Why I Stopped Having Casual Sex


Okay, before I get too into this, I’ll clarify my personal definition of casual sex as sex that happens spontaneously with someone that I haven’t known for longer than three weeks, or have only hung out with in groups of people. Drunkenly hooking up with a best friend? Unexpected, but not casual. But more on that later…

I never really had much casual sex, but for a brief moment in my life, I was down to f*ck whenever and whomever I deemed hot enough. It was kind of a weird moment in my life– because prior to this period of casual f*cking my sexual experiences had been with one guy, someone I had started dating in high school and then just never stopped (although it stopped eventually, bless). During an “off” time with this particular ex boyfriend, I started sleeping around in a very Peaches Geldoff  “f*ck the pain away” type of way.

Was it gratifying? Sort of. Did it stop me from hurting? Temporarily, yes. But, mostly, it just left me feeling kind of unsatisfied and empty inside. It also lead to me having sex with people who I would normally never even be caught hanging out with. One night, I went home with a dude who I had been conversing with at a friend’s birthday party. We ended up having really bad and disappointing sex (alcohol does nothing for erections, take note men), and in the morning I got the hell out of there before he even woke up.

Afterwards, my friends were all very surprised that I had ended up hooking up with this guy. Little had I know, he was one of those elitist rockist white dudes, who was, low key a misogynist. As a queer woman who is very much a feminist, I was horrified that some how I had not, in the two hours of conversation prior to this sexual encounter, been able to detect any of this. My friends thought it was very amusing nonetheless, and it became a running joke that I had “accidentally hooked up with a misogynist”.

And being a feminist, I am definitely not suggesting that casual sex is some how inherently less gratifying than sex that occurs in the context of a relationship. Or that it shouldn’t be on the table for anyone. I just stopped having it because I realized, for me, the best sex happened with people I knew really well, who I already trusted and who, understood me outside of the bedroom. And, because they knew me outside of a sexual context, the people who I had sex with who weren’t “casual encounters” so to speak, were able to read me better. They understood what I wanted and I felt comfortable enough with them to tell them exactly what I liked.

And you know, I also get to avoid accidentally sleeping with misogynists now.

Gimme More Sex + Dating

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