12 Best Songs To Get Divorced To
Ok so since all you guys are getting married or whatever, it’s only natural that divorce is the new breakup yeah? Before you all get pissy and start complaining about my use of the D word let’s just pause for a second and discuss. Whether you see it now or not, divorces have so much potential to be fabulous. Being divorced is like, the new hot thing. Serious. In honor of this trend, here are my top 15 picks for best songs to get divorced to.
“Loyal” (Remix)- Keyshia Cole, Da Brat, Mila J, K.Michelle, and Lil Mo
I am literally always down for these all-female rebuttals, especially when they’re directed at Chris Brown. This remix just came out earlier this week, and literally makes me want to get married right now just to get a divorce real quick. V down to stack that paper and get my checks. Play this one if you’re dude ain’t loyal and you’re about to take his ass to court.
“Before He Cheats”-Carrie Underwood
Yet another cheating one. I swear these aren’t all about cheating, but I couldn’t not include this song. This is for the angry divorcees out there seeking revenge. If you’re about to serve your husband with some papers but want to make a scene first, then destroy his car. No I’m serious. Don’t just lightly graze it with your key, DESTROY HIS COCHE. But warning, if you carve your name into his leather seats a la Ms. Underwood, he will definitely know it’s you. So maybe leave that one out.
“Too Little Too Late”-Jojo
Raise your hand if you miss JoJo! Alright maybe only a handful of us but whatever, I love the bish. This song is for the married couple that honestly doesn’t know each other that well. These are the people that got married young and a little too fast. Like maybe at the end of their first month anniversary. Blast this one if your ex-husband just likes the chase and forgot to mention that to you BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED.
“Don’t Want You Back”- BackStreet Boys
Ok so maybe this isn’t everyone’s universal divorce song choice but this is MY list so sit down. This one is for the man who accidentally married a compulsive liar. Dude, your ex-wife is being super sketch. She’s not a lawyer, she actually works at the Dunkin down the street. I know because I just bought an egg and cheese croissant from her like five minutes ago. So yeah, serve her some honesty and tell her you don’t want her back.
“F*** You”- Cee Lo Green
This is for the boys who accidentally married a gold digger. I hate to break it to you but your lady checked out as soon as she realized that you couldn’t afford to buy her that yacht. If you was richer she’d still be with ya. But you’re not. So yeah. Divorce.
”So What”- P!nk
This was a personal breakup favorite of mine in the college days. It’s a nice combination of “I f***ing hate your guts motherfucker” and “heeheehee.” This is for the ex-wife who can comfortably balance being playful and malicious. You’re still a rockstar, you’ve got your rock moves, and you literally don’t need that guy. Take a page out of P!nk’s post divorce book and go out there, look hot, and learn to become an acrobat. Help.
”Rolling In The Deep”- Adele
Another personal fave of mine when my ex-boyfriend curb-stomped my heart many moons ago. This is a perfect song for divorces mostly because it’s so goddam emotional. You have to play this one right after the papers are signed and you’re alone in the home you both once shared which now only belongs to you—because you get everything bb. You guys could have had it all. But now YOU just have it all. Sweet.
I had to do it. It’s a divorce playlist must. Play this one when you’re about to spring a separation on your unsuspecting husband. He must not know about you, because you could get another guy in a minute. Oh wait, he’s here. TO THE LEFT TO THE LEFT, BYE.
“Whatcha Think About That” -Pussycat Dolls feat. Missy Elliott
I wasn’t about to let this list happen without my dolls making an appearance. This is a great divorce song mainly for women who aren’t quite ready to file but are trying to torture their husbands a little bit first. It’s time to put on your skankiest outfit and go out with your girlfriends. And put your phone on silent so you don’t have to hear his calls. Future ex-husbands can be so clingy sometimes.
“Cry Me A River”-Justin Timberlake
Classic. Divorces are full of tears and raw emotion. And songs about tears and emotion as well. As soon as your ex starts tearing up be sure to blast this one in their face. Trust me, it will definitely add to the scene and produce more tears on their end and more smirks on yours. You would join them in this crying sesh but you’re too busy compiling a list of all of the items that will belong to you once this divorce is over with. Your ex can just cry for the both of you, I guess.
“Bills, Bills, Bills”- Destiny’s Child
This is literally if you’re married to the brokest guy on the block. Your husband couldn’t afford a wedding ring for you, so he went to McDonald’s and asked for a french fry that he could tie around your finger. Divorce this man immediately, but please have a heart and don’t try to get all his money this time because he only has like three dollars in his bank account
Uh, same. Why did you marry this guy again?
Rula Al-Nasrawi is a Columbia Graduate whose writing has appeared in Vice, The Atlantic, and other online publications. Her first language is valley girl. Californian bred, NYC residing. @RulaOfTheWorld