Riverdale Report Card: “Primary Colors”

Hey guys, I’m Harry. I’m a content creator in Brooklyn but I wish I was living in the fictional town of Riverdale as Archie’s secret boyfriend.

I have a lot of thoughts about the show, so I thought I’d share them with you here. Think of me as your Riverdale professor, only I’ll be grading the show, not you. Your only homework is to tune in each week!

In this week’s episode, “Primary Colors”, Riverdale continues its return to epic-teen-tv-show status, throwing us quite a few curve balls. As the Lodge family continues to attempt total Riverdale domination, everyone else is beginning to attempt total Lodge recall. Andy Cohen makes an appearance that’s even weirder than Julia Garner’s was in the last episode. Plus, Cheryl gets sent to the nut house! So much for good lesbian representation!

Hookups – A

Choni went from 0 to 60 in 3.5 – too bad they can’t just shut up and drive away from everyone’s opinions! Toni, who Cheryl now calls “TT”, joins the Riverdale Vixens after wowing everyone with a Tinashe-esque number while Cheryl looks on, smiling with her huge wax candy lips. I guess you have a better shot at making the team when you’re secretly diddling the team captain! At an exclusive Vixen sleepover where the girls brush each others hair as if they’re in a Dua Lipa music video, Cheryl snuggles close to Toni to tell her that she wishes it could’ve just been them having a sleepover. Ms. Blossom interrupts this passionate confession (remotely, this time) by pushing nana down the stairs and causing a huge ruckus. Cheryl seriously needs to book a room for her and Toni at the Four Seasons or something. Do they even HAVE a Four Seasons in Riverdale?


Drama – A

Down with the Lodges! That seems to be on everyone’s mind, especially by the end of the episode when Veronica gets #exposed by Ethel and Josie during a weird feminist sing-a-long. Archie is actually the only one who’s still being brainwashed by Hiram and Hermione, though it’s hard to tell how loyal he really is. Half of me thinks he’s just digging himself deep enough in order to sabotage everything, which would be hot.

Chic is such a little nut! Betty isn’t going to take it anymore, though. She sneaks into Chic’s room in the middle of the night with a Zippo lighter and brushes it against his face to wake him up. Once he’s startled awake, Betty says a threatening monologue about how she’s much darker than him. And she’s not afraid to prove it.

Tender Moments – A

Alice Cooper admits to having unsafe sex with FP Jones to Betty, who is rightfully kind of petrified/curious. Betty asks what we’d all been wondering since earlier when Betty figured out Chick wasn’t related to her (via Blossom blood): if FP could be Chick’s father. Even though she denies that, I still kind of believe it. What other man in Riverdale could be Chic’s father if not FP? Did Mrs. Cooper ever get with Mr. Andrews? Imagine that: every teen in Riverdale, secretly kind of related by the Blossoms and the Coopers AND the Andrews’. Veronica would feel soooo left out.

Fashion – A+

This episode has some really cute fashion moments to pull from. Let’s start with Toni’s pom pom shoes:

She’s barely made the team and she’s already showing all the other girls up with some pom pom shoes?! Slay, dancing queen!

Next, let’s talk about Betty’s dominatrix black bob wig from St. Marks. Chic, meddler that he is, found it amongst Betty’s things and brings it to Mrs. Cooper who literally holds it up like evidence in a court of law. Brutal, Bets!

We mustn’t forget about Cheryl’s mental hospital pig tails! I’m guessing the warden or whatever put her hair up like a child in order to make her feel like a child? Or maybe I’m just reading too much into her solitary confinement hairstyle. Either way, she looks youthful (and crazy) AF:


Catfights – B

Que Ethel with a milkshake! Veronica getting a Pop’s milkshake poured on her is 100% more deserved than Blair getting yogurt poured on her in Gossip Girl. Like, who didn’t enjoy prim little Veronica getting accosted with Pepto-Bismol? I didn’t even know Ethel had it in her! Of course, Ethel’s beef with Veronica is so old and so beside the point that I had to be like, Wait why is Ethel mad at Veronica? Oh yea, because Veronica’s dad fucked over Ethel’s dad or something. Right? 

The cherry on top of the Veronica takedown was Josie, getting V’s secrets and then helping Ethel make a Cruel Intentions-y flyer with all of the secrets scribbled around a picture of Veronica with devil horns:

And you know they had to do this during Veronica’s little suffrage soiree that Kevin just happened to be filming. Is Ethel the next Selma Blair in training?!

Learning Lessons – A

Cheryl’s finally caught on to her mom and uncle’s plan to kill off all remaining Blossoms except for themselves. She even watches Uncle Claudius poor her ancient nana a cup of “special” tea, fright flickering in her teary eyes. Her attempts to stay safe fail when Ms. Blossom drives her to the looney bin. Poor Cheryl, stay strong, darling! I’m sure Toni will bust you out in no time! No, not like that!

We’re also made aware of that fact that Hermione Lodge is essentially a Real Housewife of Riverdale when Andy Cohen literally materializes in the Lodge’s living room. Or Andy Cohen just thought Hermione Lodge was Eva Longoria and wanted to pay her a visit.

Food – D

Juggy goes on a hunger strike in order to protest the tear down of Southside High and then breaks it to eat burgers. I really relate to that, Jug. Sometimes I’ll go on hunger strike to protest my debit card’s low balance, only to succumb to a burger that I can’t afford. So I get it. I really do.

Veronica somehow gets a pass from her slave doll, Archie, to kiss randos at her kissing booth that doubles as a bake sale. Just kidding, she gives the cupcakes away with a kiss in order to make all the horny guys at Riverdale High vote for her. Solid plan, sugar.

Music – F

There are a handful of notable music moments in this episode, even though they’re mostly jarring. We’ll start with the goodies, or er, goodie: Falling Short by LÅPSLEY plays while Choni is getting ready to seal it with a kiss. They never get the chance, but the time they spend whispering in the dark to each other gives us enough time to fall in love with this steamy song that I will definitely be adding to my Whisper Anthems playlist. Next, we have the DJ Olfo gem that sounds like it would be better suited for a wet t-shirt contest during spring break at the Coco Bongo club. Instead, we see Toni dancing for her life and her position on the Riverdale Vixens. Lastly, there’s the imaginative and cute-if-this-were-kindergarten suffragette anthem sung by Josie and Veronica called, “Sufferin’ Till Suffrage”. We didn’t see ex-Mayor McCoy during this episode because she was most likely too busy penning this little ditty for her Pussycat daughter.

Gimme More POP

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