Your Horoscope And Spirit Jams For The Week Of August 17

Just when you were finally having fun and getting to fuxt with summer, Venus just had to start rolling through the sky in retrograde. What a bitch.  Get ready for a long, hot week of frustration and over-thinking that’s going to separate the girls among us from the women.  My advice?  If you know you can’t handle the heat, do yourself a favor and stay the f-ck away from the heat.  Even though this week is gonna be trying, there are better times ahead.  Anyway, that’s what spirit jams are for.  Anytime you feel your spirit start to sink, just press play and let your spirit jam give you all the life you need. Ain’t no need to be scared of the big bad planet that called retrograde.  You got this.


Leo

Dear sweet Leo, I know this month has made you feel like the turn up queen, but even though last week you were feeling yourself, unless you turn down for sanity, the only thing you’re gonna be feeling is stressed out. Even though Venus, the planet that runs love and money, is still hanging out hard in your sign, bitch has decided to back her ass up all over the place. That’s right, Venus is getting her retrograde on. Instead of stressing about it, channel your inner birthday strength and use this time to really re-evaluate the choices you’ve been making in your life recently. Figure out what’s really important to you, who’s holding you back and which numbers in your phone would be better off if your finger never found them again. Take this time to indulge in the finer things in life, like double stuffed Oreos and romantic comedies from the 90s.

SPIRIT JAM: “Piece of Me” 

Virgo

Venus may be in retrograde, but with lucky Jupiter in your sign, literally nothing can drag you down this week. Whether you have your eyes on a big promotion at work or that big dick at the corner of the bar, this is the week to go after you want. Don’t let the fact that almost everybody else around you is in crisis hold you back. If you find yourself wanting to take time to figure out what you want, fight that urge. Don’t you know how on point your intuition is right now, girl? Trust yourself and get the f-ck out of your head for the week. Just like you ain’t got no time for f-ck boys, your life ain’t got room for you to be a pussy right now.

SPIRIT JAM: “Ride”

Libra

You’ve been feeling a little off your game all summer, but finally things are starting to turn around for you. Venus may be in retrograde, but that’s finally getting you back in touch with your intuition. In the coming week, you’re probably gonna spend a lot of time thinking about how you’ve been acting and how you want to be acting, and all the introspection is going to do you a world of good. However, just because things are clicking for you, please do your best to remember that the people around you may not be so lucky. Just because you had an epiphany that your best friend’s turned into a total asshole, doesn’t mean this is the time to confront her about it. I know it sucks, but this week is gonna be about keeping the kid gloves on. But that’s okay. You’re on the up and that’s not gonna stop anytime soon, so a little patience isn’t gonna kill you.

SPIRIT JAM: “Confident”

SCORPIO

This week may be a little rough, but take comfort in the fact that your charisma is about to go through the roof. The moon is gonna pass through your sign on Thursday and Friday, so take it easy this week in order to take advantage of your good fortune when it comes. Figure out what you still want to get out of the summer and then reach out to all of your friends who actually like to have fun and make sure to get them on board too. Almost everybody is going to be having a rough time of it this week, so a little weekend distraction is going to be just what the doctor ordered.

SPIRIT JAM: “Pour It Up”

SAGITTARIUS

This is going to be a week of new experiences and life lessons for you, Sagittarius babe. Do yourself a favor and check your resistance at the door. Maybe you’re scared, maybe you’re nervous, or maybe you’re just way too stoned to have left your house, but there’s no use fighting what’s already been set into motion. As much as I hate the saying “leap, and the net will appear” this needs to be your motto this week. By the time Saturday rolls around, get ready to reap the benefits of a week well-spent and plan something special with your besties, your boo, or that boy toy you like to call real late at night when you feelin‘ extra nasty. You earned it, bitch.

SPIRIT JAM: “REALiTi”

CAPRICORN

Okay bitch, it’s half-past time to clean your shit up already. Even though you don’t want to admit it, if you’re being honest, you know you’ve been acting rurl reckless recently. Take Venus being in retrograde as the gift it is and get your life together. Start going to the gym, stop talking to your ex, and just say no to tequila shots after 3AM. Even though you haven’t been making the best decisions for yourself, there’s nothing wrong with your intuition. Get in touch with it and get ready to say hello to the new, improved you.

SPIRIT JAM: “So Fresh So Clean”

AQUARIUS

Aquarius babe, it’s time to stop worrying and just enjoy yourself. Even before Venus started twerking in retrograde, you’ve been all caught up in a tangle of thoughts about your life. But I’m sorry to tell you that you thought was going to be a productive use of your energy, has become a giant waste of your time. Take a break from worrying and just enjoy the rest of what summer has to offer. As Venus moves through your relationship zone, she may edge an old friend or lover back into your life. While you shouldn’t feel pressure to rekindle whatever relationship fizzled out, it’s important to start saying yes to the twists and turns life throws your way. Plus, you never know – time has a way of healing old wounds.

SPIRIT JAM: “Who Do You Love?”

PISCES

Okay, take a deep breath Pisces babe, because this is gonna be a challenging week. Work is going to be stressful, your personal life is going to be stressful, hell, even getting dressed is going to be stressful. Between the perpetual crises of your bestie and a sea of looming professional deadlines, it’s going to seem tempting to take every added misfortune as further proof that the universe is conspiring against you. It’s not. Take heart in the wisdom that this too shall pass and in the meantime, load up on music that makes you feel like a boss and feel free to indulge in all of the vodka your liver can possibly handle. When your friends can’t be trusted to get you through the week, it’s not like a girl doesn’t have her options.

SPIRIT JAM: “Hustlin'”

ARIES

Some girls have all the luck, and this week that girl is you, Aries babe. So you know that ex you have who you’re still low-key in love with? Not the ex who broke your heart by telling you he just wasn’t in the right place for a relationship even though he still had feelings for you, but the ex you parted amicably with because it just wasn’t a good time for you to be dating. Do you remember him/her now? Good because Venus is getting her retrograde on in your zone of true love and romance, so there’s a good chance you may be about to experience a case of the ex. If this happens, follow your heart. All the retrograde in the air is good for your intuition. You’ll know if now’s a good time to rekindle or just keep swimming.

SPIRIT JAM: “Two Weeks”



TAURUS

I’m sorry to say this Taurus, but this week is going to be hell for you. The last thing you want right now is to be hit by a wave of introspection, but you’re only going to make things worse if you insist on being stubborn about it. It’s like what they say to you when you’re putting the tab of acid in your mouth, don’t fight the trip. Whatever comes up, deal with it the best you can. Things will get better after this week, I promise. And in the meantime, there’s always ice cream sundaes with rainbow sprinkles and hot judge on top…and handles of whiskey…and mountains of marijuana.  Whatever gets you through, you feel?

SPIRIT JAM: “The Hills”

GEMINI

Gemini babe, this week is gonna be all about stamina. While there’s gonna be a whole lotta sturm and drang at the start, by the time Saturday rolls around, you’re going to feeling yourself hard. Now I know when you get to stressing sometimes the dollars just have a way of magically disappearing out of your bank account, but now is not the time for impulse shopping. I know you think it makes you feel better, but it really just makes you poorer. August has been a slow month for you financially, and you need to save those dollars for a rainy, drunken day that’s in your future. Instead channel your frustration into something positive and burn off some calories at the gym or in the bedroom. Ain’t nothing like a good orgasm to have a girl feeling like the one again.

SPIRIT JAM: “Stronger”

CANCER

You’ve been twerking rurl hard Cancer babe, and I’m sorry to say this, but it looks like you’re gonna have to keep twerking rurl hard for a while longer. It’s just not your time to shine right now. However, right now, that’s kind of an advantage. While a lot of people around you are going to be feeling the pressure of Venus in retrograde, the struggle has been real for you for a while now.  Schadenfreude is a thing. Accept that while this week isn’t great, you’re doing better than a lot of other people. Let yourself get some pleasure wherever you can, you feel?

SPIRIT JAM: “Twork It Out”

Now that you know your horoscope and spirit jams for the week, all I can say is good day, and good luck.


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