Tasha Reign’s Guide to Being a Dating App Predator
Tasha Reign is a porn star — a sex worker who wears that title proudly. In her weekly column, she’s here to educate Galore readers on the topics that most people are too shy to broach. This week: the wonder and mystery of the dating app.
Let me tell you, I have an affinity for dating apps: downloading them, using them, deleting them, scapegoating them, then downloading them again.
Over the last 6 months I have been single in every way, keeping a consistent “pair and a spare.” I have two key ingredients in my search for the perfect dating app: never being bored, and never being emotionally available.
I use candid photos and my real name while I hunt like a predator for my unassuming prey, and I prefer young, hot studs. To be more specific: five years young and well hung.
Here are some pros and cons of my top apps, so when you go through your quarter-life crisis, you can follow in my footsteps.
By the way, I want my Galore readers to know that I LOVE love. I believe you can find your soulmate or one of your soulmates anywhere, including a dating app, and you should.
Hinge
I really like Hinge for a number of reasons, first of all, the people you’re connected with are people in your social circle. They may know a friend of a friend of a friend, attended the same high school as you, or even were in your friend group. I like that — it ensures some commonality and familiarity, which I’m enthusiastic about when it comes to the hunt for a significant other.
Plus, their last name is right there so you can Google the shit out of that person, which for most people I know is fun and exciting. You cannot zoom in on their photos, which is a bummer. Oh, and you don’t really reach outside your comfort zone. But ultimately, Hinge is the app I’m most attracted to.
Bumble
My “hive” is buzzing, lol. This app is also the shiz. It’s easy to use, and the woman has to initiate the conversation and in turn gets to choose who she actually wants to talk too. It’s a very forward-thinking app and the men on there are extremely attractive. I’m not positive why, but they’re hotter than they are on the other apps.
The downside is it’s a lot of work, the whole taking charge thing, so I slack in my hive and need to get more on top of this one. I love the marketing and packaging of the program, the photos are sexy, and the moment you match with another Bumbler is super cute because a little animation with bees pops up on your screen with a buzz.
Tinder
Fuck you. Am I right? Tinder was like the straight people’s Grindr. It’s ambiguously evil and just a little too appealing. Like a strange love/life video game that you slowly become addicted to, can’t live without and just have a complex relationship with — it’s just like “The Sims,” that’s it! Anyway, ultimately we go on Tinder for an ego boost, we want to know if other people swipe right, and we want recognition that our photos are hot and that we’re still in the game.
Sure, people can meet on Tinder, but it’s more of the exception to the rule. On the positive side, I personally have used Tinder for random hookups in cities I’m unfamiliar with. I once met a hottie in Mykonos, Greece, who took me for a fly boarding session then gave me the D twice. Epic. Tinder is great for a bang session and it is the OG of dating apps. [Editor’s note: I met my boyfriend on Tinder, don’t give up hope!]
Match
Oh God, here we go again. Yes, I paid match.com money to find me a man. I went on a total of two dates, and I was disappointed with my results. You get out what you put in, I didn’t put in a lot. When you give someone money, no matter how nominal the fee, you expect them to do the manual labor. But with Match, you have to spend hours filling out your profile — something I loathe, and also something I didn’t do properly. Therefore, my matches were random and just something about the site felt desperate. It might be the way it’s set up: too serious and formal. It just needs to be updated into more of a mobile format so millennials won’t feel bad about using it. Match.com has great statistics, so I’m sure it’s effective for many a people. But maybe I’m just not ready for it.
“Millionaire Matchmaker”
Not exactly a dating app, but I’ve always been a huge fan of Patti Stanger. She’s a badass woman who runs “Millionaire Matchmaker,” the dating series on Bravo, as well her own exclusive dating network. I applied and after months of waiting I got an email, phone call, and set up with a nice gentlemen from Europe, and then invited to a mixer — all off camera, as I didn’t really want to do the show portion. Surprisingly enough, I got picked for the private date and ended up seeing the match a total of three interesting times. The thing is, he was ready for marriage, kids, and a family vacation to Bora Bora — exactly what I think I’m looking for. But you can’t force chemistry and in this case I was trying to, so hard, because he was fabulous on paper! You know? I’m sure we’ve all done that a time or two.
Anyway, I recommend applying to this dating agency because Patti is talented and my experience thus far was efficient. The only catch was I couldn’t continue to shoot adult content, which at the time I was on a break from so it worked out.
Raya
This Instagram-based dating app for “creatives” is too cool for school, but still not as cool as they want you to assume. You need a referral to “get in.” The idea is innovative and elitist, but the only thing is that the elite are not actually on Raya. But if you’re on it, it feels like a notch on your dating app belt and a new status acquired because not anyone can just sign up. But status isn’t everything. I say no to this app.
Now despite all this, I still haven’t given up hope on the dating app game. I’m currently swiping in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.️ Wish me luck!
