On To The Next Swipe
Written By Evelyn Pelczar
Growing up we learned from Dora to always yell at the top of our lungs, “Swiper no swiping!”, but Tinder taught us that the more swipes you do, the closer you are to finding your hook up in shiny armor. I met one guy off of Tinder who turned out to be a great catch. Successful, young, normal, mutual friends so I knew he was normal, and he lived close to me. #winning We had a fling for a bit filled with partying and well, more partying and all ending back to his apartment. Until that day when you wake up and wonder, where the f*** did they go? The best part after all this though: the months later run in.
I was attending a going away party and who better to see out of the corner of my eye? Him. We lock eyes as I was wearing my blue and black dress, or maybe it was white gold. I can’t remember. Anyway, being the mature adult that I am, I approach him to say hi and his eyes light up. But not in the romantic way. More of a panic look like someone is asking for you to hand over your wallet at gun point. So sweet. After exchanging the hi and how are you bullshit, he frantically turns to his side to grab his girlfriend, hold her hand and introduce us. And stalling to avoid the how do you two know each other question, he walks away like a coward.
Which left me wondering: where the f*** were his manners? I thought I would help him out and offer some proper etiquette advice of how to introduce your former flame to others: “This is my ex co-worker, we worked late nights together for deadlines.” “She’s friends with my grandmother.” “We’re actually second cousins (because you have your cousins and then your first cousins and then your second cousins).” “This is my best friend’s ex-girlfriend.” “We took anatomy together!”
And don’t worry, a kick ass introduction is enough to skip the small talk conversations. Besides, we met on Tinder, I wasn’t trying to wed you, I was just trying to bed you. On to the next swipe.