MAYBE EVERYTHING DOESN’T NEED TO BECOME YOUR PROBLEM
Someone’s in a bad mood. Someone sent a weird email. Someone has an opinion. I have recently discovered that none of this necessarily needs to ruin my afternoon.
I recently came across the phrase “observe, don’t absorb,” and I fear it may have solved approximately 30 percent of my problems.
Not the expensive ones. Unfortunately.
But the problems where somebody walks into a room in a bad mood and, within ten minutes, I’m wondering what I did.
Or someone sends an email that feels slightly different than their usual emails and suddenly I’m conducting a forensic investigation into punctuation.
Why did they put a period there?
They usually say “Thanks!”
Today they said “Thanks.”
Interesting.
Let me reread the entire email seven more times until I have successfully created a problem that did not exist fifteen minutes ago.
Apparently, there is another option.
You can notice something without immediately making it yours.
Observe. Don’t absorb.
This feels like information I should have received considerably earlier.
PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE MOODS AROUND YOU
Someone can be quiet.
Someone can have an attitude.
Someone can answer your text with “okay.”
And somehow, against everything your brain may be telling you, it might have absolutely nothing to do with you.
Huge if true.
I think a lot of us become very good at reading rooms. We notice the energy shift. We hear the change in somebody’s voice. We know when something feels slightly off.
But noticing something and being responsible for it are two completely different things.
Sometimes there is something to address.
And sometimes someone is simply having a bad day.
People are allowed to have moods in your vicinity. You don’t have to join them.
CARING IS NOT THE SAME AS CARRYING
This gets harder when you actually love the person.
A friend is going through something. Your partner is stressed. Someone in your family is making a decision you can already see ending badly.
And naturally, you would like to intervene.
You have thoughts.
You have prepared remarks.
There may be a PowerPoint.
But sometimes loving another adult means letting them have an experience you would personally avoid.
You can listen. You can show up. You can say, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
And then—and this is the annoying part—you might have to let them do it anyway.
Their anxiety doesn’t have to become your anxiety.
Their crisis does not automatically require you to open a satellite office.
You can care deeply without carrying everything home with you.
DOES THIS ACTUALLY REQUIRE SOMETHING FROM ME?
This is the question I’m trying to ask more often.
Because I can notice something without needing to react to it.
A weird email.
An awkward interaction.
Someone’s opinion.
Something I saw online.
A person misunderstanding me.
Does this actually require something from me?
Not: Did I notice it?
Not: Did I like it?
Not even: Was it annoying?
Does it require something from me?
If yes, handle it.
If no, maybe we don’t need to turn a strange five-minute interaction into tonight’s dinner conversation, tomorrow morning’s shower thought, and Thursday’s imaginary argument.
Maybe it can just be weird.
AND THEN I REALIZED I DO IT TO MYSELF
Unfortunately, I couldn’t write this entire thing blaming everybody else.
Because sometimes nobody sent the weird email.
Nobody was in a bad mood.
Nobody said anything.
I simply had a thought.
I’m behind.
I should be doing more.
Maybe I’m not good enough at this.
And then, instead of letting the thought pass, I invite it inside, make coffee, and ask if it would like to stay for the weekend.
Maybe observe, don’t absorb applies here too.
Not every thought deserves an investigation.
Not every insecurity is intuition.
Not every uncomfortable feeling is evidence that something is wrong.
And maybe that’s the part I’m actually trying to learn.
I used to think becoming better at adulthood meant becoming better at handling everything. Fixing things. Anticipating things. Making sure everybody around me was okay.
Now I’m wondering if I had it backwards.
Maybe adulthood isn’t learning how to handle everything.
Maybe it’s finally realizing how much of it was never yours to handle.
You can notice the mood without taking it home.
You can love someone without living their problem for them.
You can let someone misunderstand you.
You can have a thought without believing it.
You can see something happening and decide:
This one isn’t mine.
And I’m definitely not suggesting I’ve mastered any of this.
Tomorrow somebody will probably send me “K.” and I’ll need 20 minutes.
But maybe after those 20 minutes:
Interesting. Anyway…
