Why Robin Thicke Is the Worst

Dude, if there is one person I cannot stand right now it’s definitely Robin Thicke. That man is literally hell on legs. Just this week, Robin Thicke and his wife Paula Patton announced their separation. But is ANYONE surprised? The guy is a complete jerk off. I mean, can we please just examine the evidence real quick? Here are some reasons why Robin Thicke is a living slice of hell right now.

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HE DRESSES LIKE A MASSIVE TOOL
Um ok. Have any of you guys even seen what Robin Thicke used to look like in the early 2000s? The guy looked like a mixture between a crunchy granola hippie and the next Messiah. In his 2002 video for the song “When I Get You Alone,” he’s literally riding around NYC doing wheelies on his bike. How is this the same person? HOW? Old Robin Thicke is doing bike tricks and new Robin Thicke is walking around looking like an idiot on a sleazy booze cruise. Ok worse, he looks like the DJ of the nightclub ON the sleazy booze cruise. Just in time for his JT knock off album “The Evolution of Robin Thicke” in 2005, he cut off all of his hair and started wearing tooly suits paired with tooly sunglasses. And this one horrific black and white striped suit now insists on making an appearance in both his videos and live music award shows. To the point where people stop me in my own black and white striped pants and say “Ohhhhh. Like Robin Thicke right?” NOPE. Absolutely not. I had my striped pants long before Robin Thicke soiled his with his own filth, leave me alone. Robin Thicke is a mid-life crisis Beetlejuice. I am not. The end.

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HIS LYRICS ARE VOMIT INDUCING
Here are some of Robin Thicke’s brilliant lyrics from one of his newer songs “Give It 2 U” to give you an example of his artistry:

“I got a gift for ya. I got this for ya. A little Thicke for ya. A big kiss for ya. I got a hit for ya. Big dick for ya.”

Ok and then it gets better.

“I got an eye for yah. I got a smile for ya. Let me put it on your face for you.”

So far we’ve found that Robin Thicke seems to live in the delusion that he is well-endowed. These lyrics also make him sound like a molester lurking in the dark. Can someone call the police, there’s a pervert in a disco outfit walking around the football field, and he’s offering underage girls eyes and smiles and unsolicited sex. Ok and “LET ME PUT IT ON YOUR FACE GIRL”? No wonder Paula Patton wants to gut herself, this is so embarrassing. Oh yeah and he’s wearing the Beetlejuice suit again. I’m pissed.

HE’S A FILTHY CHEATER
He cheated on Paula Patton. He cheated on Paula Patton. He cheated on Paula Patton. Need I say more?

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BLURRED GODDAMN LINES
Oh my good god THIS song. I rue the day this song came into existence. “Blurred Lines” has allowed me to completely give up my faith in humanity. Thanks for that ROBIN THICKE.
First of all, if I hear this song one more time I’m going to crucify myself. If this song were a human I would have slaughtered it about 11 months ago and hung its entrails up for everyone to see and be warned. Why do I have to hear Pharrell go “OOOO” every 15 seconds? Why is there a lamb walking around in the music video? Why is Robin Thicke trying to be “the cool dad” by including things like hashtags in his video? I’m not even going into his performance with uncooked turkey butt Miley Cyrus. But seriously, Robin Thicke, enough. Stop calling me a good girl, it’s literally so disturbing. You’re like that creepy relative that isn’t really related to anyone, but shows up at all of the family functions and eats all of the food. Enough. The more I think about it, the more I actually realize that this song IS Robin Thicke. It’s kind of hot. Sort of original. But it’s now overplayed, annoying, and in all realness, beyond dated. Bye for now Robin Thicke, maybe get a mohawk or something because it might time for yet another evolution.

Rula Al-Nasrawi is a Columbia Graduate whose writing has appeared in ViceThe Atlantic, and other online publications. Her first language is valley girl. Californian bred, NYC residing. @RulaOfTheWorld

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