What These 8 Pussycat Dolls Songs Say About You

Wait. Am I the only person on this Earth who is actually a legit fan of the Pussycat Dolls? I am obsessed. They were my desktop background for at least two years, I had at least one listening party a day for years, and I also literally panic-bought a Pussycat Dolls pendant necklace at the Britney Spears “Circus” tour because they were opening. Yeah, I’m kind a fan. So even though the group is broken up indefinitely—so upset— I wanted to pay a little tribute to them. Because I’m sorry but they are one of the best girl bands ever in the history of music. Please don’t even tell me about Danity Kane because those girls make me want to gut myself. What the hell IS a danity kane? What language even is that? So yeah, here is what your favorite Pussycat Doll song—I know you have one—says about you.

1. Don’t Cha? feat Busta Rhymes
You’re a bad girl and you know it. You like to get all dressed up and show all the taken boys what they’re missing out on. You literally ask them if they wish their girlfriend was hot like you. Hello? Kind of rude but whatever. You’re a tease and you are also kind of a home wrecker. Also, why are you talking to people who are taken wtf is wrong with you?

2. Buttons feat Snoop Dogg
If you relate to this song then you have been spending time with someone who is full of horse shit. The guy you’re seeing SAYS he wants to get with you but when it’s time to loosen up the buttons he is nowhere to be found. But you’re confused because you look like Nicole Scherzinger and your buttons are about to burst and you’re begging for someone, anyone, to undress you. It’s a hard life, ladies.

3. When I Grow Up
Ok if this is your song then you might need someone to explain to you that you are in fact, already grown up. You just had your 25th birthday but went around telling everyone that it was your quinciñera. You are delusional. Get up, go to the job that you already have, and stop singing about adulthood like it’s a myth. If this song speaks to you then you are also definitely the kind of girl that dresses up as a slutty cop or slutty doctor for Halloween. Oh yeah and also, be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.

4. On Top of the World
You’ve watched every episode of The City with your girls. You are also a fan of Whitney Port, her deer in the headlights face, and her fashion sense. Aka I definitely hate you already.

5. Whatcha Think About That feat Missy Elliott
Your man is controlling and he like to go out cheats on you. Ew, help. First of all he must be blind because um, look at you. Rawr. But yeah, you’re pissed so you’re about to get all dolled up and go out and shit’s about to hit the fan but it doesn’t matter because you have Missy on your side to tell the jerk that he ain’t gonna get no more pussycat. If your dude ain’t acting right you tell that dude he got to go. NEXT.

6. I Don’t Need A Man
You don’t need a man to make it happen, you get off being free. You don’t need a man to make you feel good, you get off doing your thing. You don’t need a ring around your finger, to make you feel complete. So basically you’re single and you finish yourself off 15 times a day but you know what, you’re an independent lady so GET IT GIRL.

7. BEEP feat will.i.am
If this is you then the guy you’re with only wants your “ha ha-ha ha ha-ha”. Yup, I’m sorry but he’s definitely not interested in getting to know you. He only thinks about the *@#$, he’s always looking at your &#@*!, and frankly you’ve had enough. The guy won’t even listen to what you have to say or look at your face when your talking to him, why are you with him again?

8. Stickwitu
Somehow you have evaded the guy who cheats and the guy who only stares at your rack when you talk to him and you’ve arrived. You’ve found the Jay-Z to your Queen Bey. This is you if you have found someone who truly makes you happy. Nobody’s gonna love you better so you’re sticking with this dude forever. This is also the song for stages 1 & 2 clingers so, yeah.

 Rula Al-Nasrawi is a Columbia Graduate whose writing has appeared in ViceThe Atlantic, and other online publications. Her first language is valley girl. Californian bred, NYC residing. @RulaOfTheWorld

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