I just deactivated the account as soon as I saw what I’d done.
What was the default pic?
A picture of a girl who was hotter than me with big boobs obviously.
Did you ever actually learn anything from lurking her page?
She was one of those people that shared way too much information on Facebook she would write about fights that she and my boyfriend had when they were dating — the stuff that makes you cringe when you scroll through people’s Facebook. I guess I learned quickly that I didn’t need to check it ever because her life was pretty boring after she stopped dating him.
Do you remember any examples?
She said something like “making dinner with [boyfriend’s] family! Maybe someday my family.” And I don’t know, it’s not that bad actually, but I guess as his current girlfriend, it made me cringe. I really used it just to see her old status updates originally. And then I went on every six months to see if she got fat. That’s the honest truth. I don’t know why I cared that she got fat, but I did.
I’ve also devoted pretty sizable chunks of my life to “researching” the exes of guys I’m dating on social media. Why do you think we do this?
We want to make sure we’re better. And it’s stupid. Because my boyfriend used to say when I’d freak out, “If I wanted to be with her, I’d be with her, it’s as simple as that.” He dumped her, but I guess if it was the other way around, that can really drive you nuts.
What made you stop lurking on her?
I just don’t care anymore. It was years ago and her life sucks.
So you’re more secure in your relationship now?
Definitely. That’s a better reason.
