Father John Misty Is Being Weird AF, Selling Crystals Online

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Father John Misty is one of the weirder music personalities alive in the Internet age. His real name is Josh Tillman and you know who he is if you’ve ever gotten into Fleet Foxes, made deodorant out of your sink, or lived in Brooklyn.

Apart from being the reigning fuckboy of gentrified Brooklyn hipsterdom, he’s also been up to some pretty weird shit lately — the receipts of which are all over the Internet.

Basically, masonic cult disguised as hip juice store Moon Juice had a rose quartz crystal stolen from their shop.

Judging by how worked up they got, it’s hard not to think that they’ve trapped a demon soul inside and are harnessing its energy to sell their sugar free gluten free chia pudding cones. In a weird turn of events, Father John Misty sarcastically “claimed responsibility” for the crystal theft and also left them some sweet feedback saying that their smoothies are “inconsistent to say the least but largely impossible to steal so that is an injustice that I must face, and I accept with an open heart knowing that each watery gulp is an invaluable teaching moment.”

There’s been, understandably, a not insignificant outcry regarding the alleged “theft” of the rose Quartz crystal from the Echo Park Moon Juice™, pictured above. I am here to claim responsibility, though I do not condone the rhetoric employed in Moon Juice’s post. To claim that “something has been ‘stolen'” is in tself a tacit endorsement of the capitalist values that blended superfoods and locally sourced produce stands, ironically, in direct opposition to. The universe, however you may define her, brought this crystal into my life at what can only be described as a “pivot moment”. As my (again without trying to be didactic in my terminology) Saturn returned within the last year I found myself unsatisfied with a culture at large that insists on attributing rigid, currency based value to objects (I do not mean in a pejorative sense) that are naturally occurring and can be procured freely at any number of energy-central dispensaries located nearly anywhere within the well-defined boundaries of globalization. While I empathize with your loss I do believe that there is a larger lesson to be gleaned from this experience: namely that material goods, no matter how sacred, WILL come and go from your life. As a practicing Buddhist I can only advise you to try and remember the crystal is only random phenomena, and if it HAPPENS to find its way into my pocket, and that pocket HAPPENS to leave your store, creating some ownership/theft/possession narrative will only cause you more pain – as you will be attempting to find significance where there is none. Also your smoothies are inconsistent to say the least but largely impossible to steal so that is an injustice that I must face, and I accept with an open heart knowing that each watery gulp is an invaluable teaching moment. 🙏🏻 @moonjuiceshop

A photo posted by Father John Misty (@fatherjohnmisty) on

I assumed things would just end there and that the whole incident would become a weird footnote in Internet history but no!

Father John Misty, apparently not one to miss out on an opportunity to capitalize off a bizarre Internet incident, updated his online merch store a few days ago with some questionable additions to his merch line.

Yes, his Life of Pablo knock off “Life of Padre” shirts are weird, but not weirder than the rose quartz earrings that also went up.

In the original Moon Juice Instagram post they urged the return of the crystal because “you do not want the energy of a stolen crystal.” So logically FJM added the rose quartz earrings to his merch store with some interesting product details, namely “you do want the energy of these definitely not-stolen crystals” and “privately sourced by Father John Misty in Los Angeles, each stone is meticulously cut from recently-acquired rose quartz crystals in Josh Tilman’s private collection.”

I know this seems like the part of the story where I tell you it’s over and that Josh Tilman retreated back to his fortress of solitude. But instead, he’s all of a sudden become very active in the Stereogum comment section under an article titled “Black Keys’ Dan Auerbach Sued Over Howlin’ Wolf Documentary.”

*thinking face emoji*

What is he doing in the comment section under this seemingly random article? I. DONT. KNOW. Well I do know but it still doesn’t make any sense, this is what I’ve surmised. He says he’s 1) spent $300 on cocaine 2) looking for his stolen YSL parakeet brooch 3) going to In ’N’ Out. So unclear if this is just a further dig or development in the Moon Juice crystal saga but either way Father John Misty is apparently out for blood.

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