Where To Have Sex At The Mall
In the past few days, I’ve spent an odd amount of time going through data that shows what people Googled to find our website. My conclusion is that most of you need to dump your boyfriend and stop caring so much what guys think.
My other takeaway is that a ridiculous amount of people want to know where they can have sex in a mall.
I’m unsure if this is all from people who still live with their parents or what, but alas, I’m just trying to give the people what they want.
Here’s where to bone at your local shopping center, ranked from safest to most risky, but don’t blame me if you get arrested for public indecency.
1. The Family Bathroom
Not every mall has one of these, but most do. These are made for parents who need to take their kiddies into the bathroom or whatever, they’re also made for horny tweens who need to bone ASAP. This is probably the safest place to do the dirty at the mall, because you can actually lock the door. We can’t promise it’ll be sanitary or smell nice, but you’re the sicko who wanted to do this, not us.
2. The Dressing Room
The dressing room is another place where someone can’t really barge in and ask you WTF you’re doing unless you’re painfully obvious. The trickier part is getting into the dressing room. Because of this challenge, the shittier the store, the better. A bougie store will have an attendant unlock the door, carry your garments, and routinely check on you. A Wet Seal-type of place will be a free for all. As is the case for most places on this list, this is not ideal during peak mall hours. Try a weeknight or something.
3. The Parking Lot
If you were dating a dude with a car, you probably wouldn’t be reading this. But hey, you never know. Or maybe he can borrow his mom’s car, or you can find an Uber driver who’s a voyeur (JK, don’t do that, they all have cameras). If your boo doesn’t have a car, you could still maybe try getting freaky in the parking lot, but due to cars having headlights, we’d recommend somewhere blocked off. Maybe try the stairwell?
4. The (Empty) Movie Theater
Movie theaters are notorious danger-zones for tweens, so employees always seem to be on patrol for kids that are gossiping too loudly in theaters or Snapchatting obscenely. But, if you roll solo with your boo and head into a loser movie during a non-popular time so that it’s empty, you can maybe get away with it. Just sit down (on some D) and shut up.
5. The Employee Backrooms
The only time it’s ever goals to date someone who works at the mall (or work at the mall yourself) is when you’re trying to bone at the mall, because maybe one of you has access to an employee workroom or whatever. Sure, you may get caught and get fired, and there are def security cameras lurking around. But hey, raging hormones are raging hormones, am I right?