What Guys Really Tell Their Bros About You After Sex
Alright ladies, despite your repeated assurances that you’re not talking to your girl friends about our bedroom antics behind our backs – we know that it’s happening, and we know that it’s often in vivid, graphic detail. Admittedly, I’m generalizing, and not all women are guilty of this, but more than once I’ve found myself caught in the middle of a conversation between a group of girls talking at length about their latest sexcapades. Maybe it offers a sense of release & reassurance in a world which still frowns upon open discussion of female sexuality. Or maybe it’s just a passion for gossip. From how many times he made you cum, to the particular aesthetics of his dick, to the exact swirly thing you do with your tongue that gets him off every time – the amount of embarrassing detail some women seem to spill can be both mildly comical & slightly horrifying from a guy’s perspective.
That being said, by college, at some point most girls have probably been privy to the no-holds-barred game of perverted, insulting, sexually-charged banter which most of us dudes consider casual conversation amongst ourselves. Naturally, many also assume we exhibit this same lack of moral discretion when it comes to talking about our personal sex lives with those closest to us. This leaves many women wondering (& maybe worrying); what exactly are we sex-obsessed, dirty-joke telling, perverted-porn watching guys, saying about you to our best bros after getting laid?
The short answer is; usually, very little.
It may sound like a cop-out to avoid the real answer, but it’s true. A sort of unspoken “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy exists between most guys when it comes to discussing specifics of our current sexual conquests. If we’re belligerently gloating about what we’d do during our threesome with Jessica Alba & Mila Kunis, there are no almost bounds to the depravity of the discussion. But, when it comes to specifically talking about the great sex we just had with our current hookup buddy last night, in most cases, we’re only willing to tell about as much as is necessary to let the other guys know that we did in fact get laid, and that it was awesome. The rest of the details are generally kept pretty murky.
So why does this dynamic exist? There are a few fairly universal reasons.
# 1) First and foremost is a matter of respect. Believe it or not, the vast majority of men still maintain some semblance of respect for women – especially the women who we & our friends care about in anyway. If I’m having sex with you, I most likely respect you at least enough to keep your name as far away as possible from that perverted bro-banter I mentioned earlier. And while I am probably telling my friends I got laid, divulging those embarrassing, intimate secrets you entrusted me with, to the group, is flat out crossing the line.
# 2) Second, among any group of guys, especially our closest friends, whether it comes to sports, video games, or shot-gunning cans of Natty-Ice, the competition never ends. Turning everything into a game is the modern way of reasserting our dominance within the group, without actually having to fight each other with spears. If we’re sleeping with a girl, we most likely put in some sort of active, strategic effort to pursue her, court her, & get her in bed; so that is the game. The key difference in this game is, rather than playing against our friends, we’re rooting for them; in this context, if our friends are the home team, the girl and her own friends are the rivals, and sex is the prize we ultimately win. Like any big victory, it’s a source of pride for us. After I put in all of that effort to win you over, I’m obviously not going to want to downplay my accomplishment by talking smack on you to my friends after the fact. As far as my guy friends are concerned, you’re sexier than any girl they’ve ever been with, you gave me the night of my life, & I gave you the best night of yours. I’m also not going to want to share you with any of them, even if just by letting them build some sort of mental picture of what you look like naked. In the end, respect amongst the group is earned just for the fact that I won the game, and had sex at all; like football, most of them are probably much more interested in hearing about the game-winning pass than getting all of the juicy details about the after party in the locker room.
3) Lastly, as I’m sure you’re already well aware, when it comes to talking about emotional, intimate, & embarrassing subjects, most guys are like drunk monkeys trying to put together Ikea furniture. And sex is most definitely a series of intimate, emotional & often embarrassing moments. So I think for many of us, hearing our best bros talk about their bedroom details weirds us out to some degree. All of the above in the context of a situation involving a naked, aroused man who we sometimes share a camping tent with, is way too close to breaching that hetero-masculine barrier we tend to build between ourselves.
So to summarize, in my own experience, it follows a pretty simple formula: the more we’re into a girl, and the more we respect her, the less details we’re going share with our guy friends about what goes on in the bedroom with her.
And for the serial one night standers, don’t worry, even if we don’t like you all that much, we’re still probably not going to say too much anyway. Sure there are exceptions, but unless you squirted like Old Faithful onto the ceiling, have a surprise clit ring, or did something else particularly notable, 99% of post sex conversation between guys is some variation of the following:
“So did you f*** that chick last night?” “Yep *smirk*” “Hell yea man, she’s so hot!”
“So, how’d it go with Ashley?” “Went pretty well *smirk*” followed by a round of “Nicee” & maybe some high fives.
The smirk says it all. Beyond that, mums the word. And even if everything I just said above is bullshit, from a guy’s point of view, if there’s even a .01% chance that we might get laid again, who wants to burn that bridge by talking shit behind your back? Word gets around, even among friends, and it doesn’t take a Casanova to know that’s a fast track to the doghouse.
But that’s just my own experience. Think I’m full of crap? Feel free to share your own take on the subject.