Your Dog Won’t Get You Laid

You see it everyday and everywhere: Guys posing with puppies in their Tinder pics, purposefully walking their dog next to the girls volleyball practice, and making sure to bring up their pooch in any conversation with a member of the opposite sex. We get it, dogs are a man’s best friend, and chicks love them too, but I, for one, am f***ing sick of guys trying to seduce me using their four-legged roommate.


Let me preface this by admitting that I am not really a dog person. I know, I know, you are probably already mentally giving me the stink eye. But, I do not HATE dogs, I can’t deny that they’re adorable. I just don’t, ya know, want one. Specifically, I don’t want one licking my face and/or chewing my favorite pair of Converse.


When I tell some guys this, they are very taken aback. It’s as if all the game they had planned out in their heads is suddenly invalid because their labradoodle is not going to get them in my pants. For a while, I humored boys who had no idea how to respond after discovering I didn’t want them or their puppy to lick me. However, after a while, I started getting frustrated.


Are guys so simple minded that they can’t comprehend that not every single girl goes goo-goo over dogs? Contrary to popular belief, we are not all the same. If you’re a guy and you love your dog, that’s great. But can you please stop using your puppy the way you use your Lamborghini or your black card to attract ladies?


To put it simply: Stop using your bitches to get bitches.

Gimme More Sex + Dating

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