The Best Coachella Drug Combo for Each Zodiac Sign
After months of anticipation, Coachella is finally here. Obviously, we’re excited, and we know you are too. But do you know what can ruin even the best music festival? Taking the wrong drugs.
Have you been there, because we’ve been there.
Although we can’t officially encourage you to use illegal substances, since we’re not your mom, we can give you a little guidance into what cocktail of drugs perfectly matches your true essence, vibe, and aura, judging by the ultimate source of wisdom in the universe: your zodiac sign.
Don’t get it twisted, we’re not saying you should take these or any drugs. This is a mere reference tool for entertainment purposes alone. And whatever you do, don’t mix cocaine and heroin.
Also, if you’re reading this and Coachella isn’t happening, don’t worry. The same rules apply for any music festival. Or just life in general.
Aries
TBH, Aries while you’re usually a very adventurous and impulsive person, you can also be a self-involved diva who’s driven by a need to kill whatever experience you’re having. While that makes you a fun person to be around on the daily, you don’t want to spend your entire weekend falling prey to the idea that you can actually win Coachella.
Do everybody a favor Aries by getting super stoned or downing a Xanax that’ll help you get down with your bad self, slow down, and enjoy the moment before you find yourself stricken with a case of FOMO for an event you actually attended.
Taurus
Mmmmm Taurus child, you’re about to be in your element. When it comes to enjoying the sensual pleasures of life, somebody should hurry up and give you a book deal already, because you are very experienced in indulging yourself.
Honestly, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what drug matches your essence: molly. However, if you’re gonna get down, don’t take any molly if it’s not from a friend with a legit connection.
Also pls drink plenty of water. Don’t be that girl who passes out and has to go to the hospital. You’re better than being a statistic.
Gemini
Geminis have a tendency to get superficial and make snap judgements which can lead to problems further down the road. This is not an aspect of Gemini that makes for a good time at Coachella, unless you’re into feeling like you wasted the $399 you dropped on tix.
There are a lot of sides to a Geimini’s personality, so try to focus on the part of you that loves connecting to whatever people and situations you find yourself immersed in.
In short, coke might be a match for Gemini. Be a social butterfly. Get your Coachella on.
Cancer
Even on a good day a Cancer can be more sensitive than Drake after a night full of liquor and reminiscing, and while a Cancer usually surrounds herself with friends that are pretty good about humoring her, let’s be honest, nobody wants to deal with a sad sack when they’re tripping balls.
Since Capricorns have moods like a seesaw, a short-term drug like Salvia is probably the best match for them. And yes, we know it’s not a real drug so it’s kind of lame, but honestly, so are your crazy mood swings, Capricorn. Instead of setting Capricorn up for failure with a long-term effect drug that can send her into a paranoia trip just as easily as it can be totally chill, maybe Capricorns should just take it 20 minutes by 20 minutes, you feel?
Your friends will thank you, and at the end of the day, so will you. We promise.
Leo
Baby, you’re a firework. Leo girls love new, extraordinary experiences, and detest the dull, drab daily routines they’re sometimes forced to contend with. Basically, Coachella was made for Leo.
Since Leos don’t tend to be overly emotional people, it’s possible for them to bounce back from any minor trauma that befalls them. If we had to pick a drug for Leo, it would have to be LSD. Have an experience, commune with the mother moon spirit, and get ready to see all your friends with dripping rainbow hearts for eyes, Leo.
However remember that coke is a no no for any Leo who doesn’t want to leave Coachella with any regrets. We’ve seen it play out before. Everything will be really fun until Leo ends up getting pissed at her friend for not caring that it’s already an hour past when Jack U’s set is supposed to start and according to Instagram, Skrillex and Diplo’s asses are still drinking backstage with their homies. Before you know it Leo will probably bring up that one time that one time her friend cheated on her boyfriend, or did something equally embarrassing, which will lead to a big ole nasty fight. Leo’s friend will never forgive her, and not even the best concert can make up for the loss of that friendship.
Just don’t go there, okay?
Virgo
Virgos have a tendency to find themselves filled with a lot of nervous, uncontrolled energy. Often times, they even fall into the bad habit of over-analyzing everything around them. Overcomplicating their lives isn’t exactly fun for Virgos, but once they start drowning in negative vibes, it can be hard for them to turn their shit around.
On the one hand, we think valium could help Virgo calm the fuck down and enjoy herself/her surroundings for once. On the other hand, maybe her best match is a tab of LSD.
Who knows, maybe opening herself up to some different energies and outlooks on life is exactly what Virgo needs most right now. Who knows, the $399 she spent on admission may be the best purchase she ever made in her life.
Libra
Dear Libra: you’re a chill-ass bitch who loves excitement, new situations, adventure and unusual experiences. People love Libras, Libras love people, and most importantly, Libras love vibing out to music/feeling like they’re an important patron of the arts.
Coachella can be kind of a shit show, so if you’re gonna do drugs Libra, we recommend spending the entire weekend in a haze of the dankest weed known to (wo)man. Indica, Sativa, edibles, whatever reputable refreshments you can get your hands on.
Please again, don’t take drugs from strangers.
Scorpio
Scorpio’s have a tendency to get too serious about things and try to take control of the situations around them but this is Coachella, baby. If a Scorpio girl want to have fun, they need to relax and let the festival happen to them. Scorpio please know that you won’t get close enough to the stage for every show, nor will you even see every show you want to see, and that’s fine. Drink some tequila, maybe have a sip on some molly juice and don’t be afraid to take a hit or two off the endless supply of joints that Scorpio friends always seem to have stashed in their bras.
Do stay away from shrooms, though. You know how emotional you can get, bb.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius, when given the choice between freedom and anything else, your sign always chooses freedom. Sagittariuses crave adventure, excitement, and all the crazy changes life sends your way. Best of us, no moody cat vibes here, and even if something shitty happens, it’s super whatever. No use crying over spilled milk when there’s a handle of premium tequila waiting around the next corner, right?
Literally, Coachella was made for your sign. Every drug matches a Sagitarus’s spirit. DMT, PCP, shrooms, molly, acid, coke, literally whatever you can think of that sounds like a good time would probably match the Sagittarius vibe.
Capricorn
In everyday life Capricorns tend to be very self-disciplined and responsible, thinking about the all the possible consequences of every action before you make a movie. While that can help a girl get ahead at work/avoid hooking up with as many f*ckboys as many fuckboys as some girls, it’s also a fun sucker.
So in honor of Coachella, just say fuck it. Drink a lot (but responsibly, obviously), and be open to the possibility that your BFFs molly juice and all those bong hits that cutie behind you keeps offering you just might be a perfect match for you.
Even if it’s just for this weekend, get loose with your bad self…just not so loose that you find yourself spiraling down into a wormhole of emotions that you can’t get out of and ultimately decide to never have fun again.
Aquarius
Aquarius girls are like such free spirits. Your sign is independent AF and makes life fun for everybody around because being an Aquarius means never being afraid to try anything.
What people sometimes tend to forget is that just because Aquarius girls are rebellious and impulsive, they’re also inquisitive and observant, constantly questioning societal norms and seeking intellectual stimulation.
This Coachella LSD, shrooms, pot, any literally every psychedelic that you cross paths with might just fit the Aquarius spirit like a glove.
The only thing an Aquarius should avoid is anything that gets her down, which means staying clear of that dumb Cancer bitch who always ends up crying about how no boy will ever love her. In fact, you probably shouldn’t even be friends with her anymore. Make a note to bring that up to everybody at a later date. Sorry, Karen. Maybe you shouldn’t suck so hard.
Pisces
Pisces are such an intuitive souls and if there’s something wrong in the world that affects her, she feels it, and feels it deeply. On the other hand, if the world around you her is kicking ass, she feels like a bo$$.
For the Pisces girls of the world, we feel like downing Tequila-based beverages and staying open to anything else that’s gonna chill you the fuck out/keep you vibing on that Positive Pollyanna realness might be up your alley.
Stay away from LSD tho. Even if the hottest boy in the world offers to let you eat a magic mushroom off his six pack, just say no. The last thing a Pisces needs to do is ingest anything that’ll send her into an existential crisis just because she watched some bro throw up on somebody’s lost flower crown, which reminds her that humanity is slowly destroying life on earth as we know it.
Def get that guy’s number though.
