Riverdale Report Card: “The Hills Have Eyes”

Hey guys, I’m Harry. I’m a content creator in Brooklyn but I wish I was living in the fictional town of Riverdale as Archie’s secret boyfriend.

I have a lot of thoughts about the show, so I thought I’d share them with you here. Think of me as your Riverdale professor, only I’ll be grading the show, not you. Your only homework is to tune in each week!

In this week’s episode, “The Hills Have Eyes,” Archie chops wood, Bughead and Varchie take turns listening to each other have sex through walls of timber, and Cheryl comes out as a deviant lesbian over a milkshake at Pop’s. Remember how distraught I was before the show went on hiatus? How I was so concerned there wasn’t enough drama and the focus was on the adults? Well, thank GOD, because this episode is full of juicy bits. Even though these bits have seemingly nothing to do with the earlier episodes from this season, I’m not complaining! Also, Jennifer Garner makes a really odd cameo.

Join The Riverdale Report for exclusive convos and content.

Hookups: A+++

Boy, did that hiatus make everyone horny! For some reason, Archie, Veronica, Betty, and Jughead all go up to the Lodge’s, uhhh, lodge for the weekend. Of course, alcohol flows and the beds rattle.

In a weird breaking of the fourth wall, both couples refer to themselves as their fanfic names (Varchie and Bughead, respectively) while drinking margaritas in the hot tub. Veronica’s tequila buzz totally gets the best of her and she suggests that she share a kiss with Jughead. You know, to even the playing field since Betty and Archie’s kiss from last year has resurfaced thanks to Cheryl (bless her). Jughead immediately agrees and Archie and Betty sit tight while Vughead (Juggy said it, I didn’t!) share a totally unnecessary but, like, kinda sexy smooch.

Betty then puts on her faithful St. Marks dominatrix wig and punishes Jughead for being such a dumb-dumb. Looks like good girls go to Heaven and bad girls go to the Lodge Lodge (Veronica said it, I didn’t!)

Drama: C

Those who weren’t fortunate enough to be invited to the Lodge’s summer home (that looks like the set of Twilight/50 Shades/Twin Peaks) stayed in Riverdale and rotted! Poor Kevin, having to deal with Josie-the-puppet and his dad and the mayor and Moose and Midge!

Though Josie and Kevin are supposedly key characters, their plot lines are consistently tiresome and have nothing to do with anything important. Anyway, Josie runs her fake mouth and ends up making a huge mess of her mom’s affair with Detective Keller. I’m yawning, are you?

Tender Moments: A

AHHHHH Cheryl’s a lesbian! Okay, sorry, I’m just very excited about this totally random development. And we don’t know if she’s a lesbian per se, but she does tearfully confess to being in love with her middle school friend Heather. They used to canoodle during their weekly slumber parties until Ms. Blossom ruined everything, calling Cheryl “deviant.” Shut up, mom! We were only in the same bed because we were, ummm…cold!  She tells this to Toni, who started following her around while Jughead was away. The fan pages have already given the couple a name: Choni. I was kind of leaning towards “Cheroni” or “Teryl,” but Choni is cute, too.

Fashion: A

As annoying as she is, Veronica owns the episodes best fashion moments. First, she wows in a Kris Jenner looking pool get-up: a sleek black one piece swimsuit with a flowing black and white robe over it. She really did look like a gorgeous bodega cookie. You know, the huge ones that have enough black and white frosting on them to set your diet back 5 days?

The next morning, she watches Archie chop wood in a classy deep turquoise pajama set. Ok V! We see you scrolling Kim K’s Insta for inspo!

Runner up fashion moment goes to Toni, who looks like a sexy Neopet trainer (is that a thing?) with her ever growing purple hair. It really does get bigger and better with each episode.

Catfights: B

The tête-à-tête between Cheryl and her mom is surprisingly harsh. Actually, I guess it’s not that surprising, considering it’s Cheryl and her mom. Cheryl makes a snide but totally called for remark about how Ms. Blossom is stupid for pining over Hal Cooper, so Ms. Blossom fires back by calling Cheryl a (brace yourselves) “jealous, spite-filled, emotional anorexic.” That was way harsh, Penelope! I’m not sure if this remark is planting a seed for the show to depict an eating disorder or if Ms. Blossom was just being a huge bitch.

Another super betchy moment is when Varchie and Bughead have a spat moments before some white boy burglars break into the Lodge Lodge (it’s so fun to say, try it). Veronica calls Betty out for using role-play to get off in a super slut-shamey diss. Ok, V, chill! Nobody’s calling you out for being vanilla AF while you could easily be having hot Peter Pan/Wendy role-play sessions with Archie!

Anyway, the not-very-scary robbers hold all four lovebirds at axe-point. And then one of them garbs Veronica’s locket and calls her a “rich bitch” before running out.  Serves her right for flirting with Cassidy at the country store while purchasing a candle for no reason!

Learning Lessons: D+

I’m just going to use this category to talk about the very strange placement of Love, Simon in this episode. Love, Simon is that new gay movie coming out. It really should be called The Perks of Being a Gay Wallflower, if we’re being honest. You’ve seen the trailer, right? The one in which the hot-and-definitely-not-actually-gay guy tries to tell the leaf blowing lawn gardener that he likes his boots? Tell me you don’t get Gay Wallflower vibes from that.

As I was saying, this movie is apparently also showing in Riverdale in another odd breaking of the fourth wall. Like, we literally see a snippet of Jennifer Garner as the mom to the gay guy in this movie and then Cheryl reflects on the movie when Toni calls her out for crying during it. I’m surprised Cheryl didn’t flash a Moviepass card on the way into the theatre.

Food: A

Let’s talk about the elephant in the hot tub: Veronica’s very literal margaritas! Like, they’re actually lime green. Not to be nit-picky, but I haven’t seen a margarita look like that since I frequented the Wisconsin Dells waterparks as a kid. And the umbrellas?! Does the CW know that millennials are too busy buying avocado toast to afford housing let alone decorative umbrellas?! In Veronica’s defense though, I would love to try one. This show really drives me to drink.

Music: F

No notable music in this episode, so I’m changing this category to…

Gay Representation: B-

Usually, I’d give gay representation on Riverdale a big ol’ F, but this episode deserves a B-.

Until now, all the gayness we’ve gotten is from Kevin Keller, who has secret trysts with Moose, a budget Darren Criss. Dreamy! NOT! Though I’m sure Kevin eating a burger alone is super relatable to the gays (I’ve been there! Many a time!), the promise of a full on queer relationship between Cheryl and Toni is so sweet. Even though it does feel forced and rushed, I think they have plenty of room to explore Choni and the uncertainty of a relationship between two girls still discovering their sexuality. Who knows, maybe we’ll get a spin-off movie out of this; a gay love story between Cheryl and Toni called “Red is the Rarest Blossom.”

Lastly, since this episode was basically based on Archie and Betty’s forbidden kiss from yesteryear, there was a lot of discussion about kissing. Particularly, the fact that between Bughead and Varchie, the only two that haven’t locked lips are Archie and Jughead. Naturally, I was waiting for someone to suggest that they should kiss. The hot tub scene came and went, so I knew it wasn’t going to happen there, but then we see Archie and Jughead (Jarchie? Bugarch?) sitting across from each other in the woods, tossing a flask back and forth.

My heart rate sped up. They’re gonna kiss! OMG! This is like Brokeback Mountain but BETTER! You’re forever in our hearts, though, Heath! But alas, they just talk poetically about how close they are as friends. Lame! Maybe in the near future, as it seems this show is really trying to appeal to the (gay) masses.

Gimme More POP

Do You Like?

Some things are only found on Facebook. Don't miss out.