You Won’t Believe How Gross These Old-School Beauty Treatments Are

After watching Kirsten Dunst’s performance in “Marie Antoinette,” if you’re anything like me, you’re pissed off at the universe for poofing you into the 21st century rather than making you a fabulously outfitted French queen living in the palace of Versailles.

But after doing a bit of research as to what poor Marie might have had to do to keep herself fresh and gorgeous, I’m rethinking this dream.

We all know vintage clothes: chic. Vintage beauty treatments? Maybe not.

Turns out, while the babes of the Medieval ages had outfits to die for, their beauty routines were gross and often deadly.

If you’re looking for ways to make your monthly Brazilian seem a lot more fun, read on for some seriously gross and dated beauty routines.

1. Poop Facials

Back in the day, the beauty ideal was having a pale white face rather than the glowing bronze of today. How did the babes of the Medieval Ages achieve this? Crocodile Dung smeared on the face was supposedly said to lighten skin and freckles, as well as slow aging. Cute.

Source: Style Caster

2. Lard Head

In the 1800s, lard was used to sculpt wigs into ornamental structures (think Marie Antoinette and the ladies of the court.) The lard would attract hungry rats at night, so the women would have to wear special cages to protect hair from nibbles.

Source: Bustle

3. The Urine of the Portuguese

Ancient Romans knew how to prep for date night. They would import the supposedly stronger urine of the (dehydrated?) Portuguese in order to gargle with it to freshen their breath. It was also said to whiten teeth.

Source: Spear Education

4. Ant and Beetle Lipstick

Cleopatra was rumored to make her own lipstick using a combination of crushed ants, beetle blood, and beeswax. Anyone want to make out?

Source: Daily Makeover

5. Wine Mouthwash

After brushing your teeth with a combination of herbs, it was common to rinse your mouth with some red wine. Okay, this one we could probably get behind. Especially if we didn’t have to spit it out.

Source: Medievalists

6. Mouse Skin Eyebrows

Want to get your eyebrows on fleek? If you lived in the Medieval Ages, this would involve shaving your eyebrows and replacing them with a pair of glued on, perfectly shaped mouse skins. Not a typo.

Source : Beauty Blitz

7. Armpit Flowers

People would carry bouquets of flowers to mask the smell of their armpit B.O… Yep.

Source: History Undressed

8. The Tape Worm Diet

Why eat healthy when you could just eat um, a tapeworm? In the 18th and 19th centuries it was quite common to ingest tapeworms instead of going on a diet. Women would take pills containing the larvae and eggs, which would then hatch and grow into worms that could potentially reach 100 feet. They would then ingest all of the nutrients consumed, resulting in drastic weight loss and often death.

Source: Bustle

9. Beef Face

The secret to French girl beauty is finally out. French women would indulge in facials of raw beef and veal to restore a youthful glow.

Source: E Online

10. Lysol Douching

Please, do not try this at home. Lysol Douching was a common practice that was thought to ward off infection and prevent order, but actually just often resulted in death.

Source: Society Pages

Who’s happy to be a millennial now? #Blessed.

Gimme More Beauty

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