Riverdale Report Card: The Wicked and The Divine
Hey guys, I’m Harry. I’m a content creator in Brooklyn but I wish I was living in the fictional town of Riverdale as Archie’s secret boyfriend.
I have a lot of thoughts about the show, so I thought I’d share them with you here. Think of me as your Riverdale professor, only I’ll be grading the show, not you. Your only homework is to tune in each week!
In this week’s episode, “The Wicked and The Divine,” Veronica renounces satan, Hermione wears some cool pants, and Jughead fights for his life! Cheryl isn’t seen or mentioned, so I scrolled Instagram the whole time. Just kidding.
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Hookups: A
Betty and Jughead (or Bughead, as the fandom likes to call them) are, like, maybe back together? Sorta?
After getting terminated from the school newspaper by their scary ass principal, Betty and Juggy sit in an abandoned classroom and talk about what (or who) they’ve done since being together. Betty comes so close to telling him that she’s a cam girl but doesn’t. Jug admits that Toni gave him a… tattoo. I was seriously ready for him to say that she gave him a handy but then I remembered that this is The CW, not Vh1.
By the end of the episode, Betty’s in Jug’s lap looking like a friggin cupcake:
Seems like Jughead’s taking advantage of his trailer before he gets evicted! Oh, also, Betty almost spills her cam girl tea again, but doesn’t. Better tell him soon, Bets, or you’ll get stress wrinkles.
Oh, and also, can we talk about how Chic is sleeping his way to the top (of the snack stand)?! I wonder what he had to do with the twinky concessions boy in order to get hired…
Drama: C+
By now, we know that the Lodges have nothing better to do then poison Riverdale with their drama, but it’s kind of high stakes now, especially with Archie being Hiram’s little bitch, err, intern.
Agent Adams is essentially living in Archie’s soundproof garage (thanks, Mr. Andrews!) and is definitely the most needy FBI agent I’ve ever seen. Archie cannot please this guy, no matter how much info he gives him! He’s probably just lonely.
Anyway, Archie overhears some poutine gossip while plunging a toilet (ew) and reports it to Hiram. This prompts Hiram to have the gossiper killed. I’m not mad about it though, since the guy was a meanie to Pop!
Tender moments: D
Veronica’s confirmation is the whole premise of this episode, which is, ummm, totally stupid. Honestly, I think they just did it so that they could have her and Josie sing Bittersweet Symphony as a duet (LOL). The best part is the priest (who she kept referring to as mon senior? Is that a thing? Am I spelling it right?) asking if she’ll renounce Satan. She looks into the audience, confused, as if she’s really thinking about whether or not she wants to devote her life to good:
And then she spots Archie’s gorgeous face and makes her decision! Yes, yes she will renounce Satan! Amen, sweetie.
Fashion: A
As usual, the moms of Riverdale stay slaying the game! Hermione has Kim Kardashian shaking with her jumpsuits and contour. She literally looks like a Kardashian at Veronica’s de-Satan-ization service:
It looks like Smithers had to do some heavy lifting because how else would that dressing room stage have ended up in the middle of the Lodge’s living room?!
Meanwhile, Mrs. Cooper looks like a 70’s glamour doll! Hal is seriously dumb for leaving her to stay at a “Sharebnb.” Even as she’s cleaning up blood in the last scene, her hair is laid!
Shouts to Dark Betty for making a return and throwing on her St. Marks $10 black bob wig in order to seduce men on the internet. Haven’t we all been there before?
Catfights: F
Like I said, Cheryl wasn’t in this episode and Josie’s a puppet, so there was no fighting in this episode. I was gonna say maybe we could count the Serpents having a tiff in the bar, but nah. They just love to quarrel.
Learning Lessons: C
Jughead is still fighting for his life. Shocking, I know. Someone really needs to throw that kid a bone. I feel like his life is always in pieces while everyone else is out wearing cute sweaters and getting confirmed. We learn more and more about the Serpents every episode, though. Hearing all of their drama just makes me feel worse for Juggy. Imagine having someone like Penny riding your ass all the time, making your own dad hate you. Rude! Juggy does look hot when he’s mad, though:
We also learned that Hiram owns Pop’s diner, which is annoying. Like, doesn’t he already have enough? I guess it’s a good thing though, since I feel like it was about to get shut down. And then where would Betty and Jughead sit and have intense convos that last 73 seconds?!
Food: F
Pop’s caters the Lodge family business poker match with some poutine. Have you ever had poutine? I watched my brother eat some in Canada one time and it looked narsty. Anyway, one of the big shot guys, Papa Poutine, takes one bite and then spits it up! And then he calls the diner a “dive.” I could basically see the tears welling up in Pop’s eyes as this all went down. Poor thing.
Music: A+
Okay but real talk, I have this Veronica/Josie Bittersweet Symphony cover on repeat right now. They use so much autotune that it sounds like T-Pain but it’s fine. I was sitting here watching like, “Damn Veronica, you’ve got some pipes, girl!”
Whoever was DJing Veronica’s reception has exceptional taste. They played Dua Lipa’s new bop, Blow Your Mind (Mwah), and then later, Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes. Both of which are perfect songs to amp yourself up to. Or, I guess, to play at your Satan-Be-Gone after party! Mwah!
